DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father-in-law passed away due to complications he suffered as a result of a fall. He had been on life support and made the decision to be removed and placed in hospice care.

We knew the day and hour. The family gathered at his bedside to say their farewells. It was a moment fraught with much emotion, but even in the midst of it all, I couldn't help noticing and wondering at the different apparel people chose to wear to this vigil.

I wore a dark-colored skirt and shirt. My husband wore jeans and a plain T-shirt. My mother-in-law had on dark dress slacks and a blouse. My brother-in-law had on a college T-shirt and shorts with sandals, and his wife also wore shorts with sandals. Their (grown) daughter had on a short summer dress.

I don't know what is correct to wear at a time like this. I went with what I might wear to church, since it seemed like a time to be solemn and respectful. Was I correct?

Should I not be worrying about people's clothes at a time like this? What is your advice on what to wear to a deathbed vigil?

GENTLE READER: These are very different questions, and Miss Manners will answer the most important one first.

No, you should not be criticizing what others were wearing at such a time. People do naturally focus on details then, oddly enough. It may be a way of distracting themselves from the awfulness of death. But please put this out of your mind. Many a family feud has started over minor issues in funeral behavior, and it is a poor legacy for the deceased.

That said, Miss Manners does believe in the symbolic value of clothing as a means of showing sorrow and respect at a funeral. And your husband's T shirt and jeans would not qualify, however much your church recognizes this as solemn dress.

Yet this was not a funeral. Your father-in-law was, at least when you arrived, still alive, perhaps even somewhat conscious. Your relatives probably did not think of dressing other than for another hospital visit. And if they did, they may have concluded that it would be jarring for him to see the family in mourning.

You asked what would be correct dress. Miss Manners has had to consult centuries-old paintings showing the deathbeds of saints, where those gathered around seem to be dressed pretty much in the ordinary style of their day. But then, those may not be typical cases.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please confirm that if one is given a gift of earrings, it is bad taste to ask the gifter to get a size larger.

GENTLE READER: You are not talking about someone who has such huge ears that earrings keep disappearing inside them, so larger earrings are needed, Miss Manners gathers.

Even then, the rule would apply that it is rude to complain about a present and to expect the donor to change it, let alone upgrade it. So yes, it is in bad taste to ask for another helping of carats.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece is suddenly taking an interest in our family genealogy, but I wish she wouldn't. She is 20, doing well in college, and never seemed to have self-esteem issues.

A few generations ago, we descended from a prominent French family who are still leaders in business and government. The relation who emigrated to the United States made a new life, shortened his name and did not emphasize his ancestry. We, including my niece's parents and grandparents, are self-made people who never inflated our own importance -- we don't even know any specifics predating the immigration, so we have no details to give her.

This niece has decided to visit France and look up her "cousins." I've tried to dissuade her. She is sure to be hurt and disappointed, for I can't imagine a French diplomat giving more than a perfunctory welcome, if that, to a foreign stranger who arrives out of the blue and claims a connection. It's so intrusive.

My suggestion that she research her ancestry through a library without bothering individuals is falling on deaf ears. She continues to be enthusiastic and determined. Recently, she discovered a castle with the family name and is telling friends that she is related to French "royalty." She chooses to ignore our many blue-collar ancestors.

If she were just having fun looking up the past, I would not be concerned. I love my niece, but her intention to present herself to these distant relatives disturbs me. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Waiting quietly to see how this plays out -- not that you have any other choice. Miss Manners appreciates your distaste for snobbery and your family's pride in self-achievement, but your niece is an adult and must develop her values for herself.

You have no way of knowing how these people will treat her, if, indeed, she can manage to see them. (Whatever their nationality, people who hold high government positions or are rich know how to protect themselves from strangers who claim to be long-lost relatives.) In that case, or if they just snub her, as you imagine, she may be cured of her princess fantasy.

Another possibility is that they may die laughing at her belief that having their name on a castle, which may or may not be in the family's possession, means that they are royal.

But suppose they are welcoming? If they are, as you say, prominent in government and business, your niece will get a whole new lesson in respect for personal achievement. Aristocrats are not assured a free ride in the modern world, and she may well learn about New World values from the Old World.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we're out, my husband places his cloth napkin over his plate when he is finished eating. Is this ever proper? It doesn't bother me, but I am just curious.

GENTLE READER: Has your husband confused this situation with the custom of drawing a sheet over a dead body for decency's sake? Miss Manners is just curious.

What dining decency requires instead is that he spare the waiter and the person who does the laundry from dealing with the mess that that must make.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After our divorce, my ex and I stayed very close friends -- honestly, best friends. He passed away in December. Even though I was his ex-wife, the family still looked to me to arrange everything.

I'd lost my engagement ring a few years after our divorce. Well, two weeks ago, I was cleaning out an old purse and found my engagement ring. It means so much more to me now. I had it cleaned and planned on wearing it. I also decided to have an inscription put on my wedding band with his name and his dates of birth and death. I want to wear the rings. He gave them to me.

I've had a few different opinions from friends. Some say it's sweet, but wear it on my right hand. One said don't wear the band and wear the engagement ring on my right hand. Others have said that since we were divorced, even though we were still friends and loved each other, I lost the right to wear them after the divorce.

GENTLE READER: Ladies are conditioned to notice one another's rings, as it would be churlish not to exclaim admiringly when a friend has a new sparkle on her finger (and in her eye). But it appears that many of them don't know when to stop.

Usually it is widows who tell Miss Manners that their friends have announced opposition to their continuing to wear their marriage rings. Yours is an unusual case, but the idea is the same.

Such friends do not argue the obvious point that prospective suitors (whom they may not even want) could assume that the widows are still married. Rather, it is declared, as you were told, that they have "no right" to wear such rings.

What can be the motives of such so-called friends, Miss Manners cannot imagine. But they are wrong. As long as you have not stolen these rings, you have the right to wear them as you wish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My local mall is very nice. It is quiet, tranquil, and has great prices. However, the people who work in some of the stores are extremely rude. If I do not enter the store in designer clothing and tote a status purse, I am plagued by rude and snooty employees.

It is a shame, because most of the stores have wonderful sales that a savvy shopper such as myself would hate to miss. Is there a way for me to address the employees if I am confronted again?

GENTLE READER: It is not only because these people are rude to you that they are bad at their job. Apparently they are so out of touch as to believe that rich people still dress up to go shopping.

You could try to shame them by asking politely, "Excuse me, did I do something wrong?" But rude people are notoriously oblivious to shame, so Miss Manners believes you would do better by talking calmly to the manager -- not about your clothes, but about your being treated rudely for whatever reason.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)