DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a party last weekend where there were drinks, a buffet, music and conversation. It was all very pleasant until a few people (not the host or hostess) decided to turn off the music and play videos for the crowd on their phones instead.

The party suddenly became a quiet mass of people huddled around a smartphone. And folks in the other parts of the house could no longer hear the music that had been playing.

The hostess was very gracious but visibly annoyed. I find that this sort of behavior has become more and more common at parties, and I wonder, what is a host or hostess to do when their party is commandeered by funny cat videos?

GENTLE READER? What, indeed?

Miss Manners commends this particular hostess for her patience. If she had been feeling even more generous, she could have offered to display the cat videos on her television or computer for all to see. This would have the effect of making the activity more communal, while drawing attention to the fact that only a few were participating.

But more likely, the difficulty of its technical execution would be time-consuming enough that everyone would get bored with it and resume more social activity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We're going to the wedding of an old friend's son, and sent the couple a lovely, generous gift from their registry. The thank-you note we received is generic, and my wife is insulted.

Should this be a teaching moment for the bride, and if so, how should we handle this? Or do we just accept that some people don't have a clue?

GENTLE READER: It is with a heavily trodden-upon heart that Miss Manners informs you that getting a thank-you letter at all is scores above what most guests receive.

Registries are generic to begin with -- after all, you are generously ticking off items on a shopping list -- so it is not surprising that their thank-you notes reflect that.

One day, everyone will see the joy of a registry-less world, where presents are voluntary, thoughtful and unsolicited. Then, thank-you letters that express genuine gratitude for true thoughtfulness will follow.

In the meantime, Miss Manners would not recommend that you chastise this couple for at least acknowledging the unpleasant arrangement.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was eating lunch at a public counter yesterday when an elderly lady (a stranger) came up to me, put her arm around me and started talking. I was so startled that I just responded, "Please don't touch me!" in a loud voice.

She backed up and murmured something, and her male companion said something under his breath. Was there a better way for me to have responded?

GENTLE READER: Probably. Miss Manners is given to a more genteel squeal in such instances.

But as this was a stranger, and you didn't know her intentions or her state of mental health, your reaction was acceptable and the message the same: Do not startle a stranger if you do not want a startled reaction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I finally signed up with a popular social media site at the request of my two sisters, one who lives abroad and the other one 1,500 miles away. They both wanted to be updated on my family and daughter's events.

However, due to my busy schedule, I want to limit the number of my "friends" on social media to 10 people, mostly very close family and friends of my daughter.

I have received a friend request from a person I carpool to work with. I do not want to increase my social media friends list. Should I accept the invite, even if it means having 11 friends? Or what is a polite way to decline?

GENTLE READER: Most social media sites save users the trouble of figuring out how politely to say "I don't want to be your friend" by allowing them to decline without actually informing the person making the request. Miss Manners does not agree with this implementation; she does agree that you are not bound to engage in unwelcome social interactions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A cousin who remarried informed me that not only has she taken her husband's last name, but she has also changed her first name. A friend did this some years ago, but answers to both first names, old and new.

Is it recommended to honor the new first-name identity and offensive to retain the familiar first name? Retroactive first-naming feels like losing ties that bound -- especially when one interacts infrequently, over long distances!

GENTLE READER: Changing first names upon marrying is a new idea to Miss Manners. She wonders if it is the bride's intention, by changing her entire name, to loosen old ties by disappearing. But assuming this is not the case, it is correct to address her by her new name.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a co-worker who is late to work almost daily. Two or three times a week, the co-worker makes herself even later by stopping to pick up coffee or breakfast sandwiches.

She calls the office while driving to pick up the items, to see if anyone would want her to get anything, with the expectation that she wishes to be repaid despite this being an effort to apologize for being late.

I'm just curious, if I am ever running late myself, which would be more appropriate: to be late and empty-handed, or to be even later with a snack in hand?

GENTLE READER: Your question, even if facetious, raises a genuine issue: To whom is an apology due from a late co-worker? Her colleagues, including yourself, may feel wronged, either because their own work -- or workload -- may suffer in consequence, or because it is unfair that standards of timeliness are not applied uniformly. Or they may not care, and appreciate the catering.

But it is the business that is being harmed, and therefore it is the boss to whom the co-worker first owes an apology. It is also the boss to whom you and your colleagues can take their complaints. One assumes that the boss would rather have a laborer than a latte, free or otherwise.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for announcing a pregnancy to extended friends and family?

I am expecting a baby shortly and have not announced anything about my pregnancy via social media and have no intent to. The result is, only friends that I keep in contact with frequently or see in person, and immediate family, know that I am pregnant.

I was fine with this, and intended to send out a birth announcement to extended family once my child was born. However, it seems that every time someone I'm not close to finds out I'm having a baby in a few short months, they act offended that I hadn't told them sooner.

So I'm wondering, was I supposed to mass-announce my pregnancy? Or is it OK to keep things like that private, simply for the reason that you don't feel like broadcasting it via social media?

GENTLE READER: There are sensible reasons for not advertising a pregnancy -- from the possibility that something might go wrong, to the hope of avoiding hearing everyone else's grisly birth stories.

But beyond that, Miss Manners encourages you to resist the notion that you are obliged to make your life public. Traditionally, births, marriages and deaths were formally announced to one's circle of acquaintance. The rest was, and is, discretionary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my early 70s and could definitely get a lift from a face-lift. The problem is that I'm not sure how to find a surgeon I trust.

I know a number of women my age who look wonderful, and I suspect they have had "work" done. I would love to ask them for the names of their surgeons, but fear that my question would be insulting or intrusive.

Is there a tactful way I could ask? Or is it just plain bad manners to ask someone who did their face?

GENTLE READER: Yes, "Who did your face?" is definitely not charming conversation.

But you might be able to tease that out of them by talking about yourself, and then, after the inevitable reassurance that you look fine, saying, "Still, I wish I knew someone who could recommend a surgeon. I'm not lucky enough to have your good genes."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you answer well-meaning people who ask how you are doing after the death of your spouse?

My husband died last year, four months after I retired from my job. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to his brain.

I still miss him and want to ask him countless questions. He is sitting on our mantel in his urn -- needless to say, his answers aren't well-phrased.

I haven't been very active socially because I don't have a well-thought-out way to answer people's concern, except to say, "I'm doing as well as can be expected."

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that that says it all. You needn't claim to be fine, but you will have responded to the well-meaning people that you are not in a state of crisis requiring intervention.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)