Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in Florida near the beach. How do I handle a guest who sits on my furniture with suntan oil or a wet swimsuit?

This is our home, not a hotel, and we want to keep our furniture nice. It is amazing how many people actually do this.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but while Miss Manners has a certain sympathy for your situation, she cannot allow you to declare a public preference for furniture over the comfort of your guest. This is what got us into the great Shoe vs. Flooring debacle of this generation -- and you are not going to get Miss Manners to budge on that.

"Oh, let me put a towel down so that you don't get stuck to the seat" would be the polite deterrent. And while perhaps not strictly accurate, it should be enough of an indication of what you're truly protecting for your guest to understand that there is a problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to give a standing ovation for a person's birthday party as they enter a room?

GENTLE READER: Did the birthday person just sing an aria?

Standing ovations are reserved for accomplishments. And while reaching a certain age may well be considered one, Miss Manners believes that life achievements -- not the achievement of life -- should be the only cause for such accolades.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are both women, and we live in a fairly accepting area. However, when we take trips or go to the suburbs, we sometimes run into (subtle or not) rude anti-LGBT behavior; this happens regardless of our level of PDA. We often speak in affectionate terms, hug and hold hands, but rarely kiss in public.

For instance, when we are in restaurants, people sometimes glare at us, ask to change tables, or make side comments to their dining companions about us. One that came up recently was when an older man and woman were seated near us, and the man grumbled, loud enough for me to hear, "I can't believe we have to sit next to them!"

I didn't know whether to ignore him or snap "Likewise!" One of my friends thinks that I should tell people like this that they are rude and that anti-LGBT opinions are on the way out because they are often held by older people.

We have started to talk more noticeably about our marriage and life together, and show more affection, when we run into this rudeness. I know it's not a very mature "comeback," but sometimes I get really tired of pretending to ignore the hostility. It's hard to avoid all conservative areas, since my in-laws live in a red state and can't travel to see us. Do you have any ideas for responding in a classy way?

GENTLE READER: Immature or not, Miss Manners finds your comeback acceptable if quietly stated, rather than snapped -- and better than waging a fruitless debate with bigoted strangers. Also, a lot more fun.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have started wearing a hearing aid, which has raised some new etiquette challenges. I use an app on my phone to control the way the hearing aid processes sound -- for example, adjusting for loud environments or traffic noises.

Talking to others almost always involves changing the settings on my phone. With friends, I usually tell them what I'm doing, but what about in a meeting, when there are, say, eight people in the room?

I don't want to look like one of those people who are checking email when they should be listening, but I need to use the phone to adjust the hearing aid at the start of the meeting. Can I just do this as quickly as possible and put the phone away, or do I need to explain what I'm up to?

GENTLE READER: Be careful about chastising that rude person checking email, as he will angrily tell you that he is waiting for important test results, or news about a dying loved one, or is comforting a depressed friend. Everyone has a medical excuse for everything.

You differ both in having a legitimate one and, of equal interest to Miss Manners, still being concerned that you are not being rude to others. Make your adjustment as the meeting begins -- without explanation -- and then quickly and deliberately put away the phone. Everyone will think, incorrectly, that you were doing the politest thing of all: turning it off so that you can pay attention to the speaker.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering what your take is about the occasional news reader, on air, speaking of President Obama as Mr. Obama. It always seems to me to be a case of disrespect.

GENTLE READER: Actually, "Mr." is a term of respect in America, and one that is used correctly as direct formal address to a president of the United States: "Mr. President."

In setting this precedent, the idea was simple dignity, befitting a republic, in contrast to the grandiose titles of royalty and nobility.

However, even that is not simple enough for many politicians, who may encourage the use of their first names and nicknames. That is going too far for Miss Manners' taste, but she cannot call the term "Mr." disrespectful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a paraprofessional in a classroom. The teacher I work with has been very nasty to me and the other assistant in the classroom. She has been spoken to on many occasions by a supervisor, but continues to be rude.

She is retiring and did not even tell us. We heard it through the grapevine. Are we obligated to give a retirement party, or should we attend if one is planned for her?

GENTLE READER: As you are neither her supervisor nor her friend, you are not obliged to throw a retirement party. But not attending the retirement party of a close professional colleague is a deliberate slight. Miss Manners has no objection to your claiming to be unaware of the news until told officially, but she doubts this will extend all the way to the party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it my imagination, or is it the popular thing these days for some people to start off their hate-filled rants by bashing political correctness AND THEN spew forth all manner of racism and misogyny and sexism and ageism!

How is one to deal with this venom? I agree with the idea that people should be careful not to use language or behave in a way that could offend a particular group of people. Does having good manners require me to sit quietly and say nothing?

GENTLE READER: No: You should run.

Miss Manners is adding denouncing political correctness to her list of conversational prefaces from which no good ever follows. Others include, "Do you want me to be perfectly honest with you?" and, "Would you like some constructive criticism?"

When people announce that they plan to abandon the rules of civilized discourse, they should be taken seriously. The response should be, "Well, if you are in favor of being offensive, I'd rather not hear more."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who is responsible for indicating that they want to end a telephone conversation with the other party? I am told by the party involved that I am not listening to the "hints" being given. I am not a mind reader.

GENTLE READER: Then Miss Manners suggests listening for such remarks as:

"It was good to talk to you."

"We must get together one of these days."

"Oops, I'd better find out what that noise was."

And of course, that classic standby, "I think I hear my mother calling me to dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At an outing, I verbally invited a friend to a Fourth of July party to which I already had invited several other people. She accepted but asked to bring the two teenage sons of her ex-husband, as he was busy that day.

I responded that I did not have enough chairs/space to accommodate three more people. She said then she was going to plan some other activity with the boys.

A week later, she told me that I had behaved in an unacceptable fashion, and she wished to sever contact for the foreseeable future.

Was I completely unreasonable? It was not the nicest thing to do, I realize, but space was really the issue.

GENTLE READER: Isn't there a more basic issue here? One that Miss Manners fears that you are too diffident to mention?

It is that you are the hostess: It is your party, and you get to set the guest list. And while you may wish to be flexible, you do not have to be defensive about your limits. It is enough to say that you are so sorry not to be able to meet their proposed extras on this occasion, but hope that some other time will present itself. (In this case, that would have been spreading graciousness over your friend's obvious motive of keeping the teenagers occupied, rather than adding interesting people to your party.)

The proper way for a prospective guest to ask to bring someone is to decline the invitation on the grounds of having to entertain her or his own guest. That gives the host the choice of inviting that person, or simply expressing regret that the invitation was declined.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)