DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past few weeks, I have noticed several cashiers and bank tellers asking if I have any plans for the day, or asking how my day is going so far (rather than saying, "How are you?"). When I mentioned this to a store manager, the response was that they were merely trying to be friendly.

I do not feel that the answer to either of those questions is any business of theirs, and I am at a loss how to answer the second question especially without being rude. I tend to just not answer.

GENTLE READER: As failing to answer is a bit harsh, even to phony "friends," you could say, "I do, thank you." Miss Manners would then steer the conversation back to the question at hand so as to cut off the inevitable follow-up question with, "And I'm afraid I'm running a bit late. Would you mind depositing my funds so I can be on my way?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A longtime friend constantly calls me for the "daily run" of her personal/professional activities, but rarely inquires about my own life. No matter what reason I use for ending our one-way conversation, she keeps on talking!

What would you suggest would be the most polite but effective way of bringing her litany to an end?

GENTLE READER: Terminating a telephone call is as easy as apologizing and saying that you really must go. Even inveterate talkers occasionally pause for air.

But it appears to Miss Manners that what you are really hoping is that you can change your friend so that she shows the same interest in your life that you have demonstrated in hers.

Longtime friends are as difficult to retrain as family members, and yours may not be interested in reciprocating, having grown accustomed to your one-sided relationship. If this is the case, you can at least restore the balance by limiting your own availability.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a few friends I invite out socially, but some of them have started declining my invitations with a succinct, "I'll pass."

I'm in my late 20s, and I've always declined invitations by first thanking the person for the invitation, and then expressing apologies for not being able to attend.

I feel that "I'll pass" is a somewhat rude way of declining an invitation; after all, I'm not passing around a plate of cookies. I admit that it does bother me, and I find myself inviting out those friends less and less.

Since when has "I'll pass" entered the vernacular and become an acceptable way of declining an invitation?

GENTLE READER: It has not, neither for the invitation nor for the cookie. Miss Manners reminds you that she stands between the vernacular and the acceptable and refuses to give rudeness a pass.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you are hosting a colleague's baby shower and are serving only cupcakes, is it OK to provide only napkins instead of small plates?

GENTLE READER: Only if you plan to vacuum after everyone leaves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last fall, I married my partner of 24 years in another state that allowed gay marriages, as our state did not. Once back, we had a lovely reception at our home and hosted about 100 guests.

We really did not want presents, and after doing some research, decided not to mention anything about gifts on the invitation. We received many great and unique gifts and many gift cards, which were put to good use.

However, we were surprised to receive a number of greeting cards with promises to take us out to dinner to celebrate. Seven months later, not one has made good on their promise.

Not that we are keeping track, but each time we see one of these folks, we hear, "Oh, we still owe you a dinner!"

I politely reply, "You don't owe us a thing, but we would love to go out with you sometime soon!" It is to the point of being very awkward when we see one of these people. We never bring up the forgotten dinner.

I hope young married couples do not receive such promises as gifts. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That you needn't worry about the awkwardness, which is of their making, and which you have been handling gracefully.

Miss Manners quite agrees with you about such promises. She does not doubt that the desks of many parents now contain prettily decorated but worn slips of paper with Christmas promises from their children for breakfast in bed and other treats.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary next year, if the Lord is willing and we are still both here, and I would like to have our names printed on the napkins. Which one of his names should I use?

All our friends and family who live in the state where we were born and attended school called him by his middle name. He was in the Army for over 20 years, and wherever we lived and where we have lived now, for almost 40 years, people call him by his first name. We are hoping some of our friends and relatives will be coming for the reception from our home state.

I don't want to have two stacks of napkins -- kind of confusing, as people here would wonder what is going on. So, which name should be put on the napkins?

GENTLE READER: That this is what we now call "a First World problem" does not bother Miss Manners. What does is that etiquette has no tradition to cover this.

Somehow it failed to acknowledge paper napkins. Thus the closest precedent is that a bride's linen napkins are monogrammed with her initials. That's no help at all -- wrong material and 50 years too late.

So Miss Manners will have to set a precedent, as well as a special exception for this case.

Paper napkins being highly informal, marking them with whatever one goes by, including a nickname, is better than trying to pass them off as the real thing. However, here she would allow you to use both your husband's and your first and middle names, so as not to prompt any guests to think that there has been a switch that they missed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two children through adoption, and am in the process of adopting the biological sibling of my younger child.

These siblings were born into the foster care system. Their birth mother grew up in foster care. That, together with her family's extreme dysfunction, led her to addiction. I have enormous sympathy for her circumstances, and have seen her weep for her losses and what her life has become.

Aside from her addiction issues, she is a sweet, likable and respectful individual. While clearly the circumstances of our children's births are not ideal, we are so grateful to have them, and I make sure to tell our children how much she loves them and how wanted they are.

My problem is with people who ask me if she has heard of birth control, or proclaim that the authorities should just tie her tubes, or offer other simplistic solutions to a very complex issue. I know I have a far deeper understanding of the situation and have tried explaining some of it, but this takes time and often reveals more of my children's stories than I might wish.

Does Miss Manners have a kind and gentle response that reminds people that until they have walked a mile in her shoes, they are in no position to judge?

GENTLE READER: It would be tempting to respond with something like, "Birth control? What's that? I've never heard of it, either." But don't.

Rather, Miss Manners recommends a cold "I beg your pardon, but I must remind you that are talking about the mother of my children." That should at least confuse them enough to be rendered speechless.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Frequently when our family meets for dinner at a restaurant, we find that our mother has pre-ordered food and we're not allowed to see a menu or make any choices.

We're middle-aged children, and our mother insists that this is the same as visiting her house for dinner, therefore she makes the choices. I've asked her to stop doing this and she ignores my requests.

Is this appropriate host behavior? I don't like having my food chosen for me, but am I rude to insist on ordering for myself, or is the host rude for not letting me choose?

GENTLE READER: This does seem to defeat the very point of going to a restaurant, doesn't it?

Is your mother paying for the meal and therefore trying to avoid a fight over the bill while still staying within her budget? Miss Manners would ordinarily never dream of asking about money, but she is trying to eke out the rationale here.

Perhaps your mother is confusing this casual family dinner with renting a restaurant party room, where one would act as host and plan the menu?

As you are middle-aged children, at least one of you should set a good example by insisting on taking her out for dinner, asking her what she would like to eat, and requesting, when making the reservation, that the bill be presented only to the host. If this is not feasible, Miss Manners recommends that you give up, and either give in or start inviting the family to your house for dinner.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)