DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this computer age, what is the proper way to send condolences, please? Text and email are immediate, but seem impersonal. Snail mail letters are personal, but delayed.

GENTLE READER: At the risk of being indelicate, Miss Manners points out that speed is not a priority when expressing sympathy for a death. A handwritten letter is both more formal than an email or text and shows more effort -- two things that truly are important.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an enthusiastic board gamer. Most of the games I play are competitive, like chess. This can be as emotional as it is intellectual.

Early on, I noticed a tendency for the winner to immediately extend their hand for a handshake with a lot of enthusiasm before the loser has perhaps even noticed, or processed their loss.

It seems to me to be more appropriate for the loser to extend their hand. I like the idea of being able to show good sportsmanship in the wake of a loss by being the first to congratulate the victor. If I won, I feel I should be satisfied with my victory and not force good sportsmanship onto my opponent, who may just want some time to process.

So, at the end of the match, what's appropriate for the winner to do? The loser? Is it disrespectful for a winner not to extend their hand?

GENTLE READER: Victorious tennis players used to leap the net after the game to shake the loser's hand. The thinking was that victory imposed a greater etiquette burden on the winner to, as it were, "even up the score."

This has since been abandoned in favor of a handshake at the net. Miss Manners accepts either party's making the first move after a victory in any sport, requiring only that both sides perform the ceremony respectfully, omitting the perhaps more heartfelt glare, curse or throwing of sporting equipment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance invited me to a party and specifically requested that I not bring my girlfriend. Evidently, my girlfriend's ex will be at the party, and the host does not want anyone to feel uncomfortable.

I thanked her for the invitation and politely declined, as I have a previous engagement. The next day she sent me a message stating that she doesn't normally operate this way.

Should I respond to the message? If so, how?

GENTLE READER: Your would-be hostess is trying to be gracious in a difficult situation without, unfortunately, succeeding.

It was rude to specify that your girlfriend was not invited, but not knowing you well, she may have feared that an invitation to you alone might be assumed to include any girlfriends, houseguests, poker buddies, and so on.

Miss Manners wonders on what basis she decided that your girlfriend and her ex should not be in the same room, and, specifically, whether a third party -- perhaps the ex -- was involved.

You were perfectly right to decline politely, with or without a prior engagement. If you wish to acknowledge that the hostess had good intentions, then you may reassure her that you perfectly understand and were sorry you were unable to attend.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Your mom mails you a birthday card. She has no way of knowing if the card arrived the day before, the day of, or the day after your birthday. (She is not the mailman.)

She assumes it arrived before or on the day of your birthday. Is she obligated to call you on your birthday, or by virtue of her sending the card, are you now obligated to call and thank her instead?

Basically, it's "I sent the card, so now he needs to call me so I can wish him a happy birthday."

And if you don't call them to say, "Remember it's my birthday" they get miffed.

GENTLE READER: Then call them. ("Them"? How many mothers do you have?)

You cannot seriously expect Miss Manners to come up with a rule about the timing of irascible courtesies. And even if she did, someone who is looking for an insult while in the very act of conferring good wishes is not likely to be satisfied.

A more relevant rule is: If you can placate a difficult relative with a trivial concession, do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance would like me to make his sister a bridesmaid, and I would love to do so as well.

However, my future sister-in-law loves to dye her hair every color of the rainbow and has many large, visible tattoos. While I accept and love that free-spirited part of her personality, I would rather not have colorful hair and tattoos prominent in photos that will last a lifetime, especially as she would be the only member of the wedding party with such features.

Would it be rude to request natural-colored hair and makeup covering her tattoos for the wedding day? How should I phrase this wish? I do not want to erase her individuality, and especially do not want to come off as a bridezilla.

GENTLE READER: But that would be erasing that individuality you profess to accept and love. And a bride who wants to remake others into matching background figures for her wedding album meets the definition of a bridezilla.

Besides, Miss Manners assures you that your photographs will mean more if they represent people as they are. If your future sister-in-law becomes more conventional over the years, any embarrassment over these reminders will be hers. And your friends and possible eventual descendants will be more interested in seeing real people than they would be in the phony, generic look-alike versions you think you want.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance told me that wearing a watch or other timepiece outside of work (social functions, over for dinner, etc.) was rude. "Watches are for work. Time shouldn't matter when you're with friends," she said.

I have never heard of this. I am ashamed to think I may have been unknowingly offending my friends and family by merely wearing a watch. I would never want them to think that I didn't value my time with them. Is this really rude?

GENTLE READER: As your acquaintance and Miss Manners are the only two people still on Earth who remember this rule, you may assume that you have not offended others. Leftover indignation may be directed toward those who check the time or anything else on their cellular telephones when supposedly socializing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my son's upcoming birthday party, we will be inviting his class and baseball team, as well as a few cousins. He has lots of toys already and doesn't really need any more.

I know asking for cash, or any gift for that matter, is tacky, but since it is customary for people to bring gifts, I thought it would be convenient for us and cheaper for the guests to just give him a $5 bill instead of a toy that would not be used. The money would go into his piggy bank.

Not sure how to word this, though, without sounding awful. Please help. I don't want to offend anyone, but it would be cheaper than an unused $20 toy that we don't have room for.

GENTLE READER: It would also be cheaper for you not to have a party at all. After all, your son has probably had a lot of them already.

Miss Manners finds that practicality does not factor heavily into the rite of passage that is celebrating children's birthdays. However, handing over a fiver as a price of admission seems particularly insulting and takes any small pleasure from the guest in choosing a present.

That is why it sounds awful, even to you. When you have too much of something, the kindly thing is to think of giving things to people who don't have such problems.

But return the toys and keep the money if you must. For goodness' sake, just don't ask for an admissions fee up front, or inform your guests of your intentions -- much less your motivation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I used to work at a local farmers market, and one day my boss had me at the front of the stall handing out strawberry samples. One lady I offered a sample to declined, citing an allergy.

In response, I sort of flubbed a quick "Oh, I'm sorry about that," which I regretted saying the moment the words left my mouth. I'm vegetarian, and it always irritates me when people with no experience with vegetarianism pass judgment and sometimes say straight to my face that I must be living less of a life. I'm not "missing" anything, just living differently.

I certainly wouldn't have appreciated it if the words I spoke to that lady had been spoken to me. What could I have said instead?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you are overthinking this? How long ago did it happen, and do you imagine that the lady is brooding about it?

Presumably you were sorry that you mistakenly offered the lady a strawberry, not that you attacked her lifestyle as inferior.

Miss Manners understands your good intentions and appreciates them, but a simple, "I'm sorry. Perhaps we have something else that you might be able to try" would have sufficed.

She further notes that however noble the justification, there is a difference between choosing to be a vegetarian and being born with an allergy. Miss Manners is not suggesting that anyone apologize for either situation, just that you not confuse them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)