DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a secretary at an English department. Somewhat to my surprise, we have been besieged by fringe "academics" who are very adamant that we are part of a conspiracy to cover up the fact that Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, was Shakespeare.

The professors understandably do not wish to waste their time on this. I personally think the "authorship question" is an incredibly stupid and classist one, but as I am not credentialed, just the person handling incoming general mail, I am not sure what to say.

GENTLE READER: Have you thought of responding that you are all wild-eyed revolutionaries, determined to suppress an aristocratic genius in favor of a plebeian hack?

No, Miss Manners supposes not. Conspiracy theorists are not known for their sense of humor, and inflaming them would only waste your own time.

These letters are not academic challenges; they are accusations. What you need is not a response, but a crank file.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With all the read-a-thons, walk-a-thons, bike-a-thons, bowl-a-thons, etc., I'm frequently asked to make donations and often do so. More often than not, the request is in the form of an email and a link to a website where I can make a donation.

For the past 15 years, I've been fundraising myself for a number of charities by participating in multiday bicycle rides. I send out letters and emails with requests for funds. When I get a donation, I make sure that I at least send an email to the donor. After the event, I write a letter recapping the event. I'm often complimented on the letter. I also bake goodies at Christmas to give to the donors I can easily reach.

Since I know the effort it takes to raise funds, I give donations to others, including people participating in the same event. I don't expect the same amount of effort I do in responding to my donors, but I'm always a bit disappointed when I don't have my gift acknowledged.

Last year I made a donation to another high-profile rider who sent out an email asking for donations since he was having problems raising the minimum. I responded, and noticed later that he went way beyond the minimum required to participate. I'm certain he was notified of my donation, since the ride sends out emails to the participants when they receive a gift. We saw each other several times while on the ride and he said nothing.

Finally, I approached him and told him, "You're welcome." His response was along the lines that he sends out all thank-yous at one time after the ride. I never got one.

Am I assuming too much when I expect some form of acknowledgment from the participant when I make a donation?

GENTLE READER: The dark side of philanthropy is the widespread notion that being charitable excuses one from practicing other virtues.

A frankly taught technique of charitable fundraising is causing embarrassment. And if it weren't organizations being required to acknowledge donations for tax purposes, donors would hear nothing from their beneficiaries except repeated requests for more.

Miss Manners is sorry to find that you are not only the victim of this attitude, but also a perpetrator. Your donation did not excuse the rudeness of confronting the recipient with his ingratitude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a relative and her children came over to dinner, the children didn't like one particular dish they were served. When they asked their mother if they could be excused without eating it, she instructed them to bring it to me and say, "This is not to my taste."

It was clear that the mother felt she was teaching them polite company manners, but I was baffled. I would have been more comfortable if they had simply left the uneaten food without comment.

What is the correct thing for children (and adults) to do when they do not want to eat what they have been served?

GENTLE READER: What did the mother expect you to do? Take it back and apologize for the bad service?

Of course they should have been instructed -- preferably before they went out to dinner -- simply to leave the food uneaten and say nothing. Miss Manners gathers that the mother believes that the purpose of manners is to demonstrate consideration for oneself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I are debating about proper eating manners such as:

(1) Do I have to keep my mouth shut while chewing my food?

(2) Can I keep both or one elbow on the table while I eat?

GENTLE READER: And here are two questions that Miss Manners asks you to consider:

(1) Do you want to have a happy marriage?

(2) Are you really interested in knowing how many mealtimes of watching you eat crudely (and remembering that you would not grant a simple request to improve) it will take to affect your fiancee's romantic feelings?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 6-year-old son, and my husband's brother has a 1-year-old boy. We live in two different countries. Still, we meet every year when we visit my mother-in-law, as they live with her.

They named their son my boy's name. I was so devastated to hear that, and I gently told his wife how I feel. But her husband and elder daughter and even my mother-in-law won't allow a change.

Both kids always get confused to hear the name, and I feel so sad every time I tell mine, "It's not you." My mother-in-law always is on the other brother's side and doesn't care about my son at all. Last vacation I didn't stay there for long as I cannot stand the ego of these people.

Am I overreacting? I am learning to ignore and live with it. Still, please let me know how would you handle a situation like this.

GENTLE READER: If the cousin is already a year old, it's unlikely his family will change what they call him to appease relatives whom they only see once a year.

However, Miss Manners has heard that children often acquire nicknames. Perhaps you can invent one for your nephew. If you make it charming and affectionate enough, it may catch on.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One sends out an RSVP invitation with a specific deadline, and then, because of poor response, the hosts want to cancel. Obviously the regrets do not need to be notified. Those accepting the invitation should be notified.

A topic of debate within my household: Is the host under any obligation to notify those who did not respond?

GENTLE READER: Your implicit frustration with those who do not respond to invitations would normally find a sympathetic listener in Miss Manners.

But she finds herself wondering instead about the "poor response" you cite in justification of revoking an invitation that has been both issued and, in some cases, accepted. To these people the host owes an apology, an explanation and, ideally, a replacement invitation.

Given how many people are in the habit of attending events to which they did not respond, it would be wise to warn the non-responders as well, lest they appear on your doorstep expecting to be fed. In fact, you do not need to offer to feed them ever again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a dinner party hosted by my law school professor. It was on a Thursday evening and the invitation said dress was casual. I, and other students, wore jeans and a casual shirt.

I overheard the host discussing our outfits as uncouth and that we should have been wearing "business casual" attire. I was embarrassed and put on my cardigan.

Was I wrong for dressing casual? Should I have interpreted a dinner party "casual" to mean business attire?

GENTLE READER: Has the factor of context never come up in your law classes? Or the question of what the understanding of a reasonable person would be?

Actually, nobody knows the meaning of "casual." As far as Miss Manners can tell -- and she is as reasonable as one can reasonably be -- it merely tells people that they don't have to make any effort they don't feel like making. So some feel like making the effort to look polished, and some don't feel like making much of an effort, if any. Certainly, a reasonable student would interpret "casual" as meaning jeans.

But your professor seems to have trouble understanding context. Correcting students when they are taking his courses is his job. Disparaging his guests when he has invited them to a party is rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just turned 12, and my friends were very nice, brought balloons, cookies, etc., to school. The next day, several of them asked me what I had gotten for my birthday.

I told them the truth -- that it had been a pretty busy night and I hadn't opened them yet -- but I couldn't help but think that the question was a little tactless.

What if, in this economy, my parents couldn't afford a lot of presents? It seems almost parallel to adults asking each other how much money they make. Am I wrong for thinking this, and what would be an appropriate response in the future?

GENTLE READER: The difference is that your friends are not really asking for the complete catalog you are envisioning. Miss Manners assures you that they are expressing a conventional interest that can be answered with a conventional response: Express enthusiasm for all the wonderful gifts and name one, without suggesting that it is the best.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)