DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find helpful, tactful solutions in your column almost without exception. So, it is difficult to overcome a feeling of insubordination to ask you to consider an adjustment to the following social habit.

You often suggest the preface "I'm sorry ..." before a mild social correction, as in, "I'm sorry, but it was you who called me ..."

My immediate reaction to the "I'm sorry" preface is to abort the listening process with a mental response of "No, you're not," and I don't think I'm alone here. The phrase is almost always insincere. Very rarely is it used in pre-emptive regret or to soften the presumption of correcting the unappreciative.

More often, it conveys the eye-rolling, musically undulating, sarcastic "Sorry!" of a child's first forays into the art of passive aggression. The greater the authority of the advice-giver, the greater this effect. An authority on etiquette such as yourself apologizing for dispensing advice on behavior is immediately suspect.

Because of its effect, I think the prefix is counterproductive. One cannot absorb what one resents and tunes out. Risking a response of immediate resentfulness seems antithetical to the goal of good manners.

So, am I missing the point with a guy's preference for directness over propriety? Or does the phrase cross the boundary between etiquette and smarm -- "all due respect" style?

GENTLE READER: Take a look at the opening paragraph of your letter. Gentle Readers often begin with some such deferential compliment, which Miss Manners appreciates, although she does not ordinarily share that part of letters with other readers.

Are such words meant literally? Does she believe that you have qualms about asking a question of someone who is in the business of answering them?

Of course not. You are merely adding a touch of grace to your letter. This need not be analyzed in terms of deep emotional sincerity.

Besides, "sorry" does not always mean that one is apologizing for oneself. Miss Manners assures you that she is sincerely sorry to find people behaving in such a way that forces her to correct them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are 70 years old and married for three years. Both of us were widowed before we met and married. I am from the Midwest, and he is a Carolinian his entire life. A real Southern gentleman.

My problem is that I am becoming annoyed that at church and restaurants, he will always put me first, which is correct, but when I turn around he is not there -- he has let another lady in front of him, or he's held the door for another woman, and he is chatting with them and I'm on my own.

What is the proper etiquette? After he opens my door and allows me to go first, is it necessary for him to be the gentleman for every other single woman? I am becoming jealous, and it is really starting to aggravate me.

GENTLE READER: So you want him to be less of a gentleman? Miss Manners warns you to be careful about what you wish.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is my obligation to reply to unsolicited business contacts? I recently received a second email from a person who wishes to sell me something. I ignored his first message, but his second was personalized and suggested that we meet (presumably in my office) at a specific time and date. I have no interest, and in any case will be busy then.

Should I politely respond that I do not wish to use his product? Or is it acceptable to merely continue ignoring his requests and those like it?

GENTLE READER: You are under no obligation to respond to commercial solicitations. These are not your friends, no matter how familiarly they address you ("Hi, Bob! Can we talk insurance for a minute?").

However, if you wish to put an end to these requests, it might be wise to say, "I'm sorry, but my company and I are not interested in your product. Please take us off of your contact list." Miss Manners does not guarantee results.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my housemates constantly keeps napping in the living room, usually when I am still in it.

His justification is that "it's a common room." But mine is, "Napping is an activity that takes the commonality out of the common room, and there are other rooms for napping." Is this considered inconsiderate to me, or am I just being too territorial?

GENTLE READER: Your housemate's ownership of the room is equal to your own, Miss Manners is afraid. But this also means that, without being provocatively inconsiderate, you need not refrain from using that room as well. And yes, watching television might be one of those things. If the noise bothers him, you may then say, "Perhaps you would like to nap in another room where you can have more privacy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The couple next door, with whom I have begun to build a good relationship, went on an overseas vacation and asked one of their friends to house-sit for two weeks.

Today, I noticed four other cars parked in front of their house. From the chatter over the fence, I could hear that the house sitter had invited a small group of people to the house for a gathering.

I do not know if my neighbors gave the house sitter permission to invite guests. When my neighbors return, how can I delicately broach the subject without sounding accusatory toward the house sitter, but in a way that would make my neighbor aware of what happened?

GENTLE READER: Were they causing a neighborhood disturbance? Other than commanding your attention to watch, Miss Manners means.

You do not know if the arrangement allowed the house sitter to entertain. If you feel you must speak up, Miss Manners will allow you to say something like, "How wonderful to have friends whom you can trust. They were so considerate when they threw their party at your house last week. We hardly heard a peep."

If your neighbors balk, you can look shocked saying, "Oh, dear. I just assumed that you knew."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a very big fan of most wines, but I do enjoy port. When I go out to eat, is it appropriate to order a dessert wine like port or sherry during the main course?

Also, if it is all right to drink port with dinner, how do I politely explain to the waiter that I know what I am ordering? I've had two waiters tell me that I should select something else for dinner, even though I was quite certain of what I wanted.

GENTLE READER: Traditions about food pairings still carry some force in formal events or private parties where the complete meal is selected by the host. They have little or no relevance in restaurants.

You will get a funny look if you order both a pasta and a meat course in Italian restaurants in the United States, where both dishes have been apportioned -- and priced -- as stand-alone dinners. But no one will think twice if you order three appetizers and call it a meal.

If you are more than 4 years old, Miss Manners does, however, caution against ordering dessert first, as you may be given the check when you are just getting started. The waiter can be thanked for his suggestion, but assured that you know what you want.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about those individuals who announce their own upcoming birthday? What should one do when someone says, "Don't forget my birthday next week"?

GENTLE READER: The wording of your response will depend upon your relationship to the person; the enthusiasm and sincerity displayed should not.

If the person is a close relative -- and has reason to suspect that you will forget unless reminded -- you may answer, "Of course I know that, silly! I can't wait." If the person is a co-worker or other acquaintance for whom there is no expectation that you recognize the birthday, the answer should be, "Oh, that's wonderful! I hope you have a lovely birthday."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you do this Gentle Reader an enormous favor and remind those who attend funerals not to approach the near and dear of the dearly departed with questions such as, "Do you remember me?" or "Do you know who I am?"

Please, if I have not seen you in many years, just tell me your name, and possibly how I know you, as in, "Hello, I'm Bob, and I worked with your father for many years. I am so sorry for your loss."

I have had this guessing game thrown at me at both of my parents' funerals, as well as at the funeral of an old high school friend whose service I helped to conduct. I can almost forgive the high school instance, because such an event is only a step away from an actual reunion. But please don't terrorize family members with it.

GENTLE READER: People who do this, on any occasion whatsoever, have answered their own question -- no, they are not memorable. Miss Manners would think that that realization alone would discourage this rude quizzing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)