DEAR MISS MANNERS: While it's important not to waste resources, what is the proper thing to do when one flush doesn't remove all of the waste?

It seems to be wasteful to continue flushing just to be sure all is gone before the next user needs to use the facilities, but also not nice to leave anything behind.

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners does not advocate being unnecessarily wasteful -- she has her limits. And that is to do whatever it takes to make a public facility reasonably hygienic after use. After all, throwing up in the toilet after seeing its previous contents will also cost an additional flush. So let us call this one even.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should I wear to a "black tie optional" wedding when the ceremony begins at 2 p.m. and the reception begins at 5 p.m.?

Should I wear my reception dress to the ceremony, or something more casual and change during the gap between the ceremony and reception? I've purchased a floor-length chiffon gown to wear to the reception, but don't want to be overdressed!

GENTLE READER: Your instinct is correct. Long dresses and black tie should not be worn before dusk.

Your hosts must think that the more important event is the party, rather than the marriage ceremony. So while Miss Manners considers the phrase "black tie optional" silly -- hosts cannot make their dress codes compulsory -- she suggest taking the option and choosing a dressy short dress or suit proper for a formal daytime occasion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I live in a very sociable neighborhood. The neighbors are not just casual acquaintances but good friends whose company we enjoy.

Our frustration lies with one friend in particular who lives in the house facing ours. The lady in question promptly accepts invitations to dinners or cocktail parties, and when she attends is a welcome and enjoyable guest.

However, she regularly texts my wife and me 15 minutes prior to the event and announces that she has settled in for the evening in her pajamas and is going to watch TV. This happens even though cocktails are early, around 6 p.m. most times.

Perhaps you could suggest a response to this friend for these texts, which make us feel that our event is of so little importance she cannot walk 100 feet to our door for an hour and then politely excuse herself before settling in to watch TV.

GENTLE READER: While there may be no response that will likely get her to change, not inviting her at all surely will. If she is bold enough to question why, say, "Oh, we felt so bad asking you to part with your valuable time at home. You are, of course, always welcome here if you see that we are entertaining. Just let us know when you are free."

Miss Manners feels confident that this woman will soon come running.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a doctor's receptionist calls to confirm your appointment and you are out, they practically demand that you call them to assure them you are keeping your appointment.

This is becoming epidemic. I find it annoying, as any respectable person will keep an appointment they make, or cancel it in a reasonable time. Thus I find this request rather insulting, as it translates to, "Assure me that you're an honest person."

GENTLE READER: The receptionist, who undoubtedly agrees with you about the importance of keeping appointments, would answer that the epidemic is among patients who do not. And being a member of a medical staff, he or she has a professional aversion to epidemics of any kind.

Miss Manners does not consider that the cure is worse than the disease. The reminder call is a kindness, so long as any request for confirmation is not too strongly worded. Doctors' offices do it as an alternative to the punitive, though acceptable, business practice of charging for missed appointments as if they had occurred.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper when someone apologizes and you know it isn't sincere? To just say, "I do not accept your apology," or what? How do I respond?

GENTLE READER: "I appreciate your saying that." It may be said in the same tone of voice that led you to believe that the apology was not sincere. And if you are on jury duty, Miss Manners assures you that an insincere apology does not prevent you from voting for conviction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many people do not feel the need to cancel parties, events, performances, games, etc., even though a close family member or friend has died. "She would have wanted the party to go on." That is what Clive Davis said when he held his pre-Grammy party with the body of his dead friend Whitney Houston still on the premises.

What is the rule about what events do or don't "go on" when a family member or close friend (how close?) dies. Does the football player still play in the Super Bowl the day after his father dies? Does the president address Congress the day after the death of his daughter (for example)? Where do you draw the line?

GENTLE READER: It is amazing how many recently deceased people take an interest in jolly events that they will miss. One used to be able to take it for granted that hosting a party or attending a joyous event while in mourning was something to be avoided.

However, this is not always possible. The Constitution allows flexibility in the timing of the State of the Union address, even if network television producers do not. Team members may need the contributions of a player who feels up to participating.

There can be no absolute rule, as the severity and closeness of the loss has to be weighed against the importance of the event, the ability to reschedule and the level of inconvenience to other participants. If participation is unavoidable and bearable, Miss Manners and good taste still expect subdued behavior, and the phrase "She would have wanted the party to go on" to be said in a funereal tone and not followed by open displays of hilarity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Happily, my girlfriend of two years accepted my marriage proposal, and even happier still, we can actually get legally married since we are both women. We would like to have a small ceremony at our home with friends and family who want to celebrate with us.

In an effort to have only a small number of truly supportive people with us this day, I have suggested the following: We send save-the-date cards to our invitation list. But we send full invitations only to those who respond saying they would like to attend.

This way, we are more sure of the guest count, and we are sure that those in attendance will be pleasant guests. (We both come from families that have a certain religious affiliation that is not friendly to homosexuals.)

My fiancee does not like the idea, as it will lead to confusion among those who receive the save-the-date card but who do not wish to contact us for more information.

I think if we are not close enough to a person that a phone call expressing congratulations on our engagement is too much, then we do not want them there.

GENTLE READER: Considering how many easy means of informal communications there are now, Miss Manners is astonished at how often people want to use pseudo-formal cards for informal messages.

Your fiancee is right. By no stretch of the imagination can a save-the-date card serve as a referendum on the marriage. The time for people to congratulate you was when you informed them of your engagement.

Your idea risks condemning well-meaning people who rightly understand that the card is merely an alert that an invitation will be forthcoming, and that it requires no response until then. That is also the point at which people who don't approve of the marriage can decline, although Miss Manners cautions you that there can be many reasons that may prevent attendance by people who wish you well.

Leading people to expect to be invited -- and even to turn down other invitations for that date -- and then blackballing them for lack of enthusiasm is rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one attends a historical lecture and discovers the lecturer's information is factually wrong on most points, is there a polite time and manner in which one might point out more appropriate research materials?

I am a newcomer to this group and do not wish to cause offense, but historical medicine is a hobby of mine, and it riles me to have an "expert" pass off fantasy as history.

GENTLE READER: It is indeed churlish to correct a speaker, but you can certainly ask for clarification. As in: "I was always led to believe that treating disease with hot cups to correct the balance of the humors was no longer considered effective. Is there new evidence to show that it is?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you wear hats when it's raining?

GENTLE READER: Sure, but they will get wet.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)