DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am pregnant and would like to throw a gender-reveal party. (It's a party for the identification of the sex of the baby.) I worry that this party might be construed as a rude attempt for gifts.

I don't want any gifts, and this isn't a baby shower, nor am I expecting one. I just want to share the joy with family and friends and provide food and games. But would the whole idea still be considered tacky?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Miss Manners believes that your intentions are good and that you simply want to share joyous news. So she hates to be a wet blanket (in a gender-neutral color, of course), but feels compelled to tell you something that will save you time and friendships in the future as a mother.

Not everyone is as excited as you are about every detail of your child's life. It's best to know this now, before you start going on Facebook announcing baby's first spit-up, or throwing parties for when he or she sleeps through the night.

The particular new ritual you mention -- and there really isn't a correct term for this made-up event -- is farcical. Cakes are cut to reveal pink or blue insides, bets are taken and teams are formed. (One acquaintance of Miss Manners attended such an event and said that the mother-to-be was so distraught when she didn't get the gender she wanted that she started blaming the guests for jinxing it.) It is no wonder that guests assume a gift is required as the price of admission to these absurd theatrics.

The fact is that you will actually get more profound and prolonged joy if you reveal (or "identify") the gender one by one to individuals who you think might genuinely be excited by the news. Gathering around at a party waiting to hear and celebrate the announcement of one of only two possible choices is not a party-worthy event -- and it is not dignified. There will be plenty of parties in your future filled with games and silly cakes. Save the fun for then.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I talk with a friend of mine at least three to four times a week. In the past year, it has become very annoying.

In nine times out of 10, if she calls and I can't answer, I'll call back -- sometimes in five minutes. She has never answered my return call, but she'll call back in 10 to 15 minutes. It has become so obvious.

I don't understand the reason for this behavior. I have not directly addressed the situation, but I must. How?

GENTLE READER: What has become so obvious? Miss Manners got lost in all of the numbers.

It is obvious to you that you are not answering your friend's calls because it is inconvenient. But you believe it to be equally obvious that she is not answering yours because she wants to prove a point?

You would be hard pressed to directly address this in a way that won't seem dismissive and self-important -- particularly if you wish to continue talking to her three to four times a week. Let it go -- or resort to texting to find a mutually convenient time to speak, preferably in person.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine has informed me that my mother-in-law is throwing a surprise party for my husband's 40th birthday.

Great idea! Except for the fact that I was totally clueless. Plus this party would be at my home.

My mother-in-law never mentioned this to me, nor did she ask permission to use my home. I'm so torn between telling my husband or not telling him. As you can imagine, I'm very frustrated and upset. What do I do?

GENTLE READER: Actually surprising the guest of honor at a surprise party is not strictly required -- although an appearance of surprise is.

But Miss Manners would have thought that surprising the host would have created insuperable logistical problems. Apparently not. Your mother-in-law overstepped the bounds of common sense, as well as good manners.

But since you support the party itself -- and presumably wish to continue good relations within the family -- the best approach is to speak directly to your mother-in-law about the party itself and not, at least directly, about not being consulted. This will leave you free to agree (or disagree) with your mother-in-law about more pressing matters such as the guest list, the menu -- and possibly the location of the party.

Your complaint is best handled by prefacing your remarks with a pleasant expression of surprise that you didn't know about the party. Your husband can then be tasked with being more explicit with your mother-in-law later.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a department that gives performance-based commissions, one of my co-workers began prodding me with questions about my commission: "What were your numbers last month?" "Have you gotten your commission check yet?" and so on.

I attempted to deflect her by saying, "Oh, I haven't paid much attention. Everything gets direct-deposited, and I never check my deposit statements. Remind me never to do your finances."

The joke does not seem to have discouraged her, however, as she recently began asking our supervisor about her commissions -- specifically, how they compare to mine.

I don't know what the privacy policies are like in this office (I am fairly new here), but I'm not keen on everyone knowing exactly how much I make. Nor do I care for the notion that my co-workers are in on the assessment of my performance. In any case, the questioning strikes me as rather nosy and off-putting.

Can Miss Manners recommend a way to discourage these questions in a clear and definitive way without harming what is otherwise a nice and friendly professional relationship?

GENTLE READER: Discussing money at work is not, Miss Manners likes to point out, subject to the normal ban on the topic in a nonprofessional setting. But that does not make it acceptable in the situation you describe.

Your attempt to deflect the question with humor is more attuned to a social than a business setting. "I'm sorry, but I do not want to discuss it," followed by a quick pivot to a less delicate subject, is both more businesslike and more likely to be effective.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have learned about another way for couples to get cash instead of gifts for their wedding without coming out and crassly asking for it.

We were invited to a wedding, and I was talking to my sister about what to choose from the gift registry. She noticed that the couple had requested two slow cookers, and I added that I saw they had registered for three identical wool blankets.

I ordered an item, but when I tried to have it sent to my house instead of to the couple, I found the item could be sent only to the address set up for the couple. I contacted the store and was told they didn't have that feature (to send it to a different address), but the person I was communicating with said he would "bring it up at the next meeting."

Later I talked to the bride-to-be, and she told me that they don't actually get the gifts; they get the value of the gifts put into their account, and they can spend it however they want: "We don't want to get anything we don't want."

GENTLE READER: Oh, a laundering scheme. There seems to be no shortage of commercial enterprises to help bridal couples shake down their wedding guests.

This one is particularly insulting as it tries to fool those guests into thinking they are exercising even the minimal amount of choice in how they spend their money by selecting something that the couple have fraudulently said they wanted.

Miss Manners is afraid that this sort of thing will stop only when people refuse to go along with the demands of their supposed hosts, whether these demands are made in the form of shopping lists, aka gift registries, or blatant or devious demands for money.

Unfortunately, many people have resigned themselves to this as a sort of admission price for attending weddings. Why they want to attend the weddings of people who are practicing extortion on them, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I handle "compliments" that are really an insult to the person delivering the compliment?

I have friends who frequently say things like, "It's great to see you walking every morning with your kids. I really have no excuse for being so lazy in the mornings," or "You look so healthy! I really need to start eating better."

I never know how to respond to these comments. I work hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle in order to help combat depression that I have struggled with for years. I certainly don't spend any time worrying about my friends' exercise plans or eating habits.

What is a gracious way to accept the compliment without accepting the criticism?

GENTLE READER: You are hardly responsible for their self-flagellation. There are those who are unable to regard other people, even with admiration, without making comparisons to themselves.

So Miss Manners allows you to consider that while the compliment was directed toward you and may be answered with a simple "thank you," the criticism -- with which you can hardly argue -- may be ignored as a note-to-self.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)