DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends and I were talking about how to give a compliment. One said that you should say, "That shirt looks good on you," and one said that was wrong; the correct way is, "You look good in that shirt."

Personally, I am happy to get a compliment so I don't care. But now our curiosities are piqued. Which friend is correct, and even better -- why?

GENTLE READER: The correct thing is not to quibble about compliments, and Miss Manners is pleased that you are affable enough to take either sort of statement as such.

Those looking to collect insults are not so generous, and it is for them that the following explanation is geared. "That shirt is becoming on you" implies that its wearer would look good regardless -- the shirt is simply being enhanced by the person's good looks. This is more flattering than, "You look good in that shirt," which -- if one goes digging -- implies that you are becoming only in that particular shirt. The inference, which is not as complimentary, is that the shirt itself would be just fine on its own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does etiquette dictate that anyone, or particularly mothers of young children, accept some portion of the invitations they receive?

I understand, of course, that invitations must be answered promptly, but since I prefer not to leave my young daughter at night (nor would I wish to bring her to gatherings that are past her bedtime, even if she were invited), my answer is always "No." (I do encourage my husband to attend whatever of these events he would like, without me, and he sometimes does so.)

One friend criticized me severely when I declined what was considered one too many evening invitations. The criticism devolved into an attack on my parenting philosophy, which cannot be the subject of an etiquette question, but I am wondering if there are guidelines I ought to be following to make my repeated negative replies more palatable.

For example, is it unfair if I continue to invite others to brunch in my home, on hikes (which include my child), or to casual dinners or movie nights held in my home after my child goes to bed, given that I repeatedly decline their invitations? I extend these invitations at various times, not in reply to the invitations of others. I certainly don't expect anyone to attend my events if they don't wish to, but they are all I have to offer.

GENTLE READER: On the contrary, inviting friends -- not as a reciprocal obligation, but because you enjoy their company -- is the very definition of hospitality. That you want to do it at your convenience and on your own terms is how any hosted event works.

Do not let your friends bully you or engage in criticism of your parenting techniques. They may find your declining of invitations tedious, but Miss Manners assures you that that is their problem, not a problem of etiquette.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope you will help me navigate a nasty family dispute. At family gatherings last summer, the hostess, my dear mother, relegated the party to the outside of the house, and decorated the floor from the backdoor to the bathroom with a path of towels, to lessen our impact on her home.

The temperatures soared and so did tempers.

Does a hostess have a responsibility to see to the comfort of her guests regardless of the messiness or rambunctiousness of her children and grandchildren? Does a guest ever have an occasion to request greater hospitality -- and free access to the more comfortable interior of the home?

I left the last family dinner early (and graciously). My sister stayed another two hours and departed only after browbeating my mother for not allowing us inside. Both are assuming that I will take their side in this argument.

GENTLE READER: A hostess indeed has a responsibility to see to the comfort of her guests, although your qualification -- that she do so irrespective of the behavior of the guests -- gives Miss Manners pause. That and the towels.

Miss Manners wonders if it would be worth reviewing the behavior of the rambunctious progeny before admonishing your mother. A bit of moderation all around might prevent your family Christmas gathering from being held in the snow.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best way to get callers to identify themselves?

I receive many calls from professional organizations that ask for me by first name and fail to identify the caller. I am constantly having to ask, "Who's calling, please?" Many times this question is ignored, and they again ask is this "name"?

I really want to just hang up at this point or answer with a snarky remark; however, some of these calls are important to me. Do you have a suggestion as to how to inform these businesses that they are being very unprofessional? Also, what is the best way to obtain the caller's information?

GENTLE READER: There is no need to be shy about your legitimate request to know who is calling, but there is also no cause to be snarky. For those who refuse to identify themselves, Miss Manners recommends a firm, "I'm so sorry, but it was you who called me. To whom am I speaking?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend did not receive an invitation to a Christmas party she has been going to every year for 19 years. She assumed it was an oversight and called the hostess. Unfortunately, the hostess told her she was cut from the list this year.

Was my friend wrong to call? They were next-door neighbors for 18 years, and the hostess still lives in the same town. My friend is mortified and embarrassed. I told my friend that the hostess should have lied and said it was an oversight!

GENTLE READER: Just a guess, but has your friend not reciprocated all that hospitality?

Miss Manners presumes that the hostess was fed up with someone who treats her parties as an entitlement. There was no need to lie, but she could have replied to that presumptuous call with, "I'm sorry, we're giving a smaller party this year, for people we always see."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to my husband's first Christmas party with his company. I have been informed that one of his employees thinks of himself as the smartest person in the company and lets you know it at every opportunity. Any suggestions for comebacks that are not immediately known as a letdown?

GENTLE READER: Does your husband know about this?

No, not about the braggart at the office. Of course he's the one who told you. But does he know about your plan to use his confidential complaint to antagonize one of his new colleagues?

Oh, yes, you wanted something subtle from Miss Manners. If it is too subtle, there is no point. If it is not, you will have insulted someone with whom your husband has to work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We just moved to a very small town away from all of our family and friends. Due to a back injury, I am unable to cook Christmas dinner.

It is just my husband and me, so would it be inappropriate to post on Facebook a request for an invite to spend Christmas with somebody local?

GENTLE READER: Or you could stand outside on Christmas Day with a sign that says "I'm hungry."

Meals are customarily offered to the destitute on Christmas. Also, many people make a point of including friends who might otherwise be socially stranded then.

As people who could fend for themselves, as you do on other days, you are not eligible for the former; and as newcomers without acquaintances in town, you are unlikely to be sought out.

But even if some generous soul should take you in, there would be others whose first and possibly lasting impression will be of you as freeloaders.

Miss Manners highly recommends your turning this situation upside down by making it known that you are available on Christmas to help with any existing assistance to the needy. Despite your back problem, you could, for example, offer to do desk work, such as organizing or keeping track of the inventory, or to greet people and see that their needs are met.

That way, you will meet hospitable people and make yourselves known as newcomers who want to contribute to the town.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK for a grandmother to use her grandkids' pictures for her Christmas photo card every year?

I feel that she had her chance to do this when her kids were younger, and now it is our turn, as the kids' parents, to use our OWN kids' pics for our photo card.

I am the mother of two daughters, and three young cousins are also in the pic. My mother-in-law is never in the photo, which really bothers me.

My husband doesn't have the courage to stand up to her, and this is causing a huge problem between us. Every year I get so angry but just bite my tongue.

GENTLE READER: Bite harder. Those are her grandchildren, and her card does not prevent you from putting your children's pictures on yours.

Miss Manners is sorry that you hate your mother-in-law, but does not consider that an excuse for your insulting your husband.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)