Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a kind and yet firm comment that I can say to the person in line after me at the cash register, who invariably comes and stands next to my elbow while I'm using my credit/debit card?

I wish to say, "Back off, lady," or "Would you please get your nose out of my business?" But I simply can't confront people like that, and I know that it would be rude.

GENTLE READER: Take back your card and ask the cashier, "Is there any way we can cancel my transaction so this lady can go ahead of me? She appears to be in a hurry, and perhaps it's important."

Whether your interloper reacts with annoyance or proper embarrassment, Miss Manners assures you she will have taken a step back, during which time you may cancel your request and re-tender your payment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter gets so upset when strangers call her baby girl a boy because she has very little hair. She is dressed in pink girly clothes.

What would be a good response to these people who are oblivious to what she is wearing?

GENTLE READER: Here's one that your daughter will still be able to use (in a pleasant tone, Miss Manners hopes) in future years, when her daughter is wearing jeans and a boyfriend's sweatshirt: "She's a girl."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was hoping for some clarity on how to handle returning phone calls in this age of caller ID. My feeling is when I receive a missed call from an unknown caller, I am under no obligation to return the call if they do not leave a message.

My husband claims that due to the prevalence of caller ID, the missed call and residual phone number are message enough. Of course, if a known family member or friend calls, I will return their call without hesitation. This is really only in regards to unknown phone numbers.

GENTLE READER: Not every missed call is important, particularly in these days of relatively inexpensive long-distance rates and cellular telephones that make accidental calls seemingly on their own.

It is Miss Manners' conclusion that if a caller (even a known caller) does not leave a message, it is reasonable to assume it is because he or she had nothing -- or at least nothing pressing -- to say. Such non-calls may be returned or not at the receiver's pleasure.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a political appointee. At a dinner party recently where I was a guest, one of the other guests asked about a controversial policy issue relevant to my agency.

I attempted to answer factually, but this seemed to inflame the guest further (she had had quite a lot to drink already), and ended with her insisting that I was fabricating information and delivering propaganda. After the event, the other guests told me that they were appalled by her behavior.

What should one do in that circumstance, when the dinner party conversation is overtaken by a belligerent boor who accuses another guest of lying? Should the recipient of the insult have any particular response?

GENTLE READER: You didn't get much help there, did you? Apparently the hosts said nothing, and the guests only sympathized from a safe distance when it was over.

Miss Manners guesses that everyone was afraid to invoke the etiquette rule against discussing politics, religion or sex at social functions (except among people who are known to be in agreement or unfailingly polite). They know that someone is bound to ask witheringly, "Well, what are we supposed to talk about? The weather?"

No. Too controversial. Climate change is only too likely to provoke an emotional argument.

As the host did not say, "This is neither the time nor the place for this discussion," and the other guests did not quickly begin another topic, you should have done so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a college class this past semester, two or three of my classmates complained directly to the instructor about my smelly socks (because in class, I often remove my shoes to feel more relaxed).

While they had every right to file that complaint, should they not have politely asked me first to either sit far away from them or put my shoes on? (I eventually dropped the class for various reasons.) I honestly doubt that I look like a mean or scary guy, and if I react angrily to their polite and reasonable request, they have every right to either call campus police or tell the instructor.

A few years ago, a young woman sitting near me (in a different class) discreetly asked me to wear my shoes; I immediately complied, and sat far away from the rest of that class from that day on -- and heard no more complaints about my socks.

Besides, I haven't heard any similar complaints in my other college classes, and I have completed dozens and dozens of them (most of them were in real, not virtual, classrooms).

GENTLE READER: And what were the lessons to be learned from all this? Miss Manners is afraid that you were not paying attention.

The first lesson is that people find public shoelessness offensive. Not everyone, perhaps, but enough for you to realize that it is not safe to assume that no one will.

The second lesson is that polite people are understandably reluctant to offer criticism. They therefore prefer to complain through those who have the authority to correct the problem.

For extra credit, you might try finding comfortable shoes and washing your socks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I asked a neighbor/friend if I could "borrow" an egg. He was happy to oblige. I asked if he liked banana muffins, and he said that he did.

I just got back from delivering him a couple of banana muffins, fresh from the oven. Do I still owe him an egg?

GENTLE READER: Yes, because the egg was compromised. It was not returned in its original condition, having first been beaten and then baked. Miss Manners trusts that should you borrow a lawnmower, you won't return it in a similar state.

What you owe him now is the same sort of neighborliness when he is in need.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am giving a birthday party for my 3-year-old granddaughter who lives out of state. I'm expecting 50 guests. I just found out that my daughter and granddaughter unexpectedly cannot travel at this time.

I have all of the food prepared, games, loot bags, snow cone and cotton candy machines rented, etc. Do I cancel the party, or continue the party and mail the gifts to my granddaughter?

GENTLE READER: As opposed to keeping them for yourself?

Miss Manners sympathizes. Certainly, it is odd to have a birthday party without the guest of honor. You could explain the situation to your guests, inviting them to attend anyway, but not as a birthday party, just a festive multi-generational party. They might still bring presents, but if they don't, you have less time to spend at the post office.

Better yet, you could postpone the birthday party until your granddaughter does visit, and now throw a party at the nearest children's hospital.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I were parked at a store when a young woman pulled in next to us and parked in the empty disabled parking space. My friend confronted the woman and asked if she knew she was in a disabled space.

The woman replied with a curt "yes" and went about her business. She did not have a permit displayed. My friend then called the non-emergency police line to report the infraction.

I support her latter action. I feel that those who misuse these spaces ought to be reported to the correct authorities, who are in a much better position to assess whether or not it is an infraction.

However, I feel extremely uncomfortable about my friend confronting the woman. The woman was still getting out of the car, and I feel like my friend jumped on her for a perceived infraction. Although the woman in this case actually was parked illegally, she may just as easily have not been. She may have been fishing out her permit. My friend insists she did nothing wrong.

What is Miss Manners' opinion on this matter?

GENTLE READER: That citizen's arrests suffer from gratuitous brutality.

When you say that your friend "confronted" the other driver, Miss Manners doubts that you meant she said, "Excuse me, I'm afraid you don't realize that you need a permit to park here." Rather, it was probably something insulting that did not provide a face-saving retreat. A polite approach might have worked, where a brusque one did not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)