DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece is suddenly taking an interest in our family genealogy, but I wish she wouldn't. She is 20, doing well in college, and never seemed to have self-esteem issues.

A few generations ago, we descended from a prominent French family who are still leaders in business and government. The relation who emigrated to the United States made a new life, shortened his name and did not emphasize his ancestry. We, including my niece's parents and grandparents, are self-made people who never inflated our own importance -- we don't even know any specifics predating the immigration, so we have no details to give her.

This niece has decided to visit France and look up her "cousins." I've tried to dissuade her. She is sure to be hurt and disappointed, for I can't imagine a French diplomat giving more than a perfunctory welcome, if that, to a foreign stranger who arrives out of the blue and claims a connection. It's so intrusive.

My suggestion that she research her ancestry through a library without bothering individuals is falling on deaf ears. She continues to be enthusiastic and determined. Recently, she discovered a castle with the family name and is telling friends that she is related to French "royalty." She chooses to ignore our many blue-collar ancestors.

If she were just having fun looking up the past, I would not be concerned. I love my niece, but her intention to present herself to these distant relatives disturbs me. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Waiting quietly to see how this plays out -- not that you have any other choice. Miss Manners appreciates your distaste for snobbery and your family's pride in self-achievement, but your niece is an adult and must develop her values for herself.

You have no way of knowing how these people will treat her, if, indeed, she can manage to see them. (Whatever their nationality, people who hold high government positions or are rich know how to protect themselves from strangers who claim to be long-lost relatives.) In that case, or if they just snub her, as you imagine, she may be cured of her princess fantasy.

Another possibility is that they may die laughing at her belief that having their name on a castle, which may or may not be in the family's possession, means that they are royal.

But suppose they are welcoming? If they are, as you say, prominent in government and business, your niece will get a whole new lesson in respect for personal achievement. Aristocrats are not assured a free ride in the modern world, and she may well learn about New World values from the Old World.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we're out, my husband places his cloth napkin over his plate when he is finished eating. Is this ever proper? It doesn't bother me, but I am just curious.

GENTLE READER: Has your husband confused this situation with the custom of drawing a sheet over a dead body for decency's sake? Miss Manners is just curious.

What dining decency requires instead is that he spare the waiter and the person who does the laundry from dealing with the mess that that must make.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After our divorce, my ex and I stayed very close friends -- honestly, best friends. He passed away in December. Even though I was his ex-wife, the family still looked to me to arrange everything.

I'd lost my engagement ring a few years after our divorce. Well, two weeks ago, I was cleaning out an old purse and found my engagement ring. It means so much more to me now. I had it cleaned and planned on wearing it. I also decided to have an inscription put on my wedding band with his name and his dates of birth and death. I want to wear the rings. He gave them to me.

I've had a few different opinions from friends. Some say it's sweet, but wear it on my right hand. One said don't wear the band and wear the engagement ring on my right hand. Others have said that since we were divorced, even though we were still friends and loved each other, I lost the right to wear them after the divorce.

GENTLE READER: Ladies are conditioned to notice one another's rings, as it would be churlish not to exclaim admiringly when a friend has a new sparkle on her finger (and in her eye). But it appears that many of them don't know when to stop.

Usually it is widows who tell Miss Manners that their friends have announced opposition to their continuing to wear their marriage rings. Yours is an unusual case, but the idea is the same.

Such friends do not argue the obvious point that prospective suitors (whom they may not even want) could assume that the widows are still married. Rather, it is declared, as you were told, that they have "no right" to wear such rings.

What can be the motives of such so-called friends, Miss Manners cannot imagine. But they are wrong. As long as you have not stolen these rings, you have the right to wear them as you wish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My local mall is very nice. It is quiet, tranquil, and has great prices. However, the people who work in some of the stores are extremely rude. If I do not enter the store in designer clothing and tote a status purse, I am plagued by rude and snooty employees.

It is a shame, because most of the stores have wonderful sales that a savvy shopper such as myself would hate to miss. Is there a way for me to address the employees if I am confronted again?

GENTLE READER: It is not only because these people are rude to you that they are bad at their job. Apparently they are so out of touch as to believe that rich people still dress up to go shopping.

You could try to shame them by asking politely, "Excuse me, did I do something wrong?" But rude people are notoriously oblivious to shame, so Miss Manners believes you would do better by talking calmly to the manager -- not about your clothes, but about your being treated rudely for whatever reason.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I fear I have committed an egregious error at a small restaurant that I order from about once or twice a month.

I waited at the counter as the waitress gathered my order, which totaled $16.80. I paid a gentleman, who turned out to be the restaurant owner, $20. I was feeling generous this day, since I noticed that the same waitress works both the tables and the counter. He returned with my change, to which I added an extra $5.

Well, the owner asked if I knew what the correct amount of my order was. I explained that I did. He then proceeded to tell me that I had given too much.

I explained that I was trying to give a tip. He then returned my $5. All this occurred in front of both staff and patrons. I hurriedly took my order and left.

When I reached my car, I found the owner coming down the street after me. Again, he explained that I had given too much and he felt bad taking my money.

I, again, explained myself, now totally embarrassed by the now two public scenes that I was involved in.

I turn to Miss Manners to help me make sense of this situation and how I can better handle it if it occurs again. By the way, I think it will be a very long time before I patronize this restaurant again.

GENTLE READER: Then give Miss Manners the address. She would love to meet a business owner who is too proud to accept a tip.

True, he might have gone about refusing it in a quieter way. And she understands that nowadays, when greed is so rampant that one is more likely to be embarrassed by loud demands for tips, you may not even know that one is not supposed to tip the owner. Many business owners have been trying to suppress this bit of etiquette information.

But it is a shame for you to have to give up a favorite restaurant over this misunderstanding. You could clear it up by returning and telling the owner that you had intended the tip for the hard-working waitress, not for him, but would respect a no-tipping policy if you knew about it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I disagree with my wife regarding not replying for a wedding invitation. She has a friend whom she has known since college, which was 20 years ago. She has told her over the phone that we will be attending her wedding. She also informed her that we already bought plane tickets so we will definitely be attending.

With all of this knowledge, is it rude not to respond to the invitation by not sending in the RSVP, since her friend already knows that we will be attending?

GENTLE READER: Do you have a daughter who might someday marry? Because at that time, when you say, "OK, tell me all the people who have said yes, and who have said no," your wife will understand.

But who knows how many people she will have driven crazy by then. Much rudeness is committed by people who are unable to put themselves in others' places.

If you are unable to convince your wife of the necessity to do her old friend this courtesy, Miss Manners asks you to write the response yourself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)