Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife caught me eating at the sink.

I said: ”I bet Miss Manners eats at the sink.”

She said: ”Miss Manners gets served by waiters and footmen.”

Please resolve the correctness of standing and eating at the sink.

GENTLE READER: You are both wrong about Miss Manners’ dining habits, but that should not be the issue here. The issue is not even whether one should eat at the sink.

Rather, it is getting caught eating at the sink.

Unlike morals, manners apply only when they affect other people. Much as we admire those who behave perfectly (or so they say) when they are unobserved, their virtue is unconnected with etiquette.

It is possible that many unsavory things go on in kitchens, and Miss Manners, for one, is grateful not to witness them. She has never understood the restaurant fad for having openly visible kitchens. So the next time you eat at the sink or lick the ladle or stick a spoon into the ice cream carton, make sure the kitchen door is closed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems that many people are taking adages stressing the importance of laughing at oneself a bit too far.

Many times, I have been inconvenienced by the small mistakes of others and stood ready to forgive and forget, if only an apology were provided. For example, the teacher of an exercise class might forget to bring a necessary item, thus diminishing the students’ experience, or a doctor’s desk staff might be away from the desk, backs turned and munching cake, initially ignoring patients. In one case, I attended a party during which a fellow guest soiled my friend’s floor with dirty shoes.

Small apologies were the only things necessary in each case, but they were not offered. Instead, each offender broke into laughter, adding jovially, “Oh, we’re too busy eating to care about patients!” or, “Oh my gosh! I am getting dirt on your floor! Ha ha ha!”

I take it that these people would like their victims to laugh along, but, while none of these things is of monumental importance, they are also not humorous in any way. I have trouble laughing at anything but a good joke, and the fact that others do not care if they inconvenience me does not cause me to giggle.

What is the proper response? Am I correct that the minor offenders are behaving improperly by substituting laughter for an apology?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing that chills misplaced laughter so much as a blank look and silence, Miss Manners has observed. But if that doesn’t prompt an apology, you can say, “I don’t get it. What’s so funny?” This gives the offender the opportunity to retreat by claiming to have laughed only out of embarrassment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is best and appropriate for the mother of the groom to wear to an elegant, outdoor barn wedding venue? The bride is wearing a beautiful off-white, strapless, mermaid-style bridal gown.

GENTLE READER: Never having understood the concept of a wedding “theme,” Miss Manners does not need to dwell on the mental picture of a mermaid in a barn.

Neither do you. Whatever the bridal industry may claim, the couple’s mothers are not specifically costumed, but may wear whatever they like in keeping with the degree of formality that applies to the other guests.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I’m expecting guests, I will keep one eye out my window to watch for their arrival. When their car pulls into my driveway, I will open my door for them and greet them on the stoop, or if they have items to bring in, I will meet them at their vehicle to lend a hand.

Unfortunately, I don’t often receive the same courtesy when I visit others. Many times, I have been left standing on a front porch for what seems like long periods of time after having rung the doorbell, hearing sounds of life from inside but no urgency to let me in.

Am I expecting too much to be greeted at the door before the bell is even rung?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Yes, you are.

It is one thing to be ready for your guests near to their appointed arrival time. But quite another to cease all activity long before it -- and to be peering out the door, ready to pounce before they do. Particularly, since not all guests are as prompt as Miss Manners can only assume you must be.

If it is truly taking an inordinate amount of time for your hosts to come to their door, then you may say politely, “Oh dear. Am I early?” when they finally do. But only if you can manage to say it without an accusatory edge.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband of 33 years and I have separated, although not legally. I have not seen him for 18 months. This is my choice. (Actually, I was heartbroken.)

His mother has expressed to our grown children that she would like to see me again. I have reason to suspect that this is motivated by curiosity and the possibility of future gossip. This sort of thing seems to make her feel important.

I always treated her with the respect that my husband demonstrated for her, despite his occasional disappointments in her as a mother.

Must I see her? Must I respond? Obviously, I’m hoping that I needn’t. But I realize this is likely a purely selfish response.

Of importance to me, of course, is that I not add to our grown children’s discomfort. But, life being as it is, is that rightfully my responsibility in this matter?

GENTLE READER: Not to make your children uncomfortable? On the contrary, Miss Manners thought that that was every parent’s right and privilege.

However, if you wish to relieve your children of the burden of being in the middle, tell them to ask your former mother-in-law to contact you directly. Then, based on any ensuing invitations, you can suss out whether or not you want to actually meet up with her. This should not only get your children off the hook, but also be a critical first step in thwarting her if, indeed, her true intention was just to stir up trouble.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you have dinner guests, must you offer a full bar or no bar at all? We don’t typically have anything on hand but martini fixings and scotch, but we do stock beer and wine for guests.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette, being more interested in the “how” than the “what,” concentrates on serving the drinks rather than mixing them.

What you serve -- if you serve any alcohol at all -- is up to you. Miss Manners does require that if you hide the good wine from undiscriminating palates, then the discriminating palates (including the host’s) will have to settle as well. And requests for nonalcoholic beverages should be honored without argument or inquiry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy giving my friends and family tickets for concerts, plays or sporting events, and everyone seems to enjoy them.

However, it seems that there is an unspoken rule that gifts of tickets must be given in multiples. Many people have an issue attending an event by themselves, and if you give them a single ticket, you may be setting them up for an uncomfortable experience.

Therefore I always give tickets in pairs. However, the last time I did this, the recipient thought that I was implying that he had to invite me as his guest. I didn’t mean anything like that! I told him that while I would enjoy going with him, he wasn’t obligated to invite me and could invite whoever he wanted.

On yet another occasion, my brother gave me six tickets to a play for my birthday. While I appreciated his generosity, I had a hard time finding five people who were available to come, and it caused a lot of stress. My brother himself was unavailable to attend, which made the situation even worse.

How many tickets are appropriate? If you give multiple tickets, does it obligate the recipient to invite the giver? And is the giver obligated to make themselves available, in the event that they are invited?

GENTLE READER: In the absence of specific knowledge, tickets should be given in pairs, and acknowledged, like all gifts, with a thank-you letter. There is no obligation for the recipient to reciprocate immediately or in kind -- in other words, to give the second ticket back to the giver.

Before Miss Manners is inundated with letters pointing out that this will be hurtful to the person without a significant other -- or with not just a significant other, but significant friends and children -- allow her to explain.

One of etiquette’s virtues is that by establishing rules -- sometimes arbitrary ones -- it manages expectations. A pair of tickets is the most likely to be useful without being inconvenient -- surely reasonable goals for a present. But such rules are intended to be modified by “local knowledge”: There is no ban on providing enough tickets for the family to attend a family show.

The recipients should realize that had you expected to be included, you would have asked them to attend as your guests, rather than handed over the tickets.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)