DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex is getting remarried to a woman he had an affair with, our next-door neighbor. He has pressured all three of our children to be in his wedding. (One daughter and a son live with me.)

I understand asking his son, who refused three times, then finally gave in, but to ask our daughters to stand with her as bridesmaids seems not only hurtful, but in very poor taste. I feel the pain as if I'm being replaced.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, despite the unsavory circumstances that led to it, this woman is now going to be a part of your children's lives -- and, by association, yours.

You are not being replaced as their mother -- and Miss Manners assures you that spreading this accusation is only going to make it more unpleasant for everyone.

Do your best to say nothing and stay impartial. It will be more effective to let your children show resentment on your behalf. It seems that they have already begun doing so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At our gym we have a women's locker room, a men's locker room, and a "family" locker room for adults with children of either gender under the age of 13.

Yet women insist on bringing their children into the women's locker room in violation of the rules. We try to be polite ("Did you know that we have a family locker room for children 12 and under?") but the response is often impolite ("So what? I don't need to follow the rules").

I think I have the right to undress, shower or change clothes without a 4-year-old boy who's half my height staring at me with interest.

The staff members, when we manage to track one down, often refuse to enforce their own rules. Short of changing gym memberships, do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?

GENTLE READER: Concern for the children and their potential psychological damage can go a long way toward convincing (or shaming) a parent who doesn't want to be inconvenienced. You might say, "I am about to undress, and I don't want to scar your child. I think he would be better off if you used the facilities designated for families."

Miss Manners hopes that if you hit the right note of concern, laced with just a hint of creepiness, the parents will be the ones running to the managers to enforce the rules.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always felt faintly ridiculous whenever someone proposes a toast, whereupon glasses are raised and pressure is applied to clink on each and every glass remotely waved in my direction.

Are toasts still considered good form? Are they not a little trite? And what does one do when at a long table where persons at opposite ends of the table can't possibly clink on each other's glass?

GENTLE READER: The bad form here is not toasting, presuming that it is kept short and flattering, but insisting upon clinking. Especially when you would have to lie down on the table to reach the glass at the other end. Miss Manners considers it better form merely to raise the glass and meet the eyes of the person being toasted (who must remain modestly immobile).

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Living in a small town, I often have the occasion to negotiate a four-way stop. The rules are simple: First person stopped has the right of way; if two or more stop at the same time, yield to the person on the right.

However, more often than not I see the person with the right of way wave a different car through the intersection. When I've asked people why, they say they do it out of politeness.

To me, this does not seem like a question of manners but simply following traffic laws. Once a "polite" person waves a car through, there's confusion as to who goes next and/or you have multiple drivers trying to wave other cars through. It is so much more efficient when everyone just obeys the laws!

GENTLE READER: Refreshing as it is to hear about drivers who wish to make the world a more polite place, Miss Manners agrees that this is not the place to start. Right-of-way laws exist to ensure not just efficiency, but also safety, in situations where the consequences of miscommunication can be dire. Drivers can express their polite feelings under such circumstances by refraining from unnecessary honking, cutting in line and other such forms of automotive self-expression.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in the process of starting a not-for-profit organization, and I am wondering what is the polite way to solicit donations for such an organization. I don't want to become the person who is always asking for money, but I also don't want the organization to suffer from me being overly shy.

GENTLE READER: As your question warms Miss Manners' heart, she will answer it without dwelling on her suspicion that you are not cut out for a career in fundraising. Shyness about asking others for money is a rare and admirable trait.

Fundraising is a legitimate activity, so long as it is not done under false pretenses (which means to unsuspecting persons at unrelated events like family birthday parties) or to excess (which means after the would-be donor has expressed a desire not to be solicited again). The key is to interest people in the cause, not to shame them into paying. Think of yourself as an ambassador and remind yourself not to be a zealot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I completely out of touch, or is it now acceptable to send a message of condolence via text?

My mother passed away recently, and a couple of my friends, one of whom I have known for over 30 years, sent me messages of condolence via text. OMG, your mother died!

Seriously? She's my mother, not my favorite plant. Although one of the messages was nice, I honestly cannot recall what it said because I was so hurt that I promptly deleted it.

Is it ever appropriate to send a condolence message via text or email?

GENTLE READER: The advent of new technologies has not changed the fact that the proper way to recognize a death is in a handwritten letter. Supplemental expressions of sympathy -- for example, a telephone call to a friend who lives some distance away, and a condolence visit to someone nearby -- are also welcome.

Miss Manners notes that the increasing rarity of letter-writing makes the effort more special today, as it shows a level of sympathy beyond what can be expressed in unpunctuated acronyms.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On public transit, the law requires giving up one's seat to the elderly and disabled. But there can be fuzzy areas to those categories sometimes, so I wonder if rules of etiquette can provide any guidelines.

I am a 60-year-old man with slightly graying hair, but am physically fit and able (slim, walk four miles a day, gym three times a week, etc.). On recent occasions -- though it's still rare -- someone has offered me his or her seat on the bus. The latest episode was a young woman who reached through a crowd of other standing people to touch me on the arm and wave in a frantic pantomime that I could have her seat.

It actually startled me. I think I managed to smile and shake my head no -- but I was truly offended. I wondered why in the world she had zeroed in on me out of that busload of adults. Was it merely the salt-and-pepper hair? Or do I really look that old and in need of help?

Over the years, I have seen other people get offended when offered a seat. And these aren't always the "gray-area" cases like me -- but ones who seem truly elderly and frail. It's as if they take the offer as a public accusation that they are worse off than others.

Of course, some people really do need and want to be seated, and the exchange is usually simple and polite. But what is the best etiquette in these cases to minimize any offense -- both for those offering and those being offered seats?

GENTLE READER: It is for people like you to stop feeling so ashamed of growing older that you are insulted at being treated courteously.

Granted, you are not rude to those who defer to you. Many people are, as you have seen. But you share their feeling that there is something embarrassing about aging, and that any recognition of it can only be motivated by pity.

Actually, precedence based on age is the fairest system. With any luck, everyone gets a turn. It is especially valuable now that workplaces try to disguise the fact that their precedence system is based on rank, and the social precedence system known as "ladies first" is passing out of use.

Why have a precedence system at all (you may ask)? Because the absence of an accepted one results in the me-first system of shoving -- as you may have noticed.

Your objection to age precedence is that it interferes with your illusion that you are passing for younger than you are. Good for you that you keep fit. But your record at the gym does not negate your obviously being a generation older than the polite young lady. It is doubtful that she had analyzed your hair and figure to calculate exactly how much older.

In due course, she will be in the older generation herself. Miss Manners only hopes that by that time, the concept of respect for the elderly will not have been killed off by misplaced vanity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK for a gay coach to invite his soccer team of 16-year-old girls to his wedding?

GENTLE READER: Certainly, provided he sends them all individual invitations, so that they understand that being a guest at a ceremonial occasion is not like showing up for a sports event. Miss Manners is afraid that people nowadays do not always make that distinction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)