DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my mid-50s and one of my sisters is in her early 60s. She recently emailed me an invitation to her "wedding" to her female partner. They have lived together for about 19 years.

I have no intention of attending. My quandary is how to decline the invitation. I want to be honest. I want to be polite. I see no way to be politely honest.

If I try to be polite and lie, then wouldn't good manners require me to send a gift? I don't see how I can be honest and not upset her. Should I just ignore the email and remain silent and ignore the invitation?

GENTLE READER: If you are so concerned with being honest, why aren't you frank about asking Miss Manners how to use your sister's wedding invitation to insult her and her fiancee without getting caught?

A wedding invitation is not a referendum on the marriage. The only thing it requires you to say honestly is whether you plan to attend. There is no excuse for ignoring it or replying rudely. Miss Manners assures you that if your sister does not already know that you disapprove of her marriage, your absence will make that clear. And no, you needn't send a present.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a woman who is pregnant with my first child and due in a few days, I am curious if there are guidelines in place for relatives respecting one's privacy during delivery.

For the past several days now, I have received a constant stream of texts, emails and phone calls from family members wanting to know if "anything had happened."

While I understand their curiosity is well-intentioned, it has become a bit invasive. If I do not immediately respond to a text message, I am bombarded with phone calls wondering if I am in labor. If I were in labor, do these relatives expect me to stop pushing and answer their call?

My husband and I have told them several times we will certainly call them once our son is born. Is this not acceptable? Has modern technology ruined the privacy expectant parents so desperately need?

Before the dawn of cellphones I highly doubt the hospital would patch a call through to a delivery room while mom was in the process of giving birth ... so I ask, what is the proper etiquette for letting family know that baby has arrived?

GENTLE READER: Actually, they know that the baby has not yet been born, and that they will hear when it happens. This is their way of showing interest -- which doesn't make it any less exasperating for you.

A pregnant lady of Miss Manners' acquaintance complained tearfully to her husband that people kept coming up to her and saying, "Haven't you had that baby YET?" He made her a small placard with a pretty picture of an apple tree and the words, "When the apple is ripe, it will fall from the tree."

On the other side, which she would then turn, it said, "So please be patient."

Well, no, truthfully it said, "So shut up," but Miss Manners cannot bring herself to recommend that when she offers it to you as a rote response for return messages.

As for the delivery room, she suggests that you not bring your cellphone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an aspiring street magician. I have very much enjoyed the idea of public performance since I was very young. However, I must admit I am a socially awkward individual at times, due in part to being overly cautious of social niceties.

Once I have taken to performing on the streets, how would you recommend I approach potential observers, if at all? I simply must know!

GENTLE READER: That is not a calling for the timid, Miss Manners would think, nor for anyone who is easily discouraged. Yet it could bring you the satisfaction of seeing that your talents have brought a bit of brightness to others.

There is a great deal of competition out there, although not exactly from people who want to entertain. Others who are selling, begging or recruiting for a cause may be competing for the attention of passers-by -- many of whom have learned to plow through the streets with their heads down to avoid being targeted.

So beyond meeting whatever requirements and restrictions your city has in order to permit you to perform in public, you must appear to be giving, rather than asking. Miss Manners would think that if you perform your tricks as if you are having a merry time simply amusing yourself, and yet shoot a mischievous smile at anyone who turns your way, you will capture their attention through charm.

But then, perhaps you should ask a professional. Miss Manners has never worked the streets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband died of lung cancer last September. He was 55 and very healthy until the cancer took over; he died 11 months later. My problem is with people who hear what my husband died of and then shout out how many years they have been cancer-free, totally ignoring my loss to talk about their victory.

I know ex-patients are encouraged to talk about their survival, but it's galling to be subjected to it over and over. What can I say to make them understand their rants about their success hurt without my being rude?

GENTLE READER: Do those who encourage ex-patients to talk about their survival -- or who follow such advice -- consider taking other people's feelings into account? Apparently not, among the people you have unfortunately encountered.

Miss Manners trusts that you would not be so cruel as to tell them about people who had recurrences of cancer after as many years, much as they have invited such talk. Rather, she suggests that you say tersely, "Congratulations. My husband was not so fortunate."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I recently became engaged. It is the first marriage for me at age 48. In thinking over a guest list, which I would like to remain intimate, I realize that many of my close female friends have boyfriends or husbands I have rarely or never met. Am I obligated to invite these partners to the wedding?

GENTLE READER: Only if you also omit the bridegroom, on the grounds that people who have rarely or never met him would not care to be in his company just because you happen to be marrying him.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude for a man to ask a woman during a first date, "Do you know how to cook?" or "Are you a good cook?"

I have just turned 30 and prefer to date men in their late 30s or early 40s, but find it incredibly rude when this is one of their first questions to me. I seldom cook and cooking is never on the forefront of my mind or on my to-do list, but I am a good cook.

I understand men are looking for a wife and a "good wife" cooks and cleans, but I would never ask a man early on, "How much money do you make?" simply because I am looking for a man who makes a good living. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Being often accused of living in a different era, Miss Manners is loath to suggest that about anyone else.

But for a lady of just 30 years to believe that the basic marital bargain is still that of a husband who provides the income and a wife who cooks and cleans does seem a mite dated. Even aside from the personal objections that individuals of both genders might have, it generally takes two incomes to support a family. And now that male chefs have become superstars, masculine disdain for cooking has surely lessened.

It is possible that you are meeting cooking enthusiasts who want to talk about their hobby. As a conversation opener, this would not be rude, as it would be for you to ask about a gentleman's income.

In any case, you can find out by asking, "Why? Do you like to cook?"

Should it turn out that your suspicions were correct -- should the reply be, "No, I'm looking for someone to do it for me" -- you would be well advised not to consider this if you are interested in finding love along with that income.

You may well be looking for the same division of marital labor, which is fine as long as you are willing to uphold your part of the bargain. But you should not expect romance from someone who treats a date as if it were a job interview.

That is unfortunately a common practice, now that dating services have taught people to state their demands up front, on the grounds that getting to know individuals who do not meet their rigid expectations is a waste of time. It may be, but getting acquainted is how people fall in love, which used to be the general idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unfortunately, I live in an area where smoking in public places is still legal and common. Is there a polite way to ask people I go out with not to smoke?

When asked why, what is a more polite answer than saying that it's gross, obnoxious and harmful to my health? The smoker no doubt already knows all of those things.

GENTLE READER: No doubt. Just as there is no doubt that you know your own bad habits, but would not care to have others use that knowledge to insult you.

In places where smoking is permitted, asking people to refrain should be phrased as a favor. "I'm so sorry, but smoke bothers me," Miss Manners expects you to say. "Would you mind not smoking just now?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)