DEAR MISS MANNERS: We just received an invitation for an ice cream social event that asked us to RSVP. For me, this is a no-brainer: Call and say we are going or not going. My husband disagrees, saying we should only tell them if we plan to attend.

Have the "rules" changed and RSVP now means "Respond only if you are going to attend"? Some invitations say "Regrets only," but this one did not. Help!

I'm particularly sensitive to not being rude in today's environment. We were always taught to respond either in writing or on the telephone to any RSVP. Although I've responded the last two years, this discussion only ensued when I tried to delegate the task to my husband.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you should take it back. He seems to imagine that the Etiquette Council met and decided that it is now all right to snub people whose only crime is to offer to entertain you, and that hosts should be kept guessing about whether or not they can expect guests.

Miss Manners asks you to inform him that such a basic courtesy as responding to invitations will never change. Perhaps what you should do is put him in charge of organizing a gathering, so that he can experience what it is like to be left wondering.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: None of my daughter's varsity tennis teammates will talk to her since she beat them to earn the No. 2 spot. She tries to join their conversations, but they ignore her attempts or say, "It's a private joke."

When one girl said her parent could drive to a tournament, she pointed to three other girls and said they could ride with her, leaving out my daughter. My daughter is ready to quit the team -- and she hasn't even played her first match yet.

GENTLE READER: Among the virtues that school sports are thought to promote is good sportsmanship. Clearly this is not always the case.

But you can teach this to your daughter, under these unpleasant circumstances, by suggesting that she return her teammates' rudeness with friendliness and patience. Perhaps you could initiate an event for the whole team, as a demonstration of inclusiveness.

Miss Manners recommends including the parents in this outreach effort. Being older, they may be more embarrassed at showing any jealousy and can therefore be enlisted in your effort to provide a positive role model. In any case, the coach can and should be informed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unfortunately, I became aware of very nasty gossip spoken by my sister about my adult daughter. Do I let her know how devastated and hurt we are, or do I ignore it?

Up until this problem, we were fairly close, and she has never said one bad word about my daughter in the past.

GENTLE READER: And perhaps she has not yet. You do not say how you became "aware" of this, but Miss Manners should not have to warn you about the unreliability of transmitted gossip.

In any case, that is what you should assume. Then you can express your outrage to your sister that anyone would think that she would slander her niece.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find helpful, tactful solutions in your column almost without exception. So, it is difficult to overcome a feeling of insubordination to ask you to consider an adjustment to the following social habit.

You often suggest the preface "I'm sorry ..." before a mild social correction, as in, "I'm sorry, but it was you who called me ..."

My immediate reaction to the "I'm sorry" preface is to abort the listening process with a mental response of "No, you're not," and I don't think I'm alone here. The phrase is almost always insincere. Very rarely is it used in pre-emptive regret or to soften the presumption of correcting the unappreciative.

More often, it conveys the eye-rolling, musically undulating, sarcastic "Sorry!" of a child's first forays into the art of passive aggression. The greater the authority of the advice-giver, the greater this effect. An authority on etiquette such as yourself apologizing for dispensing advice on behavior is immediately suspect.

Because of its effect, I think the prefix is counterproductive. One cannot absorb what one resents and tunes out. Risking a response of immediate resentfulness seems antithetical to the goal of good manners.

So, am I missing the point with a guy's preference for directness over propriety? Or does the phrase cross the boundary between etiquette and smarm -- "all due respect" style?

GENTLE READER: Take a look at the opening paragraph of your letter. Gentle Readers often begin with some such deferential compliment, which Miss Manners appreciates, although she does not ordinarily share that part of letters with other readers.

Are such words meant literally? Does she believe that you have qualms about asking a question of someone who is in the business of answering them?

Of course not. You are merely adding a touch of grace to your letter. This need not be analyzed in terms of deep emotional sincerity.

Besides, "sorry" does not always mean that one is apologizing for oneself. Miss Manners assures you that she is sincerely sorry to find people behaving in such a way that forces her to correct them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are 70 years old and married for three years. Both of us were widowed before we met and married. I am from the Midwest, and he is a Carolinian his entire life. A real Southern gentleman.

My problem is that I am becoming annoyed that at church and restaurants, he will always put me first, which is correct, but when I turn around he is not there -- he has let another lady in front of him, or he's held the door for another woman, and he is chatting with them and I'm on my own.

What is the proper etiquette? After he opens my door and allows me to go first, is it necessary for him to be the gentleman for every other single woman? I am becoming jealous, and it is really starting to aggravate me.

GENTLE READER: So you want him to be less of a gentleman? Miss Manners warns you to be careful about what you wish.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is my obligation to reply to unsolicited business contacts? I recently received a second email from a person who wishes to sell me something. I ignored his first message, but his second was personalized and suggested that we meet (presumably in my office) at a specific time and date. I have no interest, and in any case will be busy then.

Should I politely respond that I do not wish to use his product? Or is it acceptable to merely continue ignoring his requests and those like it?

GENTLE READER: You are under no obligation to respond to commercial solicitations. These are not your friends, no matter how familiarly they address you ("Hi, Bob! Can we talk insurance for a minute?").

However, if you wish to put an end to these requests, it might be wise to say, "I'm sorry, but my company and I are not interested in your product. Please take us off of your contact list." Miss Manners does not guarantee results.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my housemates constantly keeps napping in the living room, usually when I am still in it.

His justification is that "it's a common room." But mine is, "Napping is an activity that takes the commonality out of the common room, and there are other rooms for napping." Is this considered inconsiderate to me, or am I just being too territorial?

GENTLE READER: Your housemate's ownership of the room is equal to your own, Miss Manners is afraid. But this also means that, without being provocatively inconsiderate, you need not refrain from using that room as well. And yes, watching television might be one of those things. If the noise bothers him, you may then say, "Perhaps you would like to nap in another room where you can have more privacy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The couple next door, with whom I have begun to build a good relationship, went on an overseas vacation and asked one of their friends to house-sit for two weeks.

Today, I noticed four other cars parked in front of their house. From the chatter over the fence, I could hear that the house sitter had invited a small group of people to the house for a gathering.

I do not know if my neighbors gave the house sitter permission to invite guests. When my neighbors return, how can I delicately broach the subject without sounding accusatory toward the house sitter, but in a way that would make my neighbor aware of what happened?

GENTLE READER: Were they causing a neighborhood disturbance? Other than commanding your attention to watch, Miss Manners means.

You do not know if the arrangement allowed the house sitter to entertain. If you feel you must speak up, Miss Manners will allow you to say something like, "How wonderful to have friends whom you can trust. They were so considerate when they threw their party at your house last week. We hardly heard a peep."

If your neighbors balk, you can look shocked saying, "Oh, dear. I just assumed that you knew."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)