DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since my husband and I both retired, I am noticing some etiquette situations with friends and acquaintances that are awkward and annoying. I am always taken aback and don't know quite how to respond to these various questions:

1. If I say that I am not up to doing something, and someone asks, "How come?"

2. When something needs doing at home and I happen to mention it, and the response is, "Why can't your husband do it?"

3. "Have you had a colonoscopy yet?"

4. "When are you going to downsize?"

5. "You need to rent a place in the South for the winter."

6. "You and your husband need to get out more."

7. "How many medications are you on?"

8. "You shouldn't be eating that."

9. "When are you going to get around to doing such-and-such?"

10. "Have you purchased your burial plots yet?"

11. "Why doesn't your husband/wife like doing such-and-such anymore?"

12. "Why do you need that at your age?"

Thank you for any suggestions!

GENTLE READER: Nice crowd you have there. Miss Manners is tempted to augment question 5 with the suggestion that you move south, or anywhere else, to get rid of them.

One suggestion will do to respond to all of these: "How kind you are to take such an interest in our business."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Donation containers for the needy by our cash registers have been relabeled for tips. I felt that was tacky, but since it didn't require any action on my part, I sought to ignore it.

Now credit card payments flag the customer screen with a yes/no question: "Would you like to leave a tip?" It then flags me that my customer (if they choose to do so) is leaving a tip ... to which I am to give a certain response.

I feel this whole tip thing is tacky and rather rude. If I am going to receive a tip, I don't think I should be informed of it. I've seen many price increases, and to ask the customer to give yet more money seems wrong. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That more people should patronize the restaurants that have decided to abolish tipping. Miss Manners is puzzled that customers don't seem to understand that they pay no more when the cost of labor is built into the prices, and spare themselves possible embarrassment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I invite a guest, sometimes before they accept my invitation they say they need to see what's going on that night. Should I rescind the offer so I can invite someone I know will come?

I'm not sure I like the "maybe, man" attitude. I would either decline or accept. There should be no middle ground. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Your response should be, "Well, perhaps another time." However, Miss Manners does not recommend that you name another time -- ever. Why would you want to entertain someone who so clearly hopes that something better will come along?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Which of the following correctly describes the reason for including a dress code with an invitation?

-- To sharpen your rapier wit on your would-be guests.

-- To inspire your friends to reach new heights of sartorial creativity, challenging them to think "outside the box." (Inside the box there is now so much unclaimed real estate that those of us still in residence are not coming out, barring actual flooding.)

-- To sow confusion.

If you chose any or all of the above, you may join the majority of your fellow citizens who celebrate their individuality by conforming as strictly as possible to the prejudices of their peers. It is more crowded in this box than Miss Manners had thought.

The purpose of a dress code is to save your guests from having to guess what is expected, while comforting them that if they wear what is asked, they will not spend the evening dodging dirty looks from a partner -- or having to regale friends with the hilarious story of how their ties got caught in the car door.

Miss Manners would have thought this would be appreciated by the perpetually overbooked and uncomfortable Modern Lady and Gentleman.

Such is not the case.

Miss Manners does realize that some of the more fanciful dress codes are intended to be humorous and playful, but there are places where humor does not belong. Fire exit signs and confessions that you wrecked your parents' car come to mind.

A proper dress code should be understandable to its intended audience. Once upon a time, it was understood that "formal" meant white tie, "informal" meant black tie, and the absence of a direction was what some now term "business attire." Decades of improvisation have destroyed that understanding, relegating such terms to the waste bin of useless words, where they sit next to "semiformal" and "inflammable," awaiting a final disposal that never comes.

"Black tie," "jacket and tie," and, in the case of public accommodations, "no flip-flops" lack joie de vivre, but they make up for it in intelligibility.

Notice that most dress codes specify what is expected of the gentleman, rather than the lady. One would think husbands would be used to this by now, but the reason for it is practical. Male clothing, particularly as it increases in formality, is more prescribed than female clothing. Who, other than the owner, can say which is a lady's second-best dress?

If all this is too much for you when issuing invitations, there is no requirement to specify a dress code at all. The smart (though confused) guest will call and ask, and you may then discuss it at as great length as you feel up to. At least it will take less time than trying to parse the differences between "cocktail attire," "smart casual," "tea party dress," "country club wear" and "after-5 attire."

As for "business casual," Miss Manners suspects that it is not a dress code at all, but an accounting practice, accessorized with handcuffs and subpoenas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long do you have to send out wedding thank-you cards?

GENTLE READER: Starting from the time that each gift arrives, until you get to the end of the list of people to whom you should be thankful. And, Miss Manners decrees, not a minute longer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My older sister just got engaged and I am the maid of honor. I am very excited to play this role and take seriously my duty of planning a great, classy and fun bachelorette party.

She mentioned that she wanted to do a weekend with her friends, but for me to surprise her. Because the wedding is in the fall and she loves the beach, I was looking into an awesome beach weekend where guests can get back into warm weather and the rates are less expensive.

However, she has dropped hints about what she "had in her head" -- a very cold location with less to do, but one where she went to college and where some of her friends are.

I feel it would be difficult to have fun there for three days. The hostess part of me feels obligated to provide a good time for everyone, and a beach location offers the opportunity for guests to get out, go sightseeing or head to the beach, as opposed to being cooped up with nothing to fill in the hours between meals and wine tastings. I also feel people from that area would appreciate something different than their same old weekend routine.

Do I go along with the "ideas" of the bride and hope for the best? Or do I ensure a good time for everyone at an alternate, more entertaining location? Who am I obligated to here, the guests or the bride?

GENTLE READER: Your sister has added to the delightful game of "pay for my expensive party" by including a guessing component of what's in her head. What fun.

Miss Manners feels sure that when it comes to picking presents -- a time when guessing what will please her should necessarily be a component -- this bride would not dare leave that task up to chance. Ah, modern weddings.

It seems you are bound to fail at this task and promote discord either way. But while Miss Manners does not like these games, she does commend your sister, in part, at least, for having it "in her head" to save her guests money and inconvenience. And at least vaguely recognizing that a bachelorette party is a silly, optional gathering of friends, not a major vacation.

That she is (sort of) suggesting a party in a town where some of her friends live already virtually assures you and them a better time because it is a place that is more convenient and affordable. In this case, going against the bride's hints has the potential not only to disappoint her, but also to irritate guests who may or may not be more entertained by spending money on a vacation not of their choosing. Miss Manners suggests that in this case, you go with the bride -- and request that further wedding plans be made together and up front.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have invited some Jewish friends for dinner, although I know for sure they are non-kosher. What can I serve? Pork, beef, fish?

GENTLE READER? Yes. But probably not all at once.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)