DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it extremely rude for people to text before 9 a.m. and after 9 p.m. unless it is an emergency.

Most people leave their phones on in case of emergencies. When a text is received, the alert tone will go off and keep going off until answered. This usually wakes me up when I should be sleeping. I've gotten texts at all hours of the night and very early morning. These are messages that could have waited until a more appropriate time.

How do I tell people, without seeming mean, that I find it to be inconsiderate and inappropriate to text at these hours? I had a friend state that they are up and at work at 6 a.m., so they start texting then. Again, that's inconsiderate. What's your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That email is a lot quieter, and text-alert settings are easily changed. Miss Manners sees nothing mean about politely asking your friends to text you during (your) daytime hours unless there is an emergency. Of course, you have only yourself to blame for the quality of your friends if they consider "I'm bored! Making waffles" an emergency.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 6-year-old son and my husband's brother has a 1-year-old boy. We live in two different countries. Still, we meet every year when we visit my mother-in-law, as they live with her.

My problem is that they named their son my boy's name. I was so devastated to hear this, and I gently told his wife how I feel. She was OK and told me that she will pick a different name. But her husband and elder daughter and even my mother-in-law won't change.

Both kids always get confused to hear the name, and I feel so sad every time I have to tell my son, "It's not you." But it seems that they are least bothered. My mother-in-law always is on their side and doesn't care about my son at all.

Last vacation I didn't stay there for long, as I cannot stand the ego of these people. Am I overreacting? I am learning to ignore and live with it. Still, please let me know how would you handle a situation like this.

GENTLE READER: As the cousin is already a year old, it's unlikely that his family will change what they call him to appease relatives they see only once a year.

However, Miss Manners has heard that children often acquire nicknames. Perhaps you can invent one for your nephew -- a kind one that will not reflect your low opinion of your in-laws, but one that will catch on? Or perhaps you can persuade your son that it would be fun to use a foreign version of his name when he travels.

In addition, if you could somehow convince your son (and yourself) that the name overlap is an homage -- and not the insult and inconvenience you see it to be -- it would be a valuable lesson in diplomacy. And also do much to avoid a lifelong hostility with a cousin he rarely sees.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is in kindergarten and was invited to a "friendship party" hosted by a classmate at a martial arts school. Should she bring a gift?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Friendship.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would consider myself to be a good-humored, cheerful sort of person and enjoy smiling when I have cause to smile.

However, when I am intensely focused on accomplishing something difficult (either mentally or physically), I apparently fail to smile, which seems to be a sin in our society. This causes my fellow citizens (no doubt civic-minded) to admonish me to smile, accompanied by a perky smile of their own, which I admit to finding irksome in the extreme.

Could you offer advice on how to respond appropriately, particularly when said admonishment is issued in front of a group? I find if I ignore it, the admonishment continues, but fear a direct rejection of the order might "create a scene" (of which I have a near British-level aversion). And thus I typically comply with a weak smile, which ends the situation but invariably leaves me in a foul mood and, I fear, bit by bit, slowly destroys my soul.

GENTLE READER: You had Miss Manners' sympathy that such admonitions are rude, and diminish rather than increase the level of civic concord. And you had her agreement on the weak smile as the correct response -- up to the point where you suggested that a courteous reply would have unfortunate, and possibly eternal, consequences.

The hope in giving a weak smile (moving the mouth only slightly while the eyes simply stare) is that it will, over time, discourage your fellow citizens from repeating their behavior when they see it is unwelcome. It will not put a sudden and dramatic stop to that behavior. But responses that would create significantly more civic discord, if they do not carry jail time, should be avoided.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative let me know that she had purchased a present for me and asked when I would be able to pick it up.

My schedule has not yet allowed me to go to her town at a time when she is at home, and it is now well past the gift-giving occasion.

Is it up to the gift receiver to come and collect, or for the giver to send/deliver it? I feel she is getting irritated at my seeming lack of enthusiasm by not making time in my schedule to come to her.

GENTLE READER: Although she does not know your relative, Miss Manners has no trouble believing that your unwillingness is taken as a sign of lack of interest. Nor does it surprise her that the would-be gift-giver has failed to notice her own lack of interest, as demonstrated by ordering something online (a guess) and then demanding the recipient travel to another town to take ownership.

Miss Manners has found that encouraging people to throw parties for themselves is both dangerous and unnecessary, and does not do so in this case. But you should propose some event, perhaps a dinner at your home, where the present can be received. If it is for an event in your own life, a birthday, for example, perhaps there is a birthday in the relative's part of the family that can be recognized at the same time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a cashier at a pharmacy chain for 19 years, I take great pride in the level of service I provide. I go out of my way to make my customers happy because ultimately they are the ones who pay me. I also take great pride in knowing the names of 80 percent of the regulars.

I've had my fair share of difficult people, and I always manage to find a way to deal with them politely and professionally. But last evening I had a particularly difficult one who berated me very loudly in front of several others.

When she walked through the door, I greeted her as I greet everyone, male or female, with: "Hi, hon! How are you today?" She responded, "I'm not your 'hon,' I'm your customer!" She walked away, cursing me and my store location in particular.

I was taken aback! Not once in all of my years of working with the public have I ever had anyone complain because I had called them "hon."

When she came up to the register, I greeted her again, without the "hon," but during the course of our interaction, I unintentionally called her "dear."

That was it -- she was off and running with a loud verbal assault on my rude and condescending behavior and my overall intelligence. She asked me if I even knew what "condescending" meant. I told her yes, I do know what it means, I'm very sorry, that I never meant to offend her, and I was only trying to be friendly.

This shook me to my core! I was heartbroken that I had insulted someone, even if it was unintentional, and extremely embarrassed for both her and me. It bothered me so much that I waited on the couple behind her in tears. I would NEVER purposely insult or condescend to my customers. I love them; they allow me to keep food in my daughter's mouth, clothes on her back and a roof over her head.

Until that moment, it never dawned on me that my use of "hon" could be offensive. This bothered me so much that I started doing research about it. I found out that many people are offended by it.

I purposely don't use "ma'am" and "sir" -- I think it is too formal. I want my customers to know that I truly appreciate and care about them. I'm hoping that you will suggest something to call those who I don't know by name -- something that falls somewhere between the "ma'am/sir" formality and the "hon" familiarity.

GENTLE READER: There, there. Let us begin with acknowledging that you meant well and that the customer was rude. But then Miss Manners must go on to explain the problem.

Terms of endearment, however common, are not suitable for commercial transactions. It is a relatively formal situation, and "ma'am" and "sir" are not wrong. Except that ...

There is a problem related both to those terms and to the accusation of condescension. It has to do with our prudish attitudes toward age. Some people object to titles of dignity because they believe it identifies them as old. Others consider that unwarranted affection is used to treat the elderly as children.

So you can't win. Miss Manners offers her sympathy and suggests that you refrain from direct modes of address until you learn the new customers' names.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is engaged to marry her college roommate. What is a father's role at a gay wedding?

GENTLE READER: Father of the bride -- the one whose father he is.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)