DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am annoyed when people board a public bus and begin to whistle. When asked to stop because it hurts my ears, they usually become even more rude and say I am just old and crabby and making this up.

This kind of shrill noise seems to bother me more than it ever used to when I was younger, and I think it has something to do with ringing in the ears (tinnitis), which I also get sometimes. I wonder if it has anything to do with diminishing connective tissue (bone to bone because padding is diminishing?).

GENTLE READER: Not being a doctor, Miss Manners cannot comment on your connective tissue. She can comment on your attempts to ride the bus in peace.

Medical excuses invite medical arguments. It would be far better to smile sweetly and ask your seatmate, as a kindness, if he would mind terribly not whistling.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am with a friend or acquaintance and learn of the passing of a close family member or friend to that person, I am unsure how to respond.

I believe that saying "I'm sorry" in any form is wrong. Even "I'm sorry to hear of your loss," or phrases of that nature seem to strike the wrong chord. Yet I want very much to express my sympathy in a familiar, non-formal, heartfelt way. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: The desire to be familiar, non-formal and heartfelt in expressing condolences is one Miss Manners has heard before. She is grateful you did not also ask to be original.

Being "heartfelt" is a matter of tone and bearing more than of words, and it is hard to imagine a more familiar interaction than expressing sorrow over the death of a loved one.

Why you wish to be informal, Miss Manners cannot fathom. The reason there are a small number of well-worn phrases to express your sympathy in such cases is so that you will avoid the temptation, in an emotional moment, to chose one of the large number of unintentionally hurtful phrases (such as "It was for the best," "You'll work through this," and even "You'll have other children") that purport to comfort, but actually belittle the grief.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A recent family bridal shower at a lovely restaurant unfortunately deteriorated to the verge of a total meltdown in terms of non-performance by the catering staff.

The hostess and mother of the bride leapt into action, seeing to the needs of their guests and also entreated the maid of honor to help by offering punch to the by-now parched guests.

She flatly refused, stating this was servants' work. What say you, dear mentor?

GENTLE READER: That it is too bad the bride did not choose a maid of honor who had a sense of honor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The museum I work for is having what they call a "gala." They are sending invitations to the event, but charging for the admissions, and there will be a cash bar.

Is that appropriate?? The museum does not need the money. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: A museum that does not need money? Miss Manners' head is reeling. She gathers that you do not work in its financial office.

It is certainly true that business and social customs have become dreadfully mixed, to the detriment of both realms. Work often requires compulsory pseudo-socializing, such as birthday parties and after-hours drinking, while private life can come with demands for direct contributions from guests, whether in food or cash.

But what you describe is at least a frank fundraiser, unlike, for example, a wedding that pretends to be purely social and yet asks the guests to contribute money to something like a "honeymoon fund."

In contrast to an invitation from friends or relatives that turns out to have a price tag, the gala offers a straight deal. Those who buy tickets are not fooled into thinking they are being invited out of friendship. They know that they are paying, as well as making a contribution to the museum, in return for an evening out.

So the comparison should be more like that of a restaurant or club, where people understand that they may or may not choose to pay to be entertained.

Still, there are other dangers here that Miss Manners can imagine would occur when the distinction between business and society is obfuscated:

Supporters of the museum may push their social contacts to buy tickets. But such pressure is an unfortunate fact of modern life, and must be resisted. In any case, the mere existence of the paid gala is not to blame.

Or perhaps you feel pressured by your employers to buy tickets. In that case, you might make a counteroffer of being on-site staff for the event. You could also ask your employers for a raise so that you could afford to buy such entertainment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is the appropriate time to thank someone for a gift they sent in advance of an event?

I have several long-distance friends who sent wedding gifts two months before the wedding. I've thanked them over email and acknowledged their generous gift.

I am waiting to send them a formal thank-you card, the kind with our picture on it, from the wedding. We bought this package from the photographer, but obviously the event hasn't happened yet so we haven't chosen a photo.

Should I send them a regular thank-you note now, and the formal one after the wedding? What about guests who sent a gift in advance who told us they could not attend? Should they be thanked twice? I suppose it never hurts to be overly thankful.

GENTLE READER: It is touching to know how eager bridal couples believe their guests are to receive their wedding portraits. Miss Manners can assure you that they are much more anxious to know that their presents arrived and were duly appreciated.

You certainly can thank people as often as you like. But the correct response to such a formal present is an immediate handwritten letter when it arrives. After that, you may send out as many emails and photographs as you like.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend surprised me with a book as a gift. As it happened, I already owned a copy of that book, and had read and enjoyed it.

This book was not a best-seller -- far from it -- and my friend could not have expected that. So I laughed at the coincidence and told him the whole truth.

He looked a little chagrined, so I did my best to soften the blow. I praised the gift lavishly -- it really was an excellent book -- and I praised him for knowing the exact kind of book I would like. But I didn't see any point in owning two copies, so I didn't take it. ("Refused" sounds like such a harsh word!) I left it with him (we were at his house at the time) and recommended he keep it and read it himself, or give it to someone else.

By the way, it was not my birthday or any other special occasion. I wasn't expecting a gift at all. I think he just happened to run across a book that was "right up my alley," so to speak, and decided to buy it for me.

Looking back on it, I wonder if I should have accepted the book. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: That you won't be receiving more gifts from this gentleman any time soon.

Yes, Miss Manners confirms your better instinct, that you should have accepted the book. The "whole truth" in reaction to receiving a gift is rarely necessary. The polite thing to do would have been to thank him profusely for his thoughtfulness, say that you know about how good the book is, and then change the subject.

If he directly asks you if you have read it, then you can confess, but even then, you needn't confess voluntarily to owning a copy. As he did not ask, it is up to your discretion to figure out what to do with the second copy, not his.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the party for my seventh birthday was planned, my mother cautioned me that since I had not invited everyone in my class, I was not to discuss the party at school. I could see the sense of this.

Now that I'm an adult, however, two different friends have regaled me with plans for future events with no invitation offered.

I have two questions -- is my mother's instruction now outdated? And how should I behave if this happens again?

GENTLE READER: Your mother's instruction is certainly not outdated -- nor is the impeccable child-rearing she did. Miss Manners commends you both.

If your friends tell you about events to which you are not invited, you may say, "That sounds like fun. I hope your guests enjoy it."

Sadly, this lesson has been lost on the generation that posts their parties on social media and then wonders why their friends get insulted. Clearly they do not have mothers as wise as yours.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)