DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young friend who is getting married this fall made an unusual request of me: to officiate at his wedding. I'm not a minister, but he is likely thinking of more like an MC.

I'm extremely flattered. I believe that besides his uncles and father, I'm his only friend of my age. All his other friends are more his age.

My wife says she doesn't approve of such things as being married by unofficial people. She says it demeans the ceremony. But these people are not religious.

What does Miss Manners think?

GENTLE READER: That your wife's objections are understandable, but misplaced.

No doubt your wife's true argument is over you and your friend thinking of a wedding officiant as an MC -- and therefore the ceremony as a sort of roast, rather than a dignified ritual.

Unfortunately, however, a minister is as capable of providing amateurish theatrics as a true amateur. Provided that you keep the ceremony dignified, Miss Manners has no objection to your presiding over it, with whatever authority may be provided to you on the internet.

If you feel that you cannot, then perhaps it is time to call in the professionals, as long as they are likewise vetted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a Southerner who has an accent that goes along with my upbringing. I often come across people who grew up either "up North" or in areas far from the South who often will call attention to my accent.

Sometimes they seem charmed by it, but more often than not, the person in question seems to be making fun of it, and their comments are phrased in a way that is actually more of a put-down.

No one I know from the South would ever think of calling out someone with a Northern accent (considered rude), so I don't understand this.

Can you please recommend a clever way to respond to these patronizing comments?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, thank you" (regardless of the intended nature of the comment); "I'm rather proud of my accent and heritage. Now tell me about your accent and heritage."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a live theater performance last night, when I heard the voice of a young child asking questions during the show. This seems to be the norm these days, and as it costs a fair bit to attend one of these events, I am at a loss as to what to do.

I decided to turn around to see who was talking (though I said nothing and gave no dirty looks), and then it subsided a bit, but this doesn't always work.

I always hope to hear the adult tell the child that they'll answer questions at the intermission, but I never do. What would you do, Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: The same as you, no doubt. Until intermission.

Then she might say to the child, "I wondered about some of your questions myself. Maybe the second half will provide some answers. Shall we watch and see? I know you'll have lots to talk about on the way home." This may be accompanied by a conspiratorial look to the parent that can pleasantly signify the subtext: "So be quiet and see."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this computer age, what is the proper way to send condolences, please? Text and email are immediate, but seem impersonal. Snail mail letters are personal, but delayed.

GENTLE READER: At the risk of being indelicate, Miss Manners points out that speed is not a priority when expressing sympathy for a death. A handwritten letter is both more formal than an email or text and shows more effort -- two things that truly are important.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an enthusiastic board gamer. Most of the games I play are competitive, like chess. This can be as emotional as it is intellectual.

Early on, I noticed a tendency for the winner to immediately extend their hand for a handshake with a lot of enthusiasm before the loser has perhaps even noticed, or processed their loss.

It seems to me to be more appropriate for the loser to extend their hand. I like the idea of being able to show good sportsmanship in the wake of a loss by being the first to congratulate the victor. If I won, I feel I should be satisfied with my victory and not force good sportsmanship onto my opponent, who may just want some time to process.

So, at the end of the match, what's appropriate for the winner to do? The loser? Is it disrespectful for a winner not to extend their hand?

GENTLE READER: Victorious tennis players used to leap the net after the game to shake the loser's hand. The thinking was that victory imposed a greater etiquette burden on the winner to, as it were, "even up the score."

This has since been abandoned in favor of a handshake at the net. Miss Manners accepts either party's making the first move after a victory in any sport, requiring only that both sides perform the ceremony respectfully, omitting the perhaps more heartfelt glare, curse or throwing of sporting equipment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance invited me to a party and specifically requested that I not bring my girlfriend. Evidently, my girlfriend's ex will be at the party, and the host does not want anyone to feel uncomfortable.

I thanked her for the invitation and politely declined, as I have a previous engagement. The next day she sent me a message stating that she doesn't normally operate this way.

Should I respond to the message? If so, how?

GENTLE READER: Your would-be hostess is trying to be gracious in a difficult situation without, unfortunately, succeeding.

It was rude to specify that your girlfriend was not invited, but not knowing you well, she may have feared that an invitation to you alone might be assumed to include any girlfriends, houseguests, poker buddies, and so on.

Miss Manners wonders on what basis she decided that your girlfriend and her ex should not be in the same room, and, specifically, whether a third party -- perhaps the ex -- was involved.

You were perfectly right to decline politely, with or without a prior engagement. If you wish to acknowledge that the hostess had good intentions, then you may reassure her that you perfectly understand and were sorry you were unable to attend.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Your mom mails you a birthday card. She has no way of knowing if the card arrived the day before, the day of, or the day after your birthday. (She is not the mailman.)

She assumes it arrived before or on the day of your birthday. Is she obligated to call you on your birthday, or by virtue of her sending the card, are you now obligated to call and thank her instead?

Basically, it's "I sent the card, so now he needs to call me so I can wish him a happy birthday."

And if you don't call them to say, "Remember it's my birthday" they get miffed.

GENTLE READER: Then call them. ("Them"? How many mothers do you have?)

You cannot seriously expect Miss Manners to come up with a rule about the timing of irascible courtesies. And even if she did, someone who is looking for an insult while in the very act of conferring good wishes is not likely to be satisfied.

A more relevant rule is: If you can placate a difficult relative with a trivial concession, do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance would like me to make his sister a bridesmaid, and I would love to do so as well.

However, my future sister-in-law loves to dye her hair every color of the rainbow and has many large, visible tattoos. While I accept and love that free-spirited part of her personality, I would rather not have colorful hair and tattoos prominent in photos that will last a lifetime, especially as she would be the only member of the wedding party with such features.

Would it be rude to request natural-colored hair and makeup covering her tattoos for the wedding day? How should I phrase this wish? I do not want to erase her individuality, and especially do not want to come off as a bridezilla.

GENTLE READER: But that would be erasing that individuality you profess to accept and love. And a bride who wants to remake others into matching background figures for her wedding album meets the definition of a bridezilla.

Besides, Miss Manners assures you that your photographs will mean more if they represent people as they are. If your future sister-in-law becomes more conventional over the years, any embarrassment over these reminders will be hers. And your friends and possible eventual descendants will be more interested in seeing real people than they would be in the phony, generic look-alike versions you think you want.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance told me that wearing a watch or other timepiece outside of work (social functions, over for dinner, etc.) was rude. "Watches are for work. Time shouldn't matter when you're with friends," she said.

I have never heard of this. I am ashamed to think I may have been unknowingly offending my friends and family by merely wearing a watch. I would never want them to think that I didn't value my time with them. Is this really rude?

GENTLE READER: As your acquaintance and Miss Manners are the only two people still on Earth who remember this rule, you may assume that you have not offended others. Leftover indignation may be directed toward those who check the time or anything else on their cellular telephones when supposedly socializing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)