DEAR MISS MANNERS: We accepted an invitation for a week's vacation without cost in another couple's condo with them and one other couple. There wouldn't have been any additional charges to our friends for us being there. We intended to fly there, while our friends intended to drive, which is why we provided them with six bottles of expensive wine ($300 total) for all of us to enjoy while we were together.

At no time was it ever said or implied that the wine was a gift. We did, however, say that the wine was for all of us to drink while we were there as a "thank you" for the free lodging.

We got "cold feet" due to six adults being housed in a small condo, so we canceled. The hosts said our cancellation didn't matter; that the wine should still go with them to the condo.

We politely declined. When they returned, they not-too-subtly wanted to keep the wine for themselves. We declined that "request" as well. What are Miss Manners' thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Well, they are not pretty. Not about you nor about your alleged friends in this unseemly tug.

You give yourself away when you speak of a supposed friend's offer of hospitality as "free lodging." Even the hotel industry now uses the more delicate terms "host" and "guest."

As you have baldly stated, you accepted an invitation, and then canceled because you decided that you didn't like the pre-stated terms. You had sent what anyone would interpret as a present, but are now declaring it was payment for services you no longer wanted.

Miss Manners would have preferred the scorned hosts to return your wine and cross you off their social list. But perhaps they were caught with no wine in the house, other guests on the way, and themselves being badly in need of a drink.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who I see about once a month. I told her about an event she might be interested in. When I asked her about it, she said, "Remind me about that a week before."

I was stunned. I never in a million years would ever ask anyone to remind me to do anything. Is she 2 years old? Does she not own a calendar? Either she's lazy, rude, self-centered, inconsiderate, or all of the above. What is your thought on this matter?

GENTLE READER: That your friend is not interested in this event, although she chose an unfortunate way of saying so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I want to know who should pay for a baby sitter: the single mother, or the man who is taking her out?

I feel that the man should pay for the sitter since he is the one who asked the mom out. Even if they have been together for a while, it should be his responsibility. What is the correct thing to do?

GENTLE READER: Is it his baby?

If not, Miss Manners must invoke the rule that hosts are not charged for the expenses of guests who choose to accept their invitations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a new mother, trying my best to keep up with all the new demands that motherhood brings. And I just finished reading a column in which you said that "Maybe" was never an appropriate response when you RSVP.

I admit I have been saying "Maybe" to events lately. I would really like to attend these events if possible, but if I need to stay home to nurse my son, then I wouldn't be able to attend. (I don't include all those details in the RSVP -- just mentioning them here so you understand why I haven't been committing!)

I assume that when my son is older and on a schedule, it will become easier for me to commit definitively. But what should I do in the meantime? Just decline all invitations? Say yes, and then back out at the last minute if I cannot attend?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners is sympathetic to the pressing and unpredictable demands of new motherhood, she also cautions against relying on your child as a perpetual excuse (in non-emergency situations, of course).

You will find that it will be an endless resource and will have the unfortunate result of diminishing invitations.

While it is still early, you may want to find a way to reconcile this with a social life now. If finding an alternative food source for your son is not an option, then yes, decline invitations until you and your son can find a mutually satisfying schedule (backing out at the last minute will not be looked upon kindly more than once). Your hosts would likely be much happier knowing that your status is temporary, than thinking of you as simply an unreliable guest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I react when people say "I'm sorry," but they really are not, and I do not want to forgive them?

An example -- a friend or client is running late and it inconveniences me greatly. They show up and throw out a quick, "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late (insert excuse)."

Must I reply, "That's OK" -- even if it isn't?

Or, what about when I am out with a friend and she takes an unnecessary call or text on her phone and leaves me standing there awkwardly? She turns to me afterward and nonchalantly says, "Oh, I'm sorry ... blah, blah, blah."

The "I am sorry" in these and other situations feels insincere. It seems to just pop out of their mouths and not mean anything. What can I reply other than "That's OK" when it is not!?

GENTLE READER: People also say, "How are you?" as a nicety and rarely listen to the answer. Miss Manners acknowledges that a half-hearted apology is indeed frustrating, but saying "I'm sorry" is better than not.

However, as long as you are not outright rude in your reaction, responding "That's OK" after an annoyance is not strictly necessary. "Oh, I'm sure it must have been important" -- said without sarcasm -- should convey the necessary inconvenience while still giving the offenders the benefit of the doubt.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A guy I just started dating took me out to dinner for my birthday on our fourth date. He raised his glass and made a toast in my honor.

I chimed in during the toast to say something nice about him as well. He said that I should not have interrupted the toast. I suggested that correcting etiquette is also not proper form. Can you help us?

GENTLE READER: There were three breaches of etiquette by Miss Manners' count. You interrupted your date while he was speaking. He admonished you. And you admonished him.

Assuming that the evening did not end with a fourth, unreported breach -- for example, his drink on your dress -- and that a fifth date is therefore a possibility, Miss Manners prescribes apologies all around.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation for my niece's baby shower, where the hosts listed are her 7- and 2-year-old daughters. This means her daughters will be the ones to run any shower games and to open each gift for their mother.

Her 7-year-old (4 years old at that time) was allowed to do that at her bridal shower. It was very annoying and time-consuming. Is this the trend now for parties, allowing the kids to be the hostesses?

GENTLE READER: The practice of using a party as a stage for one's children to bore the guests is not, Miss Manners notes, new.

And there is certainly a trend toward misunderstanding the duties of a host, which include inviting and entertaining the guests, not focusing on being the recipient of gifts. Etiquette sets no minimum age, but does require that a host understand -- not to mention fulfill -- her duties. It also prohibits her from throwing a shower for herself, or even agreeing to one when it is not her first child.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of the people in our office (a second career for me, where everyone is 20 years younger) is getting married next fall. I have picked up some indications that this individual may feel obligated to invite everyone from the office.

While I would be honored and delighted to be invited, I know that in this case the guest list is limited. I would not want to displace another guest who is more deserving.

Is there any tactful way to pre-emptively handle this situation? I thought of taking the individual aside and explaining all of this, but I don't think that would be "correct," especially because it is possible I've misread the situation entirely. Is it better to politely decline the invitation with some made-up excuse, or just cheerfully attend?

GENTLE READER: There is no correct way to decline an invitation that has not been issued, even if you feel that accepting would place undo hardship on your host. Should you be invited, Miss Manners suggests that you not explain your reason for declining, as the assertion that an invitation was not made wholeheartedly is not a flattering one. She also expects that you will not feel offended if the invitation does not materialize. If it does, you may treat it as sincere and accept if you wish.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)