DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we are traveling and visit with friends or relatives, we always go out for dinner one night. We always pay as part of our thanks for staying at their house. When they come to visit us and we do dinner out one evening, we again pay, as we feel they are our guests.

No one even offers to pay either way. Seems we are always footing the bill for dinner. Who should pay and when? How do we get out of it?

GENTLE READER: The host always pays, but the question is, who is the host? Is the dinner out an extension of the invitation to stay over, or is it a way of thanking the house host and giving him/her a night off?

Miss Manners recommends not stepping outside until you know the answer.

Dessert, as you have discovered, is far too late. If you are issuing the invitation, you are the host. If your house guest suggests a night out, you can say that is so kind, and that they really do not need to take you out -- you can eat at home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a registered nurse and work in an ER setting. Very often a patient will ask polite questions about me that can be difficult to answer. You see, I am lesbian.

If a patient asks if I am married or about my husband in a nice way, I am at a loss. If I "come out" to a stranger, the results can be unpredictably uncomfortable.

Sometimes the patient becomes indignant and wants another nurse, which is very hard to arrange. A patient might feel that I would not take good care of them if they express distaste about my being gay. How can I politely deflect these questions?

GENTLE READER: "Now, now, we're not here to talk about me. We're here to take care of you."

Miss Manners notes that you are in a rare position where nosy questions are not only condoned, but required. But they must be from you to your patient, and about whatever prompted that visit to the hospital.

Deflecting personal chatter in the interest of solving the immediate problem is a skill that all professional people need, regardless of the nature of their private lives, but it should be particularly observed in an emergency room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is throwing a baby shower for my daughter. Invitations were sent to several of my co-workers with a request for an RSVP and a deadline.

My co-workers haven't responded, and I am being asked to find out if they will be attending. Although not answering the RSVP is a faux pas, is being asked to find out who is coming rude?

GENTLE READER: So long as your sister-in-law is asking you for help because you know your co-workers and see them regularly, she is not being rude. Miss Manners does, however, require that she not make explicit the fact that you are being asked to make up for a manners deficiency on the part of your invitees.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Prior to a weekend at a friend's vacation home with several other guests, our hostess sent word that we should plan on some time in the hot tub.

When the time came to jump in, I politely declined and said that I would sit nearby and enjoy their company from outside the hot tub.

My hostess would not leave me alone. She badgered me to join in. For other hostesses who won't take no for an answer, I want to share some reasons people do not want to get in the hot tub.

(1) I am currently in the middle of a herpes episode and don't want to expose everyone else.

(2) I recently had surgery and have a drainage tube in my stomach.

(3) I am a bit of a germaphobe and don't want to sit in a swirling tepid pool of your sweat and shedding dead skin.

(4) I am incontinent and have to wear a diaper.

Hopefully, a future host or hostess will read this and will understand that when a guest says, "No thanks," the proper reply is, "I understand; however, if you change your mind we would love to have you join us."

GENTLE READER: Just a minute, please, while Miss Manners collects herself. She has much too vivid a picture of the other guests frantically splashing their way out of the tub as you recite this list.

Not that you would do so, of course. But it is a powerful argument against the faux hospitality -- actually rudeness -- of badgering one's guests.

However, you are not blameless here. The hostess told you in advance that a sojourn in the hot tub was part of her plan. That is the moment in which you should have said, "Would it be all right if I sat that out?"

Had she begun haranguing you then, you could have said, "I don't want to spoil the weekend, so perhaps we had better get together another time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today's etiquette is changing. If I remember correctly, in "the olden days" ladies were not expected to remove their hats during the presentation of our flag and/or the singing of our national anthem.

Although I am a "modern woman," the old ways remain a part of my life (e.g., I anticipate a gentleman will open the door for me). As a consequence, I did not remove my ball cap for the singing of "The Star-Spangled Banner" at a recent baseball game.

I was criticized for my disrespect. I do not disrespect the flag or my country. I told the others I would inquire about the current standard.

GENTLE READER: In those olden days, as Miss Manners recalls, ladies did not wear baseball caps.

If you had been wearing a large confection decorated with flowers and birds, you might have invoked that rule -- only to fall afoul of the one against blocking the view of those behind you. A unisex hat should be removed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are each psychologists. Not infrequently, when new people meet us for the first time in social settings, they say something along the lines of, "Whoa, I better be careful around you ... are you analyzing me?"

We are not the ones who initiate this career talk. I typically try to put them at ease by a lighthearted comment along the lines of, "Oh don't worry, thankfully I'm off the clock right now."

We don't like the feeling of being put on the defensive so soon into a new encounter, nor the assumptions it makes about an intrusive -- rather than a helpful -- intention in our professional work. And so we would appreciate any suggestions about how to approach these comments that seem to stifle, rather than open, a friendly dialogue with new people.

GENTLE READER: Oh, the many times that Miss Manners' own enthusiasm for new acquaintances has been deflated by their saying that they had better "watch their manners" in front of her, rather than engage in actual conversation.

In her case, these tedious quips miss the point entirely: that the biggest breach of etiquette would be to point out bad manners at a social occasion. Just as you would never analyze and assess someone without a formal agreement, Miss Manners saves her behavioral critiques for when she is asked politely in writing.

She encourages you to continue as you have, perhaps adding -- as she has -- that you wouldn't dream of conflating professional assessments with social conversation. You might accompany this reply with a progressively weaker smile if the tactic is pursued.

Unfortunately, every profession is burdened with similar awkward exchanges and demands (doctors are asked medical advice, actors are called upon to act). So on all of our behalves, Miss Manners heartily thanks you for the opportunity to express the limited charm of such remarks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were just invited, one week before the event, via social media, with no details, to our niece's 3-month-old son's baptism.

We were never contacted about the birth, but saw on social media that she had a son. No other details have been provided, and we never received even so much as a telephone call from her or her parents.

What gift, if any, is appropriate? We are always excited about a new baby no matter what the circumstance, but we are in a bit of a quandary. And, do we reply by social media?

GENTLE READER: You may, but Miss Manners would advise you to contact the parents or the new mother herself to send your best wishes. At that time, you can ask if there is anything the new parents might need, although a present is optional.

Even if you feel affronted -- as well you might -- any real future communication will clearly have to be initiated by you. In this age where communication is universal, but not personal, it is up to the polite few to model good behavior and forge actual connections. Particularly if you want to meet this baby before he is able to send the social media notices himself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)