DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in a same-sex marriage with a man who is half my age. I consider myself very lucky and -- for whatever reasons -- our marriage works well. We've been happily together for five years and counting.

I've found that others, particularly in the service industry, often ask if we are father and son or other familial connection. I usually simply respond "no" to the question, but if they persist, I admit to taking a fair amount of joy in their discomfort as their awkward guesses continue until I tell them that we're a married couple.

My husband tolerates my foible, usually with a smile, but friends say that I'm being rude and should simply tell them from the start. I feel that, while it may be uncomfortable, it certainly isn't rude or mean, and that I have no obligation to volunteer information.

Perhaps I don't have the right to the joy of their discomfort, but I consider it a small price to pay. Am I indeed being rude?

GENTLE READER: Do you believe that encouraging strangers to discuss your relationship status helps to open their naive or sheltered minds? Isn't it, rather, laying a trap for them to continue the rudeness of making more assumptions?

Miss Manners would understand your correcting people whom you would be likely to encounter again. But whether you simply say no, or explain that you are married, she hopes that you will not allow the foolish speculations of service people to upset you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When your mother is standing with the freezer door open and food in her arms about to fall out, what should her son do who is asking for her to move to get into the refrigerator?

GENTLE READER: Go back in time and offer to help instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have six children with varying degrees of red in their hair. Our youngest son was born with beautiful "carrot top" red hair and an incredibly shy personality.

So often strangers will compliment him on his red hair and then have the nerve to ask my husband and me where he "got it."

I can't imagine that they really care where the red hair originated. I don't feel obligated to explain, as it embarrasses our son and I find it very rude. How would you suggest that I respond?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, trying to curb the enthusiasm of strangers over adorable copper-headed children is a fruitless endeavor.

Why not have fun with it instead (and perhaps get your son in on the act and help ease his shyness) by coming up with some silly responses? "My mother was a pink flamingo" and "I sat under a rusty sink" were some of the cheeky retorts Miss Manners enjoyed in her youth.

Your children are in for a lifetime of (generally well-meant) comments on their hair. They might as well learn to manage them with good humor now.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did it become acceptable for merchants to solicit charitable contributions from their customers who are purchasing something?

It seems that everywhere I shop, I am now bombarded by the cashier asking if I want to donate money to some charity. Why is this acceptable, especially when these merchants won't allow other charities to solicit on their property?

It delays the line and puts customers in an uncomfortable position. How can I gently suggest that the merchant should not be asking me for extra money and that if he wants to solicit funds, he should stand in front of his store like everyone else?

GENTLE READER: Nonstop solicitation has joined nonstop advertising as a universal modern irritant, with the added bonus that those who object are lectured about the worthiness of the cause. ("How can you be so insensitive?")

Miss Manners would have thought that both would have stopped working years ago, but apparently not. A simple, "Thank you, no," is all the response that is required. Discomfort wears off with repetition, although Miss Manners has no objection to a charmingly worded letter to the merchant making your suggestion that all donations be moved to the curb.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone offers a compliment, I know that it is proper to say thank you. However, sometimes the compliments are worded so oddly that I'm left puzzled on how to respond.

Yesterday a woman said to me, "You look so good it makes me want to slap you." Another time, two people approached me and said to each other, "Doesn't she look cute? You hold her down and I'll beat her."

I realize that these are clumsy attempts to be funny and complimentary. I'm certainly not offended, but how should I respond? Saying thank you certainly doesn't sound right.

GENTLE READER: It is tempting to answer an oddly worded compliment -- or its cousin, the insult thinly disguised as a compliment -- in kind. Miss Manners urges you to resist. Unless you are Oscar Wilde, your response is as likely to miss the mark as did the original. Better a tight smile and an insincere tone, with a bland "Oh, thank you" that kills its posing as a joke and discourages repetition.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece was married last fall. I wanted to give her a bridal shower, but due to the fact that I was going through chemotherapy, I just wasn't up to it. She never had any type of shower or tea except for a small work shower. She has also experienced a lot of heartache in her young life.

I would really like to do something for her and her husband's first anniversary that could include gifts. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: That you follow your kind wish by giving your niece and her husband an anniversary party and as many presents as you like. But that you not solicit others to do so.

Miss Manners gathers that you think that there is a set series of gift-entitlement occasions connected with marriage, to be collected at the honoree's convenience, whether related to the wedding or not. Unfortunately, many people seem to harbor this outrageous notion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to ask a person which gender he or she identifies with?

With the relaxation of the bias against the LGBT community, people are more open to be who they really are, and that can be confusing. One acquaintance was raised as a girl, but identifies as male. Another is miffed when confused for a male even though she purposefully looks like a teenage boy. Any way to minimize the social awkwardness?

GENTLE READER: Are you expecting Miss Manners to come up with a way of quizzing new acquaintances about their gender that would NOT be socially awkward?

Are you aware that many people are offended at being asked their occupations, or where they are from, or where they went to school?

Additionally, there is a range of gender categories, not just male and female, and a vocabulary that has been proposed to go with each, but has not been universally recognized. So guessing is, if anything, worse than asking.

Fortunately, the only pronoun you need when dealing with someone face to face is "you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever OK for a man to call another man's fiancee without the permission of either party?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if the caller is the lady's probation officer.

A fiance or husband should not be acting in that capacity. Miss Manners presumes that a lady who is about to be married is of age, and therefore should be the only one to decide whom she does or does not want to call her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to have a wedding reception with no alcohol, but I am concerned that it would be considered unforgivably rude. The situation:

(1) I (the bride) do not drink alcohol.

(2) The groom does not drink alcohol.

(3) The groom's sister is an alcoholic.

(4) The groom's brother is an alcoholic.

(5) My father is an alcoholic.

The groom is open to a dry reception, but I have been told by other people that this would be horribly rude. The wedding itself is to be a low-budget affair in our backyard.

I was prepared to be called cheap or boring, but I hadn't really thought it was a rude decision. Others (family members) have told me that they won't attend a dry reception.

Is it a rude choice? I'm so disappointed that grown adults would threaten to skip celebrating a special day with us if we don't give in to their demands about what we serve.

GENTLE READER: If your relatives feel that they need to drink to attend your wedding, the alcohol problem in your family is even worse that you thought.

Of course it is not obligatory to serve alcohol at a wedding, or any other social event. Miss Manners suggests that you tell your relatives that you are sorry to miss them. A message delivered to their favorite bar should be able to reach them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)