DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a sibling who oftentimes puts me on her speakerphone when we talk. It is frustrating to me, and I feel like she’s really saying, “I’m busy and don’t have time to talk.” I think it’s rude.

She probably uses her speaker function in her business as a real estate agent, but I would find the habit equally as abrasive if I were a client. I think speakerphones are fine for conference calls, but person to person, it sends a negative message.

How would you handle this, or just let it go? Maybe I am wrong. If so, that answer would suffice.

GENTLE READER: Using a speakerphone during a private conversation is not actually rude, unless that conversation is not actually private. Miss Manners is inclined to be lenient on the mechanics of the situation as long as there is an understanding that any previously unspecified listeners are always announced.

If you find it otherwise intolerable, then you may say, “I am afraid this connection is bad. Sometimes speakerphones can muddy the sound reception -- and I don’t want to miss anything. Do you mind taking me off and seeing if it is any better?” And then tell them that it is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am about to have my second child, and I am formula-feeding this baby, as I did my first. Any recommendations for a more polite response than “None of your darn business” when asked why I chose to formula-feed? I prefer not to go into my mental health and prescribed medications with anyone but my husband.

GENTLE READER: “Thank you for your concern, but this was a decision made between our doctor and our family.” While you clearly should not have to justify your parenting choices, it is Miss Manners’ hope that citing a professional authority -- one not of the internet variety -- will quiet these nosy inquiries.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I told a good friend, who was 63 at the time, was still working, and had two kids under the age of 18, that he could collect Social Security checks for them until they turned 18, as I did.

At first, he did not believe me; then when he inquired and it was all true, he quit his job that he HATED and has collected over $60,000 in the past three years.

I never received even a thank-you. I dropped a few “you owe me’s,” but they fell on deaf ears. If that was me, I would have sent him at least dinner for two somewhere. I never ignore someone who does me a favor. Any other way to handle this besides letting it go?

GENTLE READER: For three years you have been waiting for this thank-you? If you were involved (as Miss Manners’ own dear father was) in actually setting up the Social Security system, then the whole country owes you a debt of gratitude.

But if this is not, in fact, the case, while a thank-you for the tip might have been nice, your burgeoning grudge most definitely is not. If Miss Manners informed you of a sale at a retail store, would she then deserve a cut of the money you saved? Unfortunately for you, your only choice is to let it go -- or to enter a field where a commission is warranted.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught to hold open doors for ladies, as well as allow ladies to enter and exit elevators before myself. But are there any guidelines for occasions when only gentlemen are present?

I have to admit to feeling a bit silly having a gentleman approach a door ahead of me, then open it and allow me to pass ahead of him. Also, I have been in situations where several gentlemen will all motion for the others to precede them into or out of an elevator, resulting in everyone looking at each other and waiting for someone to enter or leave first.

GENTLE READER: It is always polite to let someone else go first, but as Miss Manners realizes that after a certain point, comedy and irritation are unavoidable, she does have a few practical suggestions.

Do not repeat an offer to let someone else go first. Call this the Abbott and Costello Rule. This means that the last person to say “You first” is the last out.

Do not make the offer if acting on it is impractical -- if, for example, you are standing at the front of the elevator at the midpoint of the door with 15 men behind you in the car. Call this the Marx Brothers “Night at the Opera” Rule.

If you really feel the need, you can always turn around after you exit and put your hand on the door to hold it for the next person. Miss Manners never objects to politeness, but if properly handled, exiting an elevator can be accomplished before the alarm sounds and the door closes on some unlucky rider (the Buster Keaton Scenario).

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While on vacation, it seemed every restaurant we ate at would wrap silverware while we were at dinner. The clatter of the silverware interrupted our conversation and atmosphere.

We said something to the silverware attendant at one place, and she said she would increase the volume of the television. What would Miss Manners have done?

GENTLE READER: If the attendant was being literal-minded in attempting to address your complaint, then Miss Manners would not order the “catch of the day” for fear of what the cook may think the term means. If the attendant was being sarcastic, Miss Manners would respond literally, clarifying politely that you were hoping to be relocated to a quieter table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughters-in-law host small parties, and extend invitations to me through my daughter, saying to her: “Tell your dad he’s invited.” The in-laws have my phone number and are known to send texts.

Is it too much to expect a phone call or even a simple text directly from the hosts for such invitations? Do such indirect invitations reflect an insincere wish for my attendance, perhaps just for the sake of maintaining appearances?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps. Or perhaps they thought of you while inviting their sister-in-law and knew she would be speaking with you soon.

It is not too much to expect a direct invitation, but Miss Manners stops short of accusing anyone of rudeness. You cannot gauge the intentions of your daughters-in-law because they are not talking to you directly. And Miss Manners can neither testify to their sincerity nor convey your curiosity, as she does not know the ladies in question.

Someone has to bridge the gap, and your daughter is already conveniently located in the middle. Ask her to explain to her sisters-in-law that while you would love to attend their parties, you don’t feel right accepting a secondhand invitation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a letter from a friend soliciting donations for a co-worker of hers whose stepmother had died. There was nothing in the letter indicating what the money was needed for, or if it would go to a charity -- only a reference to a funding website created by the family of the deceased. As far as I know, the family is not needy, and all the children are grown and supporting themselves.

I know families solicit donations for charity in memory of the deceased or to help out if the deceased had dependents, but I’ve never heard of a situation like this. Am I just clueless or is this a typical request?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, many people now think of friendship as a pay-as-they-go proposition. Every step of life -- birth, birthdays, graduations, engagement, marriage and the birth cycle again -- seems to require a payment. Not a thoughtful, symbolic present chosen to please that specific person, mind you, but a simple payment.

And yes, Miss Manners regrets to say that many have added death as a fundraising opportunity. It began with the reasonable notion of avoiding a surfeit of flowers by suggesting a charitable donation to a cause connected with the deceased’s interests or illness. To this was added the kindness of collecting money in cases where the bereavement was a severe financial blow.

But now it seems to be turning into an automatic assumption that the bereaved need to be paid. Miss Manners would think that solvent people would be offended at the idea that money is some sort of compensation for a death.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Next month, I am hosting a graduation party for my stepdaughter. Her mother has felt the need to invite several of her friends to the party without asking me. When I asked my stepdaughter if she wanted them there, she said, “They might bring money.”

First, I am appalled at her attitude that a graduation party is a money grab and I told her you would be, too. Second, how do I approach her mother to say that if she wants to invite her friends, then she should throw a party and not expect me to foot the bill?

GENTLE READER: Yes, Miss Manners is as appalled as you that your stepdaughter regards her graduation party as an opportunity to shake down as many people as possible. But apparently you are not innocent, either, of calculating social obligations in terms of money.

Personally, Miss Manners believes that the guest lists of graduation parties should consist of graduates and their friends. But yours seems to be for adult friends of the parents, and you seem already to have included your stepdaughter’s mother, in which case she should be able to have her friends.

You could have asked her to be a hostess and, as such, to discuss with you what each of you is willing to spend on the party. If it is too late for that, your calculating the cost of what a reasonable number of the mother’s friends might eat is as grubby as your stepdaughter’s matching that against the amount of the take they might bring.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)