DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wish I had a round table!

My husband has decided that, although such distinctions are "irrelevant and silly rules that nobody cares about," we should seat our most senior or honored guests at the head and foot of our table and always take seats along the side of the table ourselves (unless we have just one female guest, for example, meaning my husband would remain at the head).

I maintain that as long as we're going to observe rules, the position of honor is to the right of the hostess (for a male guest) and to the right of the host (for a female guest), and that we should remain at the head and foot of the table (not least because the foot of the table is closest to the kitchen door, in my case).

He tells me that I am being shallow and should be generous and confident enough to cede the hostess's position at the foot of the table.

GENTLE READER: As well as the hostess duties that take you into the kitchen?

But Miss Manners does not wish to argue this on practical grounds, when it is a matter of tradition rooted in history. That must be what your husband means by "irrelevant and silly rules that nobody cares about" -- except him, apparently.

With the polite modern notion of yielding to guests, it is indeed odd that hosts occupy the dominant positions at dinner. But such has been the case since the medieval "high table," where hosts presided over their guests, in descending order of rank. And that is what people now expect. You could adopt a variation, sitting opposite your husband in the middle of the table, but you would probably confuse those in the ordinary host positions about what is expected of them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a middle-class retired couple with one son, married to a girl we love who is expecting their first child. Their wedding was more extravagant than anyone in our family had ever seen, and although we were not asked to help pay for it, we wrote them a substantial check as a gift.

Now to the baby shower, which daughter-in-law's mother and I are hosting. Once again it will be very extravagant, and I pray I can escape with no more than a $5,000 check for my half of the expense.

Let me just say that her family has several sons who are physicians. Her parents have no fear of becoming destitute; hence, they spend lavishly. As I said, we have one son and don't want to become a burden to him in our old age; hence, we are frugal (aka cheap). While biting my tongue bloody at the cost of the shower, I also know I'm expected to bring an expensive gift. What to buy?

GENTLE READER: A $10,000 baby shower?

You could have an extremely nice vacation for your share, and be back in time for the birth of the baby. And you would be correct, because relatives are not supposed to be the hosts of showers.

Still, this excuse might not go over with your son and daughter-in-law. To them, you owe the explanation that such doings are way beyond your means, and -- without mentioning the comparative riches of the in-laws -- you could only be a guest. In that case, you would bring a present, but one that is in keeping with your spending habits, not with the extravagant expectations of others.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has become common to see adults at the dinner table holding their forks or spoons in their fists, much like a children who are just learning to feed themselves. Am I wrong to find the sight of this off-putting? Does it matter how one holds their fork or spoon?

GENTLE READER: The larger question is: Should it matter?

Miss Manners is thoroughly sick of the fact that when people disparage etiquette -- forgetting how much they hate being treated rudely -- they accuse it of a petty preoccupation with the choice and use of forks. That is only one branch of the vast reach of etiquette, which covers all behavior that affects other people.

But eating rituals, as any anthropologist can attest, are a deeply emotional part of civilization. Sophisticated travelers know that gross violations of other cultures' eating habits are fatal to any welcome for which they might hope.

Oddly, some of the same people who respect foreign rituals are indifferent or even contemptuous of their own. Whom would they offend?

Well, in your case, you -- and many others, even though they do so unawares. So yes, it does matter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow who has been abandoned by my former "couple" friends and am trying to rebuild my life. Several weeks ago I invited two separate, similarly situated women whom I have recently become acquainted with to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my daughter and me. Both of them were noncommittal, and I did not press them for an answer.

I had planned a simple dinner if it was just going to be the two of us, but would have made something more elaborate if we were going to have guests. Two days before Thanksgiving, one of them telephoned to see how I was doing but did not mention Thanksgiving dinner, so I didn't either.

Should I have asked her if she was coming? (It would have been inconvenient to change the menu on such short notice.) Or was it my obligation to follow up with both of them earlier?

There is another holiday coming up soon, and I want to be better prepared when issuing invitations. What could I have done better?

GENTLE READER: Surely it is your targeted guests who could have done better. Much better.

Being noncommittal is not a decent response to an offer of hospitality. Miss Manners does not consider it the host's duty to probe for an answer, but, sadly, that is the only way to get one from rude people. She recommends countering hedging by treating it as the negative response that it really is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is in a public high school where there is large disparity between incomes from some of the poorest to some of the wealthiest in the United States. While this is a known fact of the school, I have recently found myself in the uncomfortable position where women from the wealthy side of the freeway ask me what street we live on, fishing to determine if we live in their "acceptable" area. Their questioning starts with street, continues on to parameters of the neighborhood, old house or rebuilt, and how many updates we've made to the "old" house.

How do I shut this down in the beginning? It's not just friendly chitchat, and they are clearly not being as stealthy as they think they are.

GENTLE READER: "I live within the parameters of the school neighborhood. Aren't we all lucky to be within its borders?"

And then change the subject to how the parents can be further involved in the betterment of the school. Surely, that will be a source of much more material, if not actual interest.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our family is hosting Thanksgiving dinner for family friends. Every year when we meet for Thanksgiving, the mother of one of the families insists we take a walk before the dessert course.

However, as the hosts, my family prefers other options, such as playing board games. Do you think this is our responsibility as hosts to take a walk with her?

GENTLE READER: Surely the traditional division of Thanksgiving guests is those who fall asleep after the meal, those who want to watch television and those who get stuck doing the dishes. Miss Manners wouldn't think that you would have to deal with middle-of-the-meal demands.

And you do not. The hosts need only promise to save a dessert for anyone who wants to go out for a walk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Throughout my career and in my personal life, I have sent handwritten notes/letters to colleagues, friends and relatives to thank them for gifts and kind acts, and to offer congratulations or condolences as circumstances arise.

At a family gathering, I overheard a small group of young adult relatives mocking my habit. They feel it is pretentious of me to send written thanks after having already thanked a relative in person for a birthday or holiday gift, and proclaimed it "creepy" that, after the sudden death of a close relative, I wrote condolence letters to his wife, brother, mother and stepfather.

They are not aware I overheard these remarks, and I have attended subsequent family gatherings without letting on, but their words haunt me, and I feel hurt and embarrassed. Is my practice incorrect? Should I stop sending handwritten thank-you notes and letters of condolence to my relatives?

GENTLE READER: Please tell Miss Manners that you do not really suspect your expressions of gratitude and sympathy of being wrong, on the opinion of people who sneer at graciousness.

Their attitude is common among those who want to justify their own indifference to the feelings of those who are generous or bereaved. You should certainly not allow them to persuade you to be equally coarse.

However, if you have occasion to write to one of the relatives who took part in that conversation, you might open your letter by saying, "I know you may consider it 'creepy' of me to write, but I dearly want to express my sincere gratitude/appreciation ..."

If nothing else, this will instruct them to watch what they say in crowds.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently 14 weeks pregnant. I know I will start to show soon, and a few of my co-workers have already tried to touch my stomach. I have heard horror stories of pregnant women being touched by complete strangers in public.

What is a polite way to explain to a stranger that I don't want my stomach touched in a way that educates them so they don't try touching the next pregnant person they see?

GENTLE READER: Scream.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)