DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I the only one who is uncomfortable when the person on the other end of a telephone call does a loud Archie Bunker-type flush in the middle of the conversation? It makes me feel like I am in the bathroom with the individual.

GENTLE READER? Indeed. "Oh dear, I seem to have caught you at a bad time. Perhaps I should try you later when you are not quite so indisposed."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My college roommate and I have remained close friends over the years. She called to tell me that she was engaged and was planning a small wedding next fall. As this is a second marriage for both, her plan is to keep the ceremony and reception small, with only family and very close friends.

I was happy with her news and offered to host a small dinner before the wedding. She seemed thrilled and accepted with much expressed gratitude.

As the wedding approaches, my former roommate and I have talked about the various plans going on, as well as my dinner. At the end of a follow-up call, she said: "Invitations have gone in the mail today, and while you are invited to the wedding, your husband is not. I really don't care for him."

I was at a loss for words and ended the call. We have been close friends for 40 years and have named children after each other. I'm in a state of shock.

What should I tell my husband, and what advice do you have for me?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners is far from justifying this atrocious behavior, she is hoping, for your sake, that this woman is suffering from an acute case of a common, if unacceptable, affliction: bridal monstrosity. Surely when she comes to her senses, she will apologize profusely.

But Miss Manners would be happy to help you speed up that process by suggesting you say in your most measured tone, "Well, I am afraid that my husband and I come as a set, something I'm sure you and Travis would want to be considered once you are married. And I'll assume, therefore, that you won't be wanting us to host the dinner, since my husband and the house also come together."

If the first statement doesn't wake her up, surely the cancellation of the party, for which she expressed so much gratitude, will.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to my husband's first Christmas party with his company. I have been informed that one of his employees thinks that he is the smartest person in the company and lets you know it at every opportunity.

Any suggestions for comebacks that are not immediately known as a letdown?

GENTLE READER: What a helpmate you must be to your husband. Does he also help you by deflating your colleagues or acquaintances?

Miss Manners' suggestion of a comeback to bragging is "How nice for you." As your husband is this person's employer, you might add, "I've heard so much about you," without consenting to elaborate.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a singer and performer, young and female. Many times after a show, people -- especially men -- will come up and tell me how much they liked my performance. They also hint that they would like to be "better acquainted" with me.

Sometimes they'll start becoming regular fans, only to stop attending after two or three shows, once it is clear that I will not reciprocate their affections.

This confusion extends not only to fans, but to colleagues. The music world is not like an office, with a clear hierarchy -- success means weaving your way through a web of fellow musicians, engineers, bookers, etc. More than once, I've had someone tell me they were really interested in co-writing with me, booking me, etc., but once we're alone it's clear the motives were otherwise.

How can I be professional and friendly in this world, get things done, be taken seriously as a musician, not alienate fans or colleagues -- but not feel like I'm running a gantlet all the time? It's completely exhausting.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners cannot change your colleagues' behavior, she can help you manage it with one word: homework.

Treat the requests as genuine, while limiting your interactions to the unflinchingly professional. If a colleague offers to co-write, ask him to send you samples of his own work. A would-be agent can be told you would be thrilled to discuss any offers and would like to look over the details before meeting to discuss them. Fans should be added to the mailing list, not the backstage admittance list. Better to be thought clueless than to be bullied.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you eat mashed potatoes with a fork or a spoon?

GENTLE READER: A fork. If you need a spoon, the food you are eating is potato-flavored butter. Miss Manners does not recommend that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I purchased our first home last September, a beautiful house on a corner lot.

Well, then we had an unwelcome surprise. Almost every week, we have a new sign in our yard advertising for someone's garage sale.

I have not had one person ask my wife or me if they could place a sign in our yard; they just do it as if this is acceptable. I would never dream of placing anything in someone's yard without their consent. Whenever I see a new sign, I take it and throw it in the trash. Am I obligated to advertise other people's garage sales just because I have a corner lot?

GENTLE READER: You are under no such obligation, but barring the appearance of a sign- and mallet-wielding neighbor while you are out watering the petunias, some method of remote education is clearly necessary. This unfortunately means a sign of your own.

Miss Manners prefers the polite ("Please do not post signs on the lawn") to the peremptory ("Private Property. No Advertising"). And yes, she appreciates the irony.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a shared living room/dining space, and a separate breakfast table off my kitchen. However, my formal dining table is always set, but rarely used.

I was always taught to never seat yourselves at a formal set table if the meal is not being served there. Every Christmas, I elaborately decorate this table with fancy china, glassware and fragile decorations, only to have guests pull out a chair and put down their libations, keys, etc.

Is it proper for guests to sit there?

GENTLE READER: Are you under the impression that it is proper to set your table and then sneer at your guests for not realizing that you don't consider them important enough to sit there? What on earth is this display supposed to be for?

Now why they feel it necessary to put their keys on the table is another question. Miss Manners supposes that your inhospitable attitude is sufficiently apparent that they want to be able to make a quick getaway. Merry Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending an alumni event for a debate society that has a dress code requiring men to at least wear a suit and tie of some sort. My wife and a fellow alumni friend say I will be overdressed in a tuxedo.

I say this is a formal anniversary alumni meeting, and while a tuxedo is not required, it is not overdressed. When is wearing a tuxedo a breach of etiquette in a setting where suits are the norm?

GENTLE READER: Violating the dress code is a breach of etiquette, whether you do so with royal robes, pajamas or something in between. If anything, Miss Manners considers overdressing worse than underdressing, as the latter may have the excuse of not having the proper clothes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every Christmas I get cards that are decorated with glitter from some of my friends. The amount ranges from a little to a lot, but whatever the amount, some of it always gets on the table where I open the cards, on objects on the table, on my clothing, on the carpet, and of course on my hands. I try to clean it up as well as I can, but weeks later I still find little bits of glitter here and there in my apartment.

It annoys me so much that I wish it were discouraged by a rule of etiquette and generally thought to be inconsiderate to send someone a card covered with glitter.

I know that's wishful thinking, and I can imagine people exclaiming, "Nobody's going to tell me what kind of cards I can send," but maybe they can be gently encouraged to consider the effects on the recipients of cards with glitter when they're making their choices in the card shop.

GENTLE READER: Yes, it is annoying, but not to the point where Miss Manners accepts your pugilistic hypothetical attitude on the part of the sender ("Nobody is going to tell ME ..."). Rather she imagines their thinking, "Oh. I thought it was pretty."

So while she is happy to pass on your complaint, she is resigned to associating the season with extra duty for the vacuum cleaner.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)