DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our office's self-appointed social organizer has sent her usual Halloween notice that we're "encouraged" to come to work dressed up in our choice of scary attire.

Now, I do respect others who wish to participate. But personally, for various reasons, not the least of which is that I have moral and religious objections to the mass craziness that is Halloween, I wish not to participate -- in as gracious and respectful a manner as possible, without offending or appearing standoffish.

Our office includes a mere dozen people, so it's hard to not be noticed. Kindly teach me how to graciously abstain without offending the easily offendable. I don't wish to stay away from work, either, as I am paid by hours worked.

GENTLE READER: Unless your job is teaching nursery school, Miss Manners offers you her sympathy. She does not approve of compulsory shenanigans in the workplace.

She suggests that you go dressed normally, and reply to any accusations with the pathetic plea: "But I thought I was scary enough already. Do you mean to say that I don't frighten you? Oh, dear." And just to show your good will --and to divert the complaint -- you might bring some candy to offer your colleagues.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman with a gender-neutral first name, working in a predominantly male profession. In applying for jobs, I notice that the responses I get are sometimes addressed to "Mr."

Is there a way I can politely indicate that I am a woman to the people in HR before I show up at an interview? I just don't want any confusion or embarrassment when I meet them.

Conversely, I was thinking about being in their shoes, and I really don't know the best way to address a letter to a person like me. How does one address a letter to someone when you can't tell their gender by their name?

GENTLE READER: You should become adept at supplying any available clues -- for example, using your full name, "Patricia," in formal business correspondence even though everyone knows you as "Pat"; including your middle name if it is more gender-specific; and putting "Ms." in parentheses before your signature.

If that doesn't do it, Miss Manners would leave HR to guess and be ready with an apology if they guessed wrong.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude for my fiancee's daughter to give me a birthday list of very expensive items when I never once asked her what she wanted? She is always asking me for things I cannot afford, and I do not know the appropriate responses to her requests. It's gotten to the point that I do not enjoy her company.

GENTLE READER: In the interest of heading off the tendency of even angelic children to exploit parental differences, Miss Manners recommends a conversation with your fiancee. She should put a stop to her daughter's behavior on her own authority, leaving you the otherwise-pleasant task of making friends with your soon-to-be stepdaughter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently working at a job I hate. I finally decided to begin searching for more fulfilling employment.

How do I answer the question, "Why are you leaving a good, steady job after 13 years?" I want to be honest with potential employers, but saying, "I hate my current job and it is slowly destroying my soul" is just not the right way to go.

What would be the best way to answer this without lying or sounding quite so bitter?

GENTLE READER: If you were divorced, would you approach a romantic prospect by talking about how much you hate your former spouse? Although come to think of it, lots of people think this is a charming way of becoming acquainted.

In both cases, Miss Manners would consider it more effective to express your admiration for the new. To tell a potential employer that you find the possibility of change, and in particular of working there, exciting is not a lie. After all, you likely are excited about leaving a job you hate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In view of the recent decision of the Supreme Court, there is a obvious increase of gay/lesbian marriages. Could you offer suggestions as to the proper spoken and written titles for these married couples?

If a couple introduces their partners as "my husband" or "my wife," are their titles now Mr. and Mrs. John Smith if they are both males or both females? Is it proper to address the "wife" as Mrs. Pete Smith?

How would a handwritten envelope -- i.e., wedding invitation, museum opening, etc. -- be addressed? In our community, children are often taught to refer to adult family friends, teachers, neighbors, etc., as Ms. Rita or Mr. John. Do they now become Mr. Rita and Ms. John? It has become very complicated.

GENTLE READER: No, it hasn't. If, as Miss Manners suspects, you are trying to be cute, please cut it out.

On the chance that you are genuinely confused, however, please allow her to explain that marrying someone of the same sex and changing genders are two separate matters. When people of the same sex marry, they are both husbands or wives, and do not assume opposite gender forms of address.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is 48 years old and getting married for the second time. She will have a veil that is shoulder length. Should she have the veil over her face at the altar or not?

GENTLE READER: As she likes. Miss Manners may not be conspicuous for countenancing mangled traditions, but she is amazingly tolerant about bridal attire.

That is because she remembers something more disturbing: sneering wedding guests. When dear Queen Victoria wore a white wedding dress, she probably did not intend to launch it as a uniform for young, inexperienced brides. (She had been under heavy maternal supervision.)

But so it became, encouraging mean-spirited people to snicker at brides they considered too old or "experienced" (whether or not from a previous marriage) to wear white, and related regalia, such as veils. That this nasty custom has been wiped away by the ubiquitous use of the bridal costume strikes Miss Manners as a good trade-off.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why have women become unconcerned with how much of their bra and/or bra straps are uncovered?

I saw a young woman with a cute top that covered all in front, yet the entire back of her bra was fully uncovered. The label was visible, and I was tempted to tell her that she wore the same size as my wife. Of course I did not.

GENTLE READER: How very restrained of you.

But while Miss Manners agrees that ladies should be taking care to cover their undergarments, she warns that failure to do so does not constitute an invitation to get as close as you must have done to read that label. She will work on keeping ladies looking respectable, if you will kindly work on keeping a respectable distance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a friend's second home for the weekend with my kids. I called to ask what can I bring. She told me five pounds of dog food for her dog and five pounds of bacon.

I did bring the bacon, but I thought the dog food was rude. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you are assuming that the bacon is for the guests.

Miss Manners is amused by the distinction you draw between supplying people and dogs. While it might have seemed an odd request, the subtext of your rejection is that you find it rude to ask to provide for anyone other than the guests.

You did not have to ask what to bring (although for a weekend stay, a present is polite), but as you did, you should acknowledge that something for the general use of the hosts and residents of the house is not unwarranted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I finally have a home where I have enough room to invite people over for dinner, something I have been wanting to do for a long time. I like to cook and offer the hospitality of a meal, and I enjoy the company of my friends.

However, over the last few years, it seems that everyone I know has some kind of food allergy, or thinks something is just "bad for you," whether they are medically intolerant of it or not, and won't eat it.

I have known I am lactose-intolerant since I was 22 or so, but I offer food made with dairy because I know others can enjoy it. Lately a lot of people I know who ate gluten in the past say they can no longer do so. Then another friend says he can't eat gluten OR nuts. Another just doesn't like to eat fowl.

I remember when people just used to eat food. It has become quite a challenge to create a menu everyone will enjoy without creating individual dishes for each.

Would it be less than generous to ask people with such restrictive diets to bring their own dish to make sure there is something they can eat?

GENTLE READER: Yes. But it is not that Miss Manners does not sympathize. If you make a variety of foods with a reasonable effort at addressing the most prevalent -- and popular -- restrictions, that is the best that you can do. And Miss Manners will work on getting everyone else to eat what they can and otherwise, for heaven's sake, to keep quiet about it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)