DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have learned about another way for couples to get cash instead of gifts for their wedding without coming out and crassly asking for it.

We were invited to a wedding, and I was talking to my sister about what to choose from the gift registry. She noticed that the couple had requested two slow cookers, and I added that I saw they had registered for three identical wool blankets.

I ordered an item, but when I tried to have it sent to my house instead of to the couple, I found the item could be sent only to the address set up for the couple. I contacted the store and was told they didn't have that feature (to send it to a different address), but the person I was communicating with said he would "bring it up at the next meeting."

Later I talked to the bride-to-be, and she told me that they don't actually get the gifts; they get the value of the gifts put into their account, and they can spend it however they want: "We don't want to get anything we don't want."

GENTLE READER: Oh, a laundering scheme. There seems to be no shortage of commercial enterprises to help bridal couples shake down their wedding guests.

This one is particularly insulting as it tries to fool those guests into thinking they are exercising even the minimal amount of choice in how they spend their money by selecting something that the couple have fraudulently said they wanted.

Miss Manners is afraid that this sort of thing will stop only when people refuse to go along with the demands of their supposed hosts, whether these demands are made in the form of shopping lists, aka gift registries, or blatant or devious demands for money.

Unfortunately, many people have resigned themselves to this as a sort of admission price for attending weddings. Why they want to attend the weddings of people who are practicing extortion on them, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I handle "compliments" that are really an insult to the person delivering the compliment?

I have friends who frequently say things like, "It's great to see you walking every morning with your kids. I really have no excuse for being so lazy in the mornings," or "You look so healthy! I really need to start eating better."

I never know how to respond to these comments. I work hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle in order to help combat depression that I have struggled with for years. I certainly don't spend any time worrying about my friends' exercise plans or eating habits.

What is a gracious way to accept the compliment without accepting the criticism?

GENTLE READER: You are hardly responsible for their self-flagellation. There are those who are unable to regard other people, even with admiration, without making comparisons to themselves.

So Miss Manners allows you to consider that while the compliment was directed toward you and may be answered with a simple "thank you," the criticism -- with which you can hardly argue -- may be ignored as a note-to-self.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father is very ill and will not be with us for too much longer.

One of his daughters is estranged from the family and has been for about 20 years. This was by her own doing, and despite overtures from us -- and even her ex-husband admitting that he stirred up the trouble between her and the family -- she has chosen to keep her distance.

Even knowing how sick he is now, she has not reached out to make contact. That is fine; while it hurt my father very much, he has accepted it and never mentions her.

My sister and I, who are responsible for helping our mother with arrangements, wonder whether or not to list her, her daughter and her grandson as survivors in the obituary. Most etiquette guidelines I've found approach the topic from the point of view of the family estranging the child and not the other way around. This daughter is from my father's first marriage, so my sister and I are trying to determine the correct thing to do without worrying our mother.

Of course, we are inclined to leave her out given that she initiated and maintained the estrangement, but we do wonder if there is a point of view that we aren't considering.

GENTLE READER: Yes, unfortunately. The facts.

Despite the estranged nature of the relationship, a relationship nevertheless technically exists. An obituary is a form of journalism, and journalism reflects the truth, not opinions about what should have happened. It does not punish people for bad behavior by erasing them from history.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to address (by introduction and mail) a physician whose license has been permanently revoked?

GENTLE READER: By his or her former preferred honorific -- unless you are the victim of the license's revocation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What verbiage can I use when inviting guests to a party at a restaurant when I want them to pay for their own meals?

GENTLE READER: You have touched upon an issue that does much to create animosity among those who are supposedly friends. Miss Manners hears constantly from people who thought they were being invited to be guests, only to be given a bill.

So please drop that language. You are not inviting people to be your guests, but asking them if they would like to meet you for a meal out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was trying to explain to my 5-year-old daughter that I would like for her to grow up to be a lady, and her brother, a gentleman. When she asked me what a lady was, however, I struggled to come up with an answer! Can you please tell me what defines a lady and gentleman?

GENTLE READER: Good manners, impeccable poise and a covered bum.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a small department in a medium-sized hospital. My problem and that of the other workers in our department concerns a fellow employee whose table manners are deplorable, not to mention unhealthy in the hospital environment in which we work.

When we eat lunch together, he will pick his teeth with a plastic fork, use his napkin as a handkerchief or loudly clear his throat, all without excusing himself from the table where we are all eating. Today, he helped himself to my lunch using his fingers to tear off a piece of meat without asking permission. We were all horrified.

Please, tell us how to politely inform him of his terrible manners without hurting his feelings. Besides showing a lack of etiquette, his table manners are unsanitary, especially in a hospital setting.

GENTLE READER: His manners are unsanitary in a non-hospital setting as well, which leads Miss Manners to wonder why you choose to continue to eat lunch with him.

Ending joint lunches may be a sacrifice, but it avoids the rudeness of correcting someone else's manners. If your co-worker notices the change and asks, it may then be possible to explain that you have a prejudice from childhood of not sharing your lunch, but you did not want to give offense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son and his fiancee are planning a wedding in her hometown. It will be an out-of-town wedding for all of our side of the family and friends, and many of the bride's friends. With hopes of getting a sense in advance (for accommodations and other planning purposes) of how many guests will make the long trip, would it be acceptable to include on the save-the-date notices a line of "Advance RSVPs Welcomed and Appreciated" along with the wedding website address?

I feel that without the RSVP prompt, most guests will just wait for the formal invitation, which will come far too late to reserve rooms and make other important arrangements.

GENTLE READER: While there is a logic to getting answers sooner, Miss Manners fears that it breaks down when asking someone to respond to an invitation that has not actually been extended. She has no objection, however, to simply sending the invitation earlier.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father offered one of my root beers to a guest of my aunt's. Was he right?

Or should he not have offered my stuff since I had nothing to do with the guest? Please help me with this so I can stop being angry when he does this.

GENTLE READER: It is time to have a talk with your father, now that he is of an age where he can understand the consequences of his actions. You must be the adult. And adults do not begrudge using available supplies to offer hospitality to guests.

Miss Manners suggests you explain to him that just as he taught you to respect his feelings and his things, he owes you the same courtesy. You would be happy to share your root beer with your aunt's friend, but he should have asked you first.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)