DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am primarily a classical musician, but I dabble in other styles of music, as well. In my 10 years of playing professionally, I’ve noticed it becoming more common for musicians to bring bottles of water onstage with them during a concert. This is especially true of nonclassical concerts, but I occasionally see it in classical settings, as well.

Whenever I see this, I am reminded of my late former teacher, whom one might have described as old-fashioned, complaining about seeing a jazz concert in which the performers had bottles of water onstage with them. He felt it disrupted the performance.

On the other hand, I have many times felt that as a wind instrumentalist, my performance would benefit from being able to drink water as needed during a concert. Please solve the dilemma, Miss Manners. Which is more important: ambiance, or hydrated performers?

GENTLE READER: Deceptively neutral as your question is, Miss Manners is quite aware that any suggestion on her part that aesthetics are relevant to art would be met with accusations either that she is indifferent to the health of performers or that she is putting visual appearance before musical quality.

It would do her no good to point out that performers, like other mortals, are subject to fads, or that their track record, where medical matters are concerned, is not impressive. Witness the sleeping, not to mention pharmaceutical, habits of some well-known musicians -- or the many opera singers who used to advertise cigarettes.

As the question really is more one of aesthetics than etiquette, Miss Manners leaves it up to the individual performer to determine the appropriate trade-off between actions that make performance easier and those that may put off sensitive audience members.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have reached a stage in life where I know an increasing number of dead people. Or more accurately, a growing number of people I knew when they were alive have died recently.

I know you wear black to a funeral. But I find these days that many bereaved families prefer to hold small, formal, private funerals, followed some time later by a “celebration of life” that is somewhat more festive. I went to one recently at a beach club loved by the deceased. Another coming up is in a backyard with a taco truck.

What to wear? I wore a black dress with a colorful floral print to the beach club event, and my sister -- who wore all black -- scolded me, saying it was “too loud.” Maybe it was, but now I’m confused.

GENTLE READER: Well, it is a confusing event. You are being asked to mourn cheerfully and highly informally.

Indeed, it would be strange to show up behind that taco truck wearing a black hat. (You mean you don’t wear hats to traditional funerals held in houses of worship? Miss Manners does.)

Your costume seems a fitting compromise between mourning and celebrating; the etiquette error here is to critique other people’s choices, correct or otherwise.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With the advent of so many ways to communicate, I am sometimes at a loss to know how to avoid misunderstandings and missed messages attributable to using the wrong medium.

Some of my friends and acquaintances prefer telephones to email, while others prefer text messages. Some prefer landlines to mobile phones, etc., ad infinitum.

Is there a rule, or at least an expectation, that one should reply to a message in the same medium in which it was proffered?

GENTLE READER: It is getting so that one has to keep dossiers on one’s friends: what do they refuse to eat, what forms of address (honorifics, surnames) do they find insulting, and now, what forms of communication do they refuse to use.

So yes, it would help to notice the means in which messages are sent, and to respond in kind. Miss Manners realizes that acceding to that preference deprives the flexible person of choice. But, then, those who will not speak by telephone and those who do not communicate by keyboard are not going to have a future together, anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to bring my girlfriend to a first-time family reunion?

GENTLE READER: Only if you will find it appropriate for every single member of your family to ask her when you are getting married.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am lucky enough to be living in a coastal area with abundant seafood. Mussels are inexpensive and fun to cook with, plus they show up on the menu of several local restaurants.

But how does one eat mussels in the shell -- in, say, a soup or sauce-laden dish -- without making a mess of it?

GENTLE READER: Mussels are considerate little creatures, in that they provide you with a tool with which to enjoy them.

That is, Miss Manners has never seen one actually hand over a seafood fork, which is what you would use to pry them from their shells. But after that, they provide the spoon-shaped shell with which you can properly enjoy the sauce.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My granddaughter invited two cousins and their families to her wedding. Both of their responses were to return the RSVP with the “Regret” portion ticked. There was no other communication such as a note or phone call to explain why they could not attend. My granddaughter is an only child, and these cousins are two of her closest relatives.

Am I correct in assuming that they owed her some reason for not being at her wedding? As recipients of the invitation, should they send a wedding present?

GENTLE READER: No, they do not owe a reason, and they do not owe a present. What they owe, in all decency, is an expression of regret at not being able to attend, along with their good wishes.

But Miss Manners notices that the invitation itself invited that curt response by providing a place to decline with a mere check. Apparently it already expressed regret, which is an odd thing for the host to presuppose.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to announce that today is your birthday, either in person or on social media? I’ve always thought people jubilantly declaring “It’s my birthday!” were just begging for birthday wishes or gifts. It seems tasteless. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That yes, after a certain age -- say, 12 -- one does not enter a room, or the social media equivalent, by announcing one’s own birthday.

If, however, it can be coyly and casually folded into the conversation -- for example, as the answer to “How are you?” -- Miss Manners would not fault your enthusiasm.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have three cats. When we have guests for the first time, I try to remember to mention we have cats since some people are allergic, while others just don’t like them. However, sometimes I don’t think about it when extending an invitation.

Whose responsibility is it to raise the issue: the host’s or the guest’s? If someone has a food allergy and is coming for dinner, I assume they will let me know. Is it the same for pets?

GENTLE READER: No. And, Miss Manners notes, it is not the case for food allergies, either, unless it is something life-threateningly severe. Guests should not be vetting their hosts for all allergen possibilities and making guesses at both what is being served and who will be present. And they should definitely not be voicing and listing all of their mere dislikes and preferences, even if asked.

It is, however, generally polite that a host inquire about allergies before preparing a meal, and inform guests of any allergy-producing pets. If, as in your case, you forget, let them know when you remember -- or as they come through the door -- and do everything reasonable to isolate or eliminate the offenders. It should be noted, however, that this rule does not apply to any equally offensive humans.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We often meet friends at restaurants. If one party arrives ahead of the other, should they go to the table or wait for the other party to arrive so they can all be seated at the same time?

I would like to wait for them, but one couple always seems to arrive before us and they go to the table without us, even if I have made the reservation. Should I care, or not?

GENTLE READER: Not. Restaurant rules differ from dinner parties at one’s home. At the latter, guests wait to be seated until their hosts indicate that it is time to do so, and are seated themselves.

Miss Manners is surprised, however, that the situation you described has been an issue at restaurants, as most do not even allow only part of the party to be seated for fear of losing a bigger table if the others do not show. If your friends are able to get hold of a table, why not let them? If it helps, you may consider that the host in this case is the restaurant itself. And securing a table is infinitely preferable to being jostled in a crowded hallway.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)