DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son has some wonderful friends/clients who at are the tippy-top of the economic pyramid. He is invited to many events at their homes and yachts.

He doesn't bring the hostess a gift. Apparently, none of the other members of the circle bring them either. These are people of all ages from 21 to 79 -- some "new" money and some old.

Are hostess gifts not brought to such events? I will be attending one of these events, and I am not sure what I should do. Also, what would one bring to such an event? I cannot afford a $200 bottle of wine. This is very embarrassing.

GENTLE READER: It needn't be. Despite the number of people who say they were brought up "never to appear empty-handed," there are indeed circles in which this is not practiced.

It is not money that defines such people, but a sense of hospitality. While they may be pleased to receive an occasional bouquet or box of chocolates, they dislike what has come to seem like a barter system -- a contribution in exchange for a meal. The truly essential bargain between host and guest requires the guest only to respond promptly, show up on time, socialize with other guests, thank the host, write additional thanks and reciprocate.

You needn't bring anything, and a $200 bottle of wine would be ridiculous.

Your son, although apparently a regular visitor, is probably not yet in a position to reciprocate with invitations. But he can find other ways to show appreciation by training himself to be alert to what would be welcome. An offer to fix the computer problem of a host who is complaining about it, for example. Sending a book or recording that was discussed to someone who showed interest in it. Learning to crew if his friends don't have professional crews on their yachts.

A young friend who is thoughtful and eager to be helpful is a treasure that money cannot buy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my late 20s, am married and work as a teacher. At open evenings, staff and current students mingle with prospective students and their parents.

I wear a name badge, but students and teachers alike wear suits, so I am frequently mistaken for a student aged 16 to 18 by parents who haven't met me before, and they greet me with a line such as, "So then, how are you enjoying studying math?"

Once they realize their mistake, they get flustered and sometimes dig themselves into an even bigger hole by blurting out things I am sure they didn't mean to say, e.g., telling me I'm too young to be married, asking my age, or how my first year of teaching is going (I've been there for years).

How can I help them avoid feeling embarrassed, and how do I gracefully lead the conversation swiftly back to their interest in our school?

GENTLE READER: It is one of Miss Manners' great discoveries that one needn't contradict others in order to set them straight. In this case, she would have you say: "I'm always fascinated by math, or, as you can imagine, I wouldn't be teaching it all these years. But as you know, one can never really stop studying it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

The likelihood of emergencies seems to have increased alarmingly, judging from the number of people who cannot be temporarily parted from their cellphones, or who excuse themselves from commitments. Perhaps it is time to establish a definition.

The following occurrences are not, as a rule, emergencies:

-- You left your lunch in the refrigerator at home.

-- You forgot to record your favorite television show.

-- You cannot find your car keys.

Before you rush to inform Miss Manners that you are diabetic and celiac, so that lunch would have kept you out of the emergency room; that the television show is the only thing that gets you through a stressful week without a breakdown; or that without your car keys, your toddler will be stranded at his after-school program, allow her to explain.

If the dietary and child care problems apply literally to your situation, you have Miss Manners' sympathy and she will pause while you resolve the situation. She did say that such things are not "as a rule" emergencies. Watching television never is.

If, however, those explanations are not literally true -- if, rather, you will miss the show, are hungry, or feel bad at being late to meet a friend, please bear with her.

Note that she uses the word "literal" literally. Not liking the lunch options in the cafeteria is literally not the same as their sending you into shock.

As someone who is susceptible to the charm of a good story, Miss Manners understands the human tendency to exaggerate. But the escalation of inconveniences into emergencies has both devalued the term and led us into avoidable incivility.

Miss Manners has never maintained that the classic example of yelling "Fire!" in a theater is rude when a fire literally exists. She does, however, insist that it is rude to yell because the popcorn is not ready and the trailers are going on too long.

Exceptions to normal behavior are made for emergencies. They are not made for annoyances, inconveniences, or -- and this is the distinction most often forgotten -- for situations that, if left untended, might perhaps, in some distant future, become emergencies.

Making this distinction requires an exercise of judgment. If you see something falling out of a building in the general direction of a passer-by, etiquette does not require an emergency room admission before you can act. The person you pushed out of the way will not, she hopes, be cross with you if it turns out that the object went clear of the mark. Assuming, of course, you did not inadvertently push that person into harm's way.

But please, let us agree to stop pushing and yelling over the daily vicissitudes of life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You're going to think I am kidding, but I would like some pointers on the appropriate greeting for a casual acquaintance who has been arrested for shoplifting.

"Hello, how are you?" seemed a little awkward in the circumstances. To ignore an acquaintance also seems rude. What is your recommendation?

GENTLE READER: The words are right; Miss Manners only needs to help you with the emphasis. The idea is to show some feeling for the person, without seeming to probe about the crime or endorse it. Thus, "Hello, how ARE you?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman who, as comedienne Margaret Cho once put it, ovulates sand. I am not an evil witch who eats children; I just do not possess the enthusiasm for children, and the stories that accompany them, that others do -- especially, to be honest, other women.

The issue is that my femininity seems to make other people assume that I am baby-crazy. With friends, even those with children, this is mostly not a problem -- I go to movies with the adults, but don't receive invitations to their kids' birthday parties, which is fine with me.

But with others, I often find myself with a smartphone suddenly shoved under my nose, a picture of an unknown newborn on it, while the holder of said phone stares expectantly at me, waiting for the appropriate cooing.

I am a horrible actress. I can't perform, least of all under that pressure, and unfortunately saying, "Oh, good for her!" in a pleasant tone doesn't seem to be good enough, judging by the silent wait that follows.

If I do manage to squeak out a "Cute!" it comes off as obviously forced. The air may look clear when the mother finally scuttles off, but the condemnation hangs heavily.

I have had a baby plopped into my lap at a gathering without even being aware that it was being passed around -- and again the hopeful stares came. I have been introduced to small, barely verbal children at parties, and then found myself purposefully left semi-alone with them to talk/entertain them while the parent or grandma watches me stumble through, awkwardly pretending to converse, her smile gradually morphing into a frown as I fail to deliver. I am trying to work on my ability to fake interest, but frankly it's not going well. My talent for insincerity has sadly never been great.

I personally find it rude to expect others to stock the pond when one is fishing for compliments. Am I rude or are they?

GENTLE READER: Neither. Unless, of course, one or both of your reactions creeps into the extreme (for example, shrieking in horror and dropping the baby in your case, or leaving it on your doorstep, never to return, on theirs).

Much as it pains you, you are doing the right thing. There are times, Miss Manners assures you, when the parents themselves are faking enthusiasm for their own children. It is a talent worth cultivating.

Muster what you can and allow for others' indulgence. There is no doubt that someday something -- if not a child, then a pet, a hobby, a car -- will consume your affection and be met with similarly tepid enthusiasm. Remember that while you are grimacing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is an appropriate gift for second-year wives to give husbands? Just a card? Or should I get a special gift for him?

GENTLE READER: After two years of marriage, presumably preceded by courtship, you should have a better idea of what would please your husband than Miss Manners. If not, you should deal first with whatever is wrong with your marriage.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)