DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an American student doing my Ph.D. in Great Britain and working in a bookstore part-time. Over the last year, I have been insulted several times at work because of my nationality and American foreign policy.

My boss says I am allowed to say what I wish to those who offend me with these small-minded remarks, but I can't think of a response that will be polite and dignified. Can you suggest anything?

GENTLE READER: When your British boss suggested you say "what you wish," Miss Manners fears he did not have in mind something polite and dignified. She is grateful that you do.

This is not a discussion that once begun, ends well. Even if you disagree with the American policy in question, it would be disloyal to endorse anti-American sentiment. Yet if you disagree with the customer, you will be called cheeky or rude, probably with an additional anti-American sneer. The best response is, "Can I help you find something?" accompanied by a chilly smile.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother is 70 and plus-size, and the dress that she bought for my wedding is very elegant yet semi-plain. My fiance's mother is driving me nuts because she would like to wear a ballgown that is bigger than my dress and has a large amount of jewels and gems on the dress.

I believe that she should look elegant and subdued to match my mother's dress, but she feels she will look matronly. She wants to dress very fancy, but I believe that she is trying to purposely be the center of attention, therefore outshining my mother and also trying to pull attention off of me and onto her.

I know she wants to look good and she does look amazing for her age (51), but I believe this is not the appropriate place. I have talked to her several times and told her that I want her to look elegant and not brothel-esque. I told her no strapless and nothing with too much beading or sequins because she will make my mom look underdressed, and it will seem like the dress is over the top, and she keeps showing me the exact opposite.

Am I being a bridezilla or do I have any merit? How should I approach the situation?

GENTLE READER: By turning around. Instead of approaching, you should be backing off. As you are understandably worried about going over the bend, Miss Manners must tell you the danger signals.

One is believing that you are in total charge of costuming. You can set the standard of formality for your guests and hope for the best; you can state your wishes to the bridesmaids and hope that they consent. You may even be able to dictate to the bridegroom. But to attempt doing so to his mother is as impertinent as it is useless. She is an adult and will use her own judgment, good or bad.

An even worse sign is worrying that someone else will outshine you. There is unlikely to be an occasion in your life when you can be as sure of being the center of attention as at your wedding.

But is that really what will be foremost on your mind when you are being married?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a secretary at an English department. Somewhat to my surprise, we have been besieged by fringe "academics" who are very adamant that we are part of a conspiracy to cover up the fact that Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, was Shakespeare.

The professors understandably do not wish to waste their time on this. I personally think the "authorship question" is an incredibly stupid and classist one, but as I am not credentialed, just the person handling incoming general mail, I am not sure what to say.

GENTLE READER: Have you thought of responding that you are all wild-eyed revolutionaries, determined to suppress an aristocratic genius in favor of a plebeian hack?

No, Miss Manners supposes not. Conspiracy theorists are not known for their sense of humor, and inflaming them would only waste your own time.

These letters are not academic challenges; they are accusations. What you need is not a response, but a crank file.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With all the read-a-thons, walk-a-thons, bike-a-thons, bowl-a-thons, etc., I'm frequently asked to make donations and often do so. More often than not, the request is in the form of an email and a link to a website where I can make a donation.

For the past 15 years, I've been fundraising myself for a number of charities by participating in multiday bicycle rides. I send out letters and emails with requests for funds. When I get a donation, I make sure that I at least send an email to the donor. After the event, I write a letter recapping the event. I'm often complimented on the letter. I also bake goodies at Christmas to give to the donors I can easily reach.

Since I know the effort it takes to raise funds, I give donations to others, including people participating in the same event. I don't expect the same amount of effort I do in responding to my donors, but I'm always a bit disappointed when I don't have my gift acknowledged.

Last year I made a donation to another high-profile rider who sent out an email asking for donations since he was having problems raising the minimum. I responded, and noticed later that he went way beyond the minimum required to participate. I'm certain he was notified of my donation, since the ride sends out emails to the participants when they receive a gift. We saw each other several times while on the ride and he said nothing.

Finally, I approached him and told him, "You're welcome." His response was along the lines that he sends out all thank-yous at one time after the ride. I never got one.

Am I assuming too much when I expect some form of acknowledgment from the participant when I make a donation?

GENTLE READER: The dark side of philanthropy is the widespread notion that being charitable excuses one from practicing other virtues.

A frankly taught technique of charitable fundraising is causing embarrassment. And if it weren't organizations being required to acknowledge donations for tax purposes, donors would hear nothing from their beneficiaries except repeated requests for more.

Miss Manners is sorry to find that you are not only the victim of this attitude, but also a perpetrator. Your donation did not excuse the rudeness of confronting the recipient with his ingratitude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a relative and her children came over to dinner, the children didn't like one particular dish they were served. When they asked their mother if they could be excused without eating it, she instructed them to bring it to me and say, "This is not to my taste."

It was clear that the mother felt she was teaching them polite company manners, but I was baffled. I would have been more comfortable if they had simply left the uneaten food without comment.

What is the correct thing for children (and adults) to do when they do not want to eat what they have been served?

GENTLE READER: What did the mother expect you to do? Take it back and apologize for the bad service?

Of course they should have been instructed -- preferably before they went out to dinner -- simply to leave the food uneaten and say nothing. Miss Manners gathers that the mother believes that the purpose of manners is to demonstrate consideration for oneself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I are debating about proper eating manners such as:

(1) Do I have to keep my mouth shut while chewing my food?

(2) Can I keep both or one elbow on the table while I eat?

GENTLE READER: And here are two questions that Miss Manners asks you to consider:

(1) Do you want to have a happy marriage?

(2) Are you really interested in knowing how many mealtimes of watching you eat crudely (and remembering that you would not grant a simple request to improve) it will take to affect your fiancee's romantic feelings?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 6-year-old son, and my husband's brother has a 1-year-old boy. We live in two different countries. Still, we meet every year when we visit my mother-in-law, as they live with her.

They named their son my boy's name. I was so devastated to hear that, and I gently told his wife how I feel. But her husband and elder daughter and even my mother-in-law won't allow a change.

Both kids always get confused to hear the name, and I feel so sad every time I tell mine, "It's not you." My mother-in-law always is on the other brother's side and doesn't care about my son at all. Last vacation I didn't stay there for long as I cannot stand the ego of these people.

Am I overreacting? I am learning to ignore and live with it. Still, please let me know how would you handle a situation like this.

GENTLE READER: If the cousin is already a year old, it's unlikely his family will change what they call him to appease relatives whom they only see once a year.

However, Miss Manners has heard that children often acquire nicknames. Perhaps you can invent one for your nephew. If you make it charming and affectionate enough, it may catch on.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)