DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 13-year-old daughter goes to an elite prep school and gets invited to lots of swanky parties (lately bar and bat mitzvahs).

Our neighbor, my daughter's best friend since toddlerhood, goes to the local public school and spends lots of time at our house. I like her very much; however, the problem is my daughter thinks it is OK to "get her invited" to parties, which means she asks the child hosting the party if she can bring a friend.

I say this is crass and completely unacceptable. She says all the kids do it and that I am being mean to her BFF. These are no backyard BBQs, but rather grand affairs along the lines of a wedding.

How can I explain to my sweet child that this behavior puts the host in an uncomfortable position and is expensive to boot?

GENTLE READER: Evidently, the potential feelings of the host have not made an impression on your daughter. You may have to wait years for that -- until her wedding guests announce that they will be accompanied by their own guests.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners suggests that you point out that she is putting her friend in an uncomfortable position. Will the friend not be embarrassed to attend a party to which she was not willingly invited, and where, presumably, she does not know the host or many of the guests? Perhaps the hosts will be welcoming, but what if their manners are not up to that?

If your daughter is concerned about including her oldest and closest friend in the circle of her new friends, then she should throw a party herself and invite everyone. Perhaps, then, they will get to know one another, and her neighborhood friend will be legitimately invited to those parties.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few members of my women's social group were trying to convince me that it is all right for a hostess to put on a luncheon and charge each attendee just enough to cover her costs. They claim this is equivalent to a potluck -- after all, everyone would put money into their food items (not literally), so how could that be any different from just donating the money?

They were surprised that I did not think this was an acceptable idea -- "after all, other groups do it" -- but I was not able to explain the difference adequately and need Miss Manners' kind assistance.

GENTLE READER: There is another difference that would, as it were, make all the difference:

Is this a group in that you are all just friends, and from time to time one of you invites the others for lunch? Or is it an organized group on a schedule, with gatherings held at each of your houses in turn?

While Miss Manners agrees that it is unconscionable for an individual hostess to ask her guests for money, it is also an imposition for her to order food from them.

But in a cooperative group, the person in whose house it meets is not really a hostess in that sense. How responsibility is shared is then up to the group to decide.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My granddaughter has set a goal for herself of selling 300 boxes of cookies. Although it is a noble goal, I doubt if an 8-year-old can achieve this realistically.

She has asked me to purchase these cookies before, but, being a diabetic, I cannot eat them. I have explained that to her, but she thinks I should buy them anyway and give them away. I agreed to do that last year.

She is selling again this year, and I once again reminded her that I cannot eat them. She has now turned to other relatives for their support. I find that they are buying them, and some relatives have given them to me for Christmas or other occasions when they came to see me. I got the impression that they didn't want them either, so they were "re-gifting."

I hate to be such a Scrooge, but I am faced with a giant guilt trip if I don't buy these cookies. I'm beginning to get angry at even the sight of a cookie box.

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes. This is what Miss Manners calls Virtuous Rudeness, as practiced and taught by many otherwise worthy organizations and individuals.

Your granddaughter's goal hardly seems noble when it requires pressuring and embarrassing her relatives, even to the extent of ignoring her grandmother's health concerns. But she is 8 years old, and has been led to believe that this is what it means to be concerned about the welfare of others. By having gone along with this, you, too, have reinforced the idea that this technique is legitimate.

Presumably, the activity is intended to teach philanthropy, which is indeed a noble goal, and, incidentally, to teach salesmanship. You would be doing your granddaughter a favor to teach her that the proper way to promote charity is to engage people's sympathies in the cause that will benefit. It might also be valuable for her to learn that pressuring people to buy things they don't want is ultimately bad for business.

This will not be easy. The child has been garnering praise for doing the opposite, and may be aware that many adults do so as well. But it would be a noble goal to set.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my children is a very accomplished, high-profile woman. Since she went to high school in our community, her name is well-known here.

Many times, when I am introduced to strangers and they realize that I am her mother, they will say to me, "Please let me know when she is in town. I would really like to meet her."

How do I say politely, "Why do you think she would like to meet you?"

Of course, I don't say that, but I sure would like to. Can you suggest a pleasant way to get this message across?

GENTLE READER: Not that message. You would be doing your daughter no favor to be rude to her fans.

Rather, Miss Manners suggests that you thank them for their interest and say, with a sort of motherly helplessness, "Really, when she comes here, she wants to hibernate. Sometimes she makes a exception and sees a childhood friend, but that's about it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I were visiting friends last Friday night. Shortly after we arrived, I began feeling lightheaded, so I sat down on a stool at their kitchen island.

The next thing I knew, I was face down on their hardwood floor in a puddle of my own blood and vomit. 911 was called and I went to the hospital in the ambulance. I ended up with a 2-inch gash above my left eye, which required nine stitches.

The reason why I passed out and was nauseated was that my blood pressure fell dramatically, for which I am still trying to determine the reason.

What do you do for friends whose kitchen you turned into a biohazard area and who also cleaned up your mess? A card for such an occasion does not exist.

GENTLE READER: What would it say? "Friends like you make vomiting easy"?

Write a thank you note to your hosts for the visit, apologize for the mess and thank them for the clean-up. It would be gracious to offer to pay for any damage -- or you could just reciprocate by inviting them to pass out in your kitchen any time.

Ultimately, Miss Manners feels certain that any friends worth having will be more concerned about the state of your health than that of their floors.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got the following email and have no idea if/how I should respond. I've never gotten an un-invitation before.

"If you are receiving this email, it is because you hold a special place in my heart. ... I want to share some big news! As some of you may already know, my fiance proposed to me a few months ago. We have decided to get married at city hall!

"Since our relationship is far from traditional, we thought, 'Why not?!' We are head over heels in love ... so it feels right!

"Anyhow, for this special day we decided to have a very intimate dinner with our immediate family as well as the maid of honor/best man.

"I am writing for two reasons -- one is to share this exciting news! The other is that I do not want anyone's feelings to be hurt. There will be a big party; however, we need to save up our funds first! We expect the actual celebration to be in a year or two, depending on our financial situation.

"It has been great living together so far -- we are so excited to make it official and can't wait to celebrate with you in the future!"

Is this a new trend?

GENTLE READER: Bridal egotism and callousness have been with us for a long time, but there seem to be ever-new variations in expressing it.

To have a private wedding, with or without a delayed celebration, is not objectionable. But the assumption that others are hurt not to be invited to the ceremony is offensive, even in cases where it might be true.

Furthermore, Miss Manners is highly suspicious of a celebration that is so long delayed and so lavish that it requires long-term saving. That certainly suggests that putting on a show, and, no doubt, receiving material rewards, are more of a motivation than sharing the occasion.

You should treat this disagreeable communication as a wedding announcement and need send only congratulations on the marriage.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)