DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been going through a rough divorce for over a year now and have met a wonderful man who wants to get engaged. My husband is trying to hold out in settling the divorce as long as he can for his own financial reasons.

Is it unethical for me to get engaged while still going through this divorce, when he has moved on with another woman, and I am not dating someone?

GENTLE READER: You're not? And here Miss Manners would have thought that was a necessary prelude to becoming engaged.

Perhaps you anticipate being in marital limbo for some time, during which you hope to resettle yourself. Or perhaps you are dating, but are being discreet about it. Then again, maybe you just meant "now" when you typed "not."

The likelihood is that you have agreed to marry the wonderful gentleman, so what is in question is whether you can go public with the engagement.

Discretion is not a favorite virtue of the selfie generation, even among those who have heard of the concept. But, then, indiscretion is hardly new. In a 1911 short story, "Autres Temps," dear Edith Wharton refers to a character whose husband found out that she meant to divorce him when he saw her wearing a new engagement ring.

For a married lady to declare herself engaged was in bad taste then, and it is in bad taste now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When our club hosted an equestrian event, we didn't have enough club members to help out, so I asked two non-member friends to give us a hand with the event. They did. Hard work, hot day.

I wanted to get a gift card for those "volunteers," but the club thinks this is stupid. What is the etiquette to give a $10 gift card to those non-members who spent two to eight hours of their Sunday to help our club with an event they didn't even get to participate in?

GENTLE READER: Not paying them between $5 and $1.25 an hour.

People work for either love or money, and if it is money, the law requires more than the laundered payment you propose.

But volunteers are in the love -- or at least friendship -- category of worker. You repay them by thanking them profusely and reciprocating when they need help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When well-meaning people refer to persons of a certain age as "young lady" or "young man" when they clearly are seniors, it is condescending and really rather insulting. It indicates that the speaker has taken notice of how old the "young" lady or man really is.

Similarly, to be called "xx years young" rather than "old" is just unbearably cutesy and cringe-worthy.

Do these folks, who apparently think they are being sweet, believe that we are so simple-minded with age that we will not catch the implicit insult?

GENTLE READER: They at least assume that old people share their feeling that old age is embarrassing, if not shameful.

Unfortunately, many do. But while such people may cherish the idea that they pass for younger than they actually are, Miss Manners agrees with you that they cannot be so naive as to believe that these half-jocular comments are proof of having done so. Rather, as you say, this is patronizing evidence of focusing on the actual age of people while pretending to mistake them for youths.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past few years, I have been invited to baby showers that ask people to participate in a diaper raffle in addition to bringing a gift. Anyone who would like to brings a pack of diapers and then is entered into a raffle for a prize.

I silently decline to participate, on the grounds that this comes across as grabby. When I offered my opinion as graciously as possible on a social media site, I immediately received numerous comments from people who thought I was the greedy one -- among other unpleasant comments.

So now I'm wondering if I'm off base. What's your take on diaper raffles, Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is happy to say that she doesn't have one. But she feels that she need hardly tell you that if you express an opinion on social media, it will certainly be challenged. Your first instinct -- to stay silent about a made-up ritual that you find distasteful -- was the correct one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I encounter a celebrity whose stage name is different from his/her birth name, how should I address him/her? What about celebrities who go by only one name?

GENTLE READER: If you are being introduced to that person in a business situation, you use the stage name or names. If you have met socially, and the celebrity uses the birth name in private life, you may use that.

But Miss Manners suspects that you are speaking of encountering that person in public, without an introduction. In that case, it would be more useful to know if that particular celebrity generally reacts to being addressed with a smile or a fist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a petite 77-year-old woman in good health. I was in a theater lobby carrying two cups of coffee to a nearby table when a woman startled me by coming up right next to me and saying, "I'll carry those wherever you're going."

I said I appreciated the offer, but was fine. I set the cups down and said, "I don't know why people think I need help," and she said, "I thought you were going to spill them."

A few days later, I was in line at the supermarket. There was a large plant in my basket and the cashier was coming around the counter to scan it when the woman behind me came up and lifted it to the counter.

I understand people want to be helpful, and these women must feel the world needs mothering, but wouldn't it have been polite to say, "Excuse me, could you use some help with that?" before intruding into a stranger's space?

GENTLE READER: Indeed, it would be an excellent habit, before these well-meaning folks start helping people across streets their targets don't want to cross. Furthermore, unannounced physical interference is dangerous. Ask anyone who has had control of his or her wheelchair hijacked.

However, Miss Manners wishes you had made that point to the would-be coffee carrier, rather than suggesting that she had simply picked the wrong beneficiary. Surely we do not want to discourage people from being helpful if they inquire respectfully whether help is needed. The polite way to decline is to say simply, "Thank you, but I can manage."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm not sure whether to reply to comments on my blog.

On the one hand, ignoring reader comments entirely makes the blog look one-sided and discourages people from expressing their opinions.

But on the other, for me to post a subsequent comment to those who agree with me -- like "Thanks, you're swell, too" -- seems self-serving; for me to post a subsequent comment to those who disagree -- like "I disagree; let me have the last word why" -- is still more self-serving.

I reply to those I know via private email, but many people don't give contact info, since an email address on a website is an invitation for spam. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Too often the purpose of maintaining a blog appears to be to have the last word, so Miss Manners appreciates your modesty. But if your purpose is to foster dialogue, it seems only logical to allow dialogue. Replying politely to those who disagree with you will further your purpose more than thanking everyone who agrees with you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our nanny has been with us for some time now, and we just adore her. She is everything you could want in someone who cares for your children -- kind, attentive, patient ... I could go on.

She is from another country and will be traveling in the next few months back to see her family for the first time in almost a decade. I am so excited for her to get to see her own babies and grandbabies, and I want to do something extra-special for her by way of taking her to get her hair and nails done, and maybe buy a new outfit.

I know that the amount of money I spend on her can go far in her home country. If I offered her the equivalent sum, I know she would spend it on her family. She does so much for others and lives a very modest life in order to send more money back home.

Is it OK for me to insist that she spend some time and money on herself, just this once, or should I offer her some cash and express my hope that she'll do so?

GENTLE READER: That her job includes telling the children how to behave does not make it yours to do the same for her. Miss Manners believes that a kind, attentive employer restrains her impulse to make personal choices for her employees. You should offer her a bonus and say how much you hope she enjoys her trip. If you want to present her with a new outfit in addition, all the better.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Must every conversation become a job interview? People always seem to ask what I am doing, and I do not see a reason to tell them. Is there a polite response for people who see others as only their careers?

GENTLE READER: Not if you mean a polite response that tells them to reorder their priorities.

But a polite response need not actually answer the question. If you do not want to tell people what you do for a living, Miss Manners suggests that you tell them what you do for fun.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)