DEAR MISS MANNERS: A family member wants to throw a housewarming party for me at HER house to celebrate my new home that is being built. Is this appropriate?

GENTLE READER: It was always Miss Manners' belief that one threw a housewarming party to welcome a few intimate friends to see the new house. As that house will not be able to attend, what is the purpose of the party?

She hopes the answer is not "Presents!" which are properly incidental and absolutely not required. The only events at which the guest of honor is not expected to participate are baby showers and funerals.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepchildren were dropped at our house and sent in with fast food to eat. As there are other children in the household, and as I was raised if you don't have enough for everyone, you don't take it, I sent their mother the following message:

"In the future, please do not send fast food in with the kids. It is very disrespectful to the other kids that live in this house and are limited on the amount of fast food they are allowed."

This message then lead to a verbal confrontation, as she states that I have no right to tell her what her kids can or cannot bring into the house, and that the only one who was rude was me for sending her a message like that. I explained that I will stand up for my children whenever necessary and will not have them being disrespected in their own home.

We try to keep a level playing field in our home for all of the children, but it has been quite difficult. The animosity between the children due to repeated situations comparable to this are making it even more difficult.

Was she in the wrong, or was I, or were both of us?

GENTLE READER: Shared custody is challenging when the parties have already agreed that they no longer wish to share -- that, in fact, the only remaining solution is separate households. But then, that separation should be treated with dignity and the recognition that each parent (or stepparent) is free, within reason, to set rules under each separate roof.

Your dealing with the children's mother may reflect a wish not to put the children in the middle, although the high-horse talk about disrespect -- instead of merely asking if the children could finish their snacks beforehand -- was bound to be taken as a challenge.

The rules in their mother's house allow fast food; those in yours do not. Once you make this clear to the children themselves without insulting their mother, Miss Manners assures you they will figure out on their own how to use the 50 feet from the car to your door to avoid having their fast food end up in the trash can.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to have a female pallbearer?

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners keeps pointing out about bridal attendants, the important factor is not gender but the tie to the person being attended. So, yes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think someone once said, "I have plenty of friends I don't particularly like," but I am lucky to have only one.

When invited for dinner or other occasions to people's homes, this friend sends a string of photos, complete with texted descriptions and subtitles, from his cellphone to mine.

"Just look at this house!" he exclaims. "Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?" Then, I receive a series of photos of the exterior, the public and private rooms of the house, and even photos of the hosts themselves!

In a recent episode, it was obvious that the hosts were completely unaware that they were being photographed. This occurred while they were preparing dinner, serving wine and talking to other guests in a large, open-plan kitchen.

I wonder what these hosts might have thought, had they known that pictures were being sent to a person they have never met.

It continued in this fashion for part of the evening. "These people," he stated, referring to the other guests, "are all millionaires!" And this was the subtext of yet another series of photos. "They are so rich, they spend part of the year in Europe!"

He also sent a photo of his new car in the owner's paver-system driveway to somehow validate the point that he was in his element.

It seems to me that there are several etiquette violations taking place, but I don't want to violate Miss Manners' rule that I should avoid pointing them out. I have tried all the obvious ways of discouraging this practice, including simply asking him to stop.

Unfortunately, he is aware that I have unlimited service to send or receive photos and text messages. Blocking is not an option. My plea has fallen on deaf ears. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Not inviting this person to your house -- and deleting all his communications without looking at them or responding.

But yours is not the chief problem Miss Manners sees here. It is those innocent people whose privacy is being invaded by a rude guest who worry her. Even if they consented to being photographed for distribution, commenting on their means would be rude.

If she were not leery of adding to this distasteful gossip mill, she would be tempted to forward the material to the victims without comment, so that they could handle the situation if they chose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any social gathering large enough to render the use of a cellphone, e-reader, or even a printed book or magazine acceptable? I have the interests of the wallflower in mind.

If no one is clamoring to converse with a particular guest (who is, perhaps, accompanying a spouse), might he or she as well settle down for some light reading?

GENTLE READER: Only if the wallflower's hope is to remain a wallflower, and a conspicuous burden to the spouse. And in that case, Miss Manners wonders, why bother going out to social events?

Guests, as well as hosts, are obligated to help make a party work. And a party in which people stood around waiting for others to clamor for their attention would be pretty dismal. Wallflowers should be out gathering other wallflowers in the interest of making a bouquet.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year my best friend, who lives out of town, gave me a kitchen gadget for a birthday gift. I appreciated it, but it was something I didn't want or need and was just taking up space in my kitchen. I eventually got rid of it.

Recently, she spent the night at my home during a weekend visit and wanted to prepare breakfast as a way of thanking me for hosting her. In the middle of cooking, she asked where the gadget was so she could use it.

I came up with some pathetic excuse about leaving it at my mother's house. We all know where liars go, so can you please give me a better answer than the story I came up with?

GENTLE READER: Where? Where do they go? Miss Manners is no theologian, but she believes that it cannot be a place far from the people who use "I'm just being honest" as an excuse to hurt others' feelings.

Blunt honesty is not always the highest moral policy. Besides, saying that you left the item at someone's house isn't necessarily untrue. If you gave it to charity or even threw it away, who knows where it ended up?

If your friend asks again, tell her that you didn't have the heart to take it back. Just don't be shocked if you or your mother receives a replacement. And while it sounds like your friend's inquiry was perfectly innocent (and not meant to be checking up on you), it is generally considered rude to inquire after a present you have been given, just for this reason.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A new but good friend invited me to vacation with her at the beach for a low cost. It was just one room, and I warned my friend that I would need time to myself. I am an introvert and my friend is an extrovert.

Well, she never left me alone. She chatted day and night, and, because she was so pushy at getting her way on just about everything, we had a couple of pretty bad arguments.

She mentioned a later vacation, and I said I didn't want to go. She replied, "Good, because maybe you won't be invited."

Today I received a voicemail from her inviting me to go to Jamaica for a week at a low cost. I'd love to go, but just not with her. I also can't afford it, even at the low price. How can I keep her friendship, but tell her no, I don't want to go?

GENTLE READER: Well, you cannot have her pay for the vacation without including her, if that is what you are thinking. That is an even faster way of destroying the friendship than going with her or not going at all.

Forgive Miss Manners for thinking the worst, but you did plant the idea. "I'm so sorry, but I just can't" is what you should say. No excuses are necessary, but if she presses for a reason, you can mention work or it being a bad time, as long as you do not mention money, except to characterize her invitation as extremely generous.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)