DEAR MISS MANNERS: When do you stop being "divorced" and start being "single"?

GENTLE READER: At precisely the same time.

When people start treating you as single, as opposed to divorced -- which is what Miss Manners suspects you really mean -- depends on how intriguing the details of the separation were. And how much one or both of the relevant parties continue to publicize them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I feel very fortunate to have several couples with whom we occasionally get together for a meal at one of our homes. Sometimes it is just to be together; sometimes it is for a little celebration like a birthday, or to share a movie or play games.

We are fairly casual, with an occasional "special" event. The dishes are usually quickly dealt with by two or three of us, so that we can get down to visiting, celebrating, playing, etc.

One person we socialize with refuses any assistance with the dishes, and the rest of us find ourselves uncomfortably twiddling our thumbs, waiting until she is finished cleaning -- especially when we will be opening gifts, watching a movie, etc. We would rather she accept some help or that she wait until we have left.

But maybe we are mistaken. We now find ourselves unsure of when the dishes should be done. When close friends gather for a meal at one of their homes, what is the proper dish clearing-and-washing etiquette?

GENTLE READER: If the hostess wants to sneak a few dishes into the dishwasher as she is clearing them, Miss Manners would not find fault. But to leave the guests for a lengthy amount of time borders on rude and conveys to the guests that she would rather have a clean house than their company.

If your friend persists despite your offers to help, ask if it is all right if you begin the merriment without her -- and she can join when she is ready. If she is feeling left out, presumably she will realize that maybe it would be better to leave out the dishwashing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My grandmother has dementia and is slowly dying. Hospice is there with her off and on these days. I am planning a visit to see her.

I would like my husband to be with me when I visit her, but they have never met, nor does she know that he and I are married. We married after she developed dementia, and I never introduced the two, so as to not overwhelm her any.

If I were to introduce them this weekend, there is no guarantee that she will remember him in any future visits. There is also the chance that she won't even remember who I am. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: If it is important to you and your husband, then Miss Manners would encourage the introduction. Since your grandmother may or may not remember, there is no harm done to her, and possibly even momentary enjoyment. And you will likely feel better that you made the attempt to include your new husband in the family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most of our friends and acquaintances, married or not, have now embarked on the task of producing children. This means I am invited to multitudes of baby showers, sometimes more than one for each baby.

I disapprove of baby showers for two reasons: First, we are in a global resource crisis, and people, especially Americans, should have fewer children; and second, showers encourage wasteful consumerism, when the mother can easily obtain hand-me-downs for her rapidly growing child.

I am also alarmed at the shocking number of otherwise intelligent people who, despite this being the First World with various forms of birth control widely available, still have unplanned pregnancies and make no secret of this fact.

The majority of my friends' pregnancies have been associated with shotgun weddings, underwater home mortgages, or conception occurring immediately following the loss of the father's job.

For these reasons and others, I am generally not thrilled when my friends become pregnant. I love my friends, but once they have kids, they fall off the face of the earth. It makes me sad to lose my friends and watch them throw away their promising careers and lives to enter the black hole of babydom (which, despite common arguments to the contrary, almost all do).

Given this, it seems inappropriate for me to attend baby showers. My friends are all familiar with my views on reproduction. I am happy to help my friends in other ways -- come over and do the household chores for a day, for instance. But is there a polite way to decline to attend a good friend's shower?

GENTLE READER: Yes, certainly. It is: "Thank you so much for the invitation, but I will not be able to attend."

Miss Manners notices that being familiar with your views did not deter your friends from having children, so you needn't feel neglectful about refraining from repeating them after the fact.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and brother-in-law are going through a very bitter divorce. We have since found out that he is a liar and a cheat, and a man without honor.

There will be times in the future that we are attending the same social function (graduation, wedding, etc.). How do I show my disdain for this man without being considered rude? What if he should approach me to speak? What if he is with someone? What if he is with the woman that has contributed to the breakup of the marriage?

GENTLE READER: A divorce, like a funeral, has many mourners but few principals. (Miss Manners has noticed that participants in a divorce sometimes also divest themselves of their principles, but that is a separate topic.)

Proper responses can range from a cold aloofness to a deliberate snub, but as your grievance is subsidiary to your sister's, your behavior should follow her lead, without exceeding it in severity. Even then, it must be done quietly, so that your reaction will not attract the attention of other guests. Please remember that your primary obligation at such events is to avoid spoiling them with the fallout from less happy situations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a small group of friends who like to get together regularly to have dinner and socialize, which is fun. Most of the group have limited funds and very small apartments with no dining area, and can't accommodate our group.

I recall that Miss Manners has said proper etiquette dictates the hosts should provide the evening's dinner and drinks. We have enough space to handle the group, but not the budget to entertain everyone as regularly as we'd all like. Trying to entertain regularly is taking a financial toll.

It has been suggested that we switch to hosting potlucks so we can get together as a group more than once or twice a year. What are Miss Manners' thoughts, and does proper etiquette allow for the potluck?

GENTLE READER: Of course it does, presuming that all parties to it are agreeable.

What you have mistaken as a total ban is her objection to the bait-and-switch scheme by which people issue social invitations to those who are subsequently ordered to contribute to the catering.

This has become so widespread that many guests feel they cannot show up to social events without bringing food that they expect to be served. And that creates a problem for truly hospitable hosts, whose menus have been sabotaged by unexpected additions.

But Miss Manners has no objection whatsoever to a frankly cooperative meal among people who have agreed on this form. She is not quite such a killjoy as you have been led to believe.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend was approached at his daughter's birthday party by several of his ex-wife's new friends. He was told how happy they were for them (ex-wife was pregnant with new husband's child) and how beautiful they were as a family. He said thank you and left it at that, so as not to create an awkward moment.

What should he have done in this situation? Should he have corrected his ex-wife's friends or simply done what he did and say thank you?

In another situation, I was introduced to someone who did not know my boyfriend's ex-wife and said "... and you are (my boyfriend's ex-wife's name)?"

I said, "No, I am ..." and stated my name. What is a girl to do? Please let us know what to do with these awkward situations.

GENTLE READER: These people seem to have a lot of clueless friends. Anyone who is close enough to be invited to the child's birthday party ought surely to know to whom their friends are married or not married.

Less culpable is the person who assumed you were your predecessor, although Miss Manners keeps warning people to stop guessing at relationships, rather than waiting to be told. Mature parents who are assumed to be their children's grandparents are plagued by this.

Nevertheless, you and your friend seem to have handled these mistakes gracefully. Whatever embarrassment these people may feel on discovering their mistakes was brought on by themselves, and may teach them to be more careful in the future.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)