DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past few years I have noticed an infuriating trend: service people, such as cashiers, waitresses, etc., but sometimes also complete strangers, address me as "Mama."

Whatever happened to "Ma'am?"

I find this tacky and disrespectful, and it makes me absolutely livid. I snap back with a haughty "I'm not your mama!" which always causes total shock and surprise.

"Mama," in this context, is clearly a way of addressing an older women -- it calls attention to the woman's age. Yesterday, a younger friend of mine was devastated because some clerk called her "Mama" for the first time.

Do you have a better retort than a very stern "I am not your mama"? And will you please tell your readers to stop doing this?

GENTLE READER: What happened to "Ma'am" is that the age factor was injected into it from the recipient's side. Those who apparently consider it reprehensible to grow older, even as they are doing so, took it as an insult, rather than the indication of respect it actually is. (Royal females are correctly addressed as "Ma'am," whatever their age.)

In contrast, flinging around the hallowed terms denoting motherhood is disrespectful, Miss Manners agrees. Her own dear mother used a softer version of your retort to strangers, which she offers to you: "Surely if I were your mother, I would have remembered you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would I need to have a corsage for the guest of honor at a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: Because you phrased this as a "need," Miss Manners gathers that you would not intend giving it as a spontaneous and charming gesture. Rather, you are thinking of it as possibly required, as a badge to distinguish the guest of honor.

No, it is not necessary. At a baby shower, it is not difficult to distinguish the guest of honor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every so often, my mom -- with no small amount of soft soap -- will comment negatively on an aspect of my appearance (say, a hair extension). Do you think I should:

(A) play the respectful daughter and remove or change whatever it is; after all, how often do we see each other and what would it hurt me? OR,

(B) say, "Thank you for sharing," in the hope of discouraging this kind of behavior in future?

Our time with our parents is short, so I'm inclined to just make my mother happy. On the other hand, if I've turned myself out in something, usually I feel good in it.

GENTLE READER: May Miss Manners pick one from column A and one from column B?

From A, she would pick being a respectful daughter, but not changing merely because of the criticism; from B, saying just "Thank you," but not hoping to re-educate your mother. Being listened to should be sufficiently gratifying in itself, whether or not the advice is followed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to eat in bed?

GENTLE READER: Is there anyone else in that bed? If so, that person gets to respond, not Miss Manners. It's no crumbs in her sheets.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend has recently purchased a horse and has plans to obtain another very soon. Should one wait for the second purchase before throwing a horse-warming party?

Should such an event be held in a house or a barn, perhaps in a garden or paddock, if the weather is good enough? What would be a suitable gift?

GENTLE READER: Is the hope to warm the horse? In that case, a blanket seems the only fitting gift. And if he won't share, then another one for his friend.

As for venue, Miss Manners suggests it be wherever the horse(s) would feel most at home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have fallen into the habit of inviting myself to stay with my grandparents for periods of a week or more, and I'm concerned that they're too polite to tell me if I'm inconveniencing them.

I do a lot of research at an archive near where they live, and as a postgraduate student, I can't afford to pay for my own accommodations in the area, which is quite a distance from my university.

While I'm sure they're thrilled to get so many visits from their grandson, I can't help feeling guilty that I'm inconveniencing them by staying so long. They would never tell me if I was being a burden, and I can't help feeling a little exploitative, especially because I'm in the archive all day and can't spend a lot of time with them.

Do you have any advice on how to show the proper level of respect and gratitude when staying with relations? On the other hand, how far do familial obligations go in these situations? When does "It's no trouble" start meaning "You've overstayed your welcome"?

GENTLE READER: The advantage of being part of a close family is that one can be less formal with invitations. You have the privilege of asking your grandparents to stay, just as they have that of telling you when it is and is not convenient. If they insist that it is, then you may take them at their word.

But, Miss Manners warns, as you are family, you must act as such. You do not get to behave as a regular guest would, because a regular guest would wait for an invitation. Furthermore, as you are visiting with some frequency, you cannot expect your grandparents to put their lives on hold. Help out with chores when you can, make or treat them to an occasional meal, and above all, keep them apprised of your schedule so that they can make their own plans -- which may or may not include you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am recently divorced and now dating a woman who lives in another state. We text back and forth all day long, except when I am with family or friends.

I do not answer her calls or text when I am with other people because I think it is rude. If I do answer her texts, it is sporadic and with quick replies.

Obviously, she does not agree with me and thinks if I value her and our relationship, I would answer at any time, especially if I am with my family, so they will take our relationship seriously since I am recently divorced.

What are your thoughts about answering cellphones and texting while in the presence of others?

GENTLE READER: That if your lady friend does not occasionally look up from her telephone, she is going to run into something.

Miss Manners means this metaphorically. If your lady friend believes your relationship is serious, then presumably she is hoping you will one day live in the same state, possibly even in the same house. When that day comes, she will no longer find it charming to have you texting while a family member is speaking. Explaining that you would never think of texting while you are with her -- and that you extend the same courtesy to intimate friends and family -- may avert future collisions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mom does so much for me, and I would really like to thank her. She is especially hard to buy presents for, and since most of my money comes from her in the first place (I'm not old enough to work), buying her a gift she probably won't like seems pointless. She seems sad lately and I want to cheer her up.

I've started to help her cook, but since I am still learning, this creates even more work for her. I was wondering if you had any ideas for something thoughtful I could do to cheer her up and show her how grateful I am.

GENTLE READER: Write her a letter telling her about your gratitude and your love, with examples of incidents and occasions that were special to you, and that you will always remember. If Miss Manners is moved by this, she can only imagine how much your mother will be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to give a family member a laundered, used handkerchief? They are my mom's, who passed away last year. I was thinking of sending one to my aunt and cousin.

GENTLE READER: Passing on items owned by a departed loved one as keepsakes is a touching and long-standing tradition. Miss Manners endorses the practice, but would, in this context, tactfully avoid referring to them as "used."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)