DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to an interview for a part-time job wearing an expensive blazer and blouse, heels, good jewelry and makeup, along with a pair of classically tailored denim trousers -- not jeans.

The administrative assistant met me at the door with a full-bodied scream -- I do not exaggerate -- "You're wearing jeans! Mr. X. hates jeans."

I was somewhat taken aback, but I said calmly, "If you have a company dress code, I shall tell him that, if hired, I shall certainly comply with it."

Her response was to tell me that I could not interview that day and to come back when I was dressed differently. I left feeling confused and insulted. I was not told to wear specific clothes to the interview, and I certainly looked professional; I am 60 years old and a college professor.

My thoughts are that if this company did not want to hire me, that was entirely up to them, but to treat me this way was incredibly discourteous. Am I wrong to feel this way?

GENTLE READER: You are not, Miss Manners assumes, asking her to understand the distinction between denim trousers and jeans, even if Praxiteles himself did the alterations.

But perhaps she can help by sharing her suspicion that the administrative assistant may not have been acting with the full support of her boss and company. As you say, why would the company encourage such behavior?

If Miss Manners is correct, you might have a different problem, namely that the assistant, surprised at your compliance, neglected to mention to her boss not just your apparel, but your appearance. A written note to the boss explaining that you were sorry to be turned away from the interview should result in his either chastising the assistant or -- if she was transmitting his orders -- thanking her for sparing him the sight of denim.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and her boyfriend eloped in Hawaii. His mother is on the East Coast and I'm on the West Coast. I've never met her, and I'd like to send her a card saying how sweet I think her son is and how happy I am for them ... along with congratulating the two new mothers-in-law!

I asked my daughter for her address, and she told me it would be too "weird" to write her. I'd love receiving a card from her! Do I need to catch up with this new generation?

GENTLE READER: "Weird"? To express good will to someone whom your daughter has brought into the family? You now have a relationship with this lady, and Miss Manners encourages you to welcome her, as well as to explain to your daughter that marriages unite two families.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A business associate, a lawyer in our firm, passed away. The cases that he was working on have been reassigned to my boss.

When is it appropriate to ask his staff to give me the files and discuss the cases with me? He passed away over the weekend and the funeral is today.

GENTLE READER: Mourning etiquette has recognized shades of gray for longer than it has clothed itself in black and (for children) white.

Those closest to the deceased are expected to grieve the most and need the greatest time to recover. Business associates at the office are presumed to be at the opposite end of a spectrum, able to carry on necessary business.

Shocking and upsetting as the loss may be to the staff of the deceased, etiquette does not require a waiting period before one can request the files, though Miss Manners would suggest not doing so on the day of the funeral.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have discussed with our children sending them to "Manners Camp." Despite our efforts, our children do not have the best manners.

GENTLE READER: If there is ever a case for home schooling, plus home camping, this is it.

No one is more aware than Miss Manners that there is major remedial work to be done in instilling manners in succeeding generations. Administering this is what keeps her from a pleasantly quiet life on the porch swing.

But she is the first to admit that manners, the principles of civilized behavior, and etiquette, the customs of one's own society, are too complex to be learned in one gulp. Like language, manners are more or less painlessly absorbed from childhood, not only through instruction, but through daily example and practice. Also like language, they are harder to master as an adult, which is when one is more likely to see the need.

Miss Manners is therefore immensely grateful to parents like you who are making the effort. She also understands that it is a long, sometimes discouraging process, and the idea of outsourcing it for a quick fix is tempting.

But as there is no quick fix, your discouragement is premature. Child-rearing takes a couple of decades, but is about as rewarding a pursuit as exists, and the greatest boon you can give to the child and to civilization.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for an ex-spouse going to the other's home unannounced?

GENTLE READER: The same ban on unauthorized drop-ins prevails as for any non-resident of the house. And more so, Miss Manners notes, if the other ex-spouse has taken out a restraining order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I visited a home, last occupied in the early 1900s, which has been turned into a museum. In the formal dining room, they had set the table with china and silver from that time period.

What was odd, however, was that the knives and spoons were on the left side and the napkins and forks were on the right side. They also put the pickle forks with the salad and dinner forks.

I'm guessing that was just to show the pretty silverware. The museum guide didn't know why the table had been set that way, since she didn't know it was wrong. She said she would ask the curator.

I was wondering if you know if that was the proper way to set a table around the turn of the century, or did someone just get confused?

GENTLE READER: Confused, or sadly ignorant of the most basic and traditional dining habits of our own society. Miss Manners has observed similarly mis-set tables in several museums, and fears that the curators are unaware of how people behaved, and of how embarrassed they would have been at this sloppiness.

Eating habits have changed over the centuries and vary among societies. The biggest early 20th-century change in regard to flatware was that the great variety of specialized eating instruments that appeared in the late Victorian era began disappearing during World War I, melted down for the silver content.

But no, the surviving forks and knives did not jump over the plates to change places.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a Caucasian man and my wife is Chinese. Often when I am out with our daughter but not my wife, strangers will ask questions like, "Where did you get your daughter?"

What is a good reply? I usually just try to look confused by the question and joke, "In the usual way."

GENTLE READER: Although amused by your joke, Miss Manners finds herself urging you to amend it. These impertinent strangers are presuming an adoption, and you surely don't mean to imply that adopting a child is unusual.

Perhaps you might want to try, "I'm sure your family wouldn't want you to be picking up information from strangers on the street about where babies come from."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My pearl earrings are simple and classic, but they dangle from small gold hooks. Are they still proper to wear at a funeral?

I ask because my mother is passing, and as I am not a family favorite by any means, the last few months have been quite difficult. The funeral promises worse.

It would be nice to know I am at least correctly attired from an official perspective. If I wear no jewelry, I will be considered "frumpy" and disrespectful. If I wear the wrong jewelry, I will be "flashy'" and disrespectful, which is probably worse. It would mean a lot to me to know exactly where the lines of propriety are.

GENTLE READER: Plain pearl earrings (Miss Manners gathers that yours are not the long, swingy sort that should be reserved for evening parties) are beyond ordinary reproach when worn with black clothes to a funeral. But as your relatives are determined to get you, one way or the other, she cannot promise you immunity from the nasty nitpicking that they apparently consider respectful behavior at a funeral.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's hobby is building model airplanes, ships and automobiles. A few weeks ago, a friend dropped in with her 3-year-old granddaughter. My husband had been working on a model and the materials were spread out on the kitchen table. Glue and paint were drying.

My friend asked me to put the materials away because they were not "kid-friendly." I told her my husband had gone out and I did not want to disturb his fragile project, so we should visit another day. Even though I was sincerely polite, she left in a huff and is now telling other friends how rude I was.

Miss Manners, was I rude?

GENTLE READER: Well, there does seem to be a bit of childish behavior here, on the part of everyone except the actual child.

Since your friend "dropped in," it was presumptuous of her to think that she could set the terms of the visit. And the term "kid-friendly" strikes Miss Manners as implying that your husband is a monster for pursuing his own hobby in his own house.

Still, your solution was a bit drastic. Were there no other rooms or outdoor areas in which to visit? It should take more of a rampage for a guest to be thrown out of the house.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)