DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an aspiring street magician. I have very much enjoyed the idea of public performance since I was very young. However, I must admit I am a socially awkward individual at times, due in part to being overly cautious of social niceties.

Once I have taken to performing on the streets, how would you recommend I approach potential observers, if at all? I simply must know!

GENTLE READER: That is not a calling for the timid, Miss Manners would think, nor for anyone who is easily discouraged. Yet it could bring you the satisfaction of seeing that your talents have brought a bit of brightness to others.

There is a great deal of competition out there, although not exactly from people who want to entertain. Others who are selling, begging or recruiting for a cause may be competing for the attention of passers-by -- many of whom have learned to plow through the streets with their heads down to avoid being targeted.

So beyond meeting whatever requirements and restrictions your city has in order to permit you to perform in public, you must appear to be giving, rather than asking. Miss Manners would think that if you perform your tricks as if you are having a merry time simply amusing yourself, and yet shoot a mischievous smile at anyone who turns your way, you will capture their attention through charm.

But then, perhaps you should ask a professional. Miss Manners has never worked the streets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband died of lung cancer last September. He was 55 and very healthy until the cancer took over; he died 11 months later. My problem is with people who hear what my husband died of and then shout out how many years they have been cancer-free, totally ignoring my loss to talk about their victory.

I know ex-patients are encouraged to talk about their survival, but it's galling to be subjected to it over and over. What can I say to make them understand their rants about their success hurt without my being rude?

GENTLE READER: Do those who encourage ex-patients to talk about their survival -- or who follow such advice -- consider taking other people's feelings into account? Apparently not, among the people you have unfortunately encountered.

Miss Manners trusts that you would not be so cruel as to tell them about people who had recurrences of cancer after as many years, much as they have invited such talk. Rather, she suggests that you say tersely, "Congratulations. My husband was not so fortunate."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I recently became engaged. It is the first marriage for me at age 48. In thinking over a guest list, which I would like to remain intimate, I realize that many of my close female friends have boyfriends or husbands I have rarely or never met. Am I obligated to invite these partners to the wedding?

GENTLE READER: Only if you also omit the bridegroom, on the grounds that people who have rarely or never met him would not care to be in his company just because you happen to be marrying him.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude for a man to ask a woman during a first date, "Do you know how to cook?" or "Are you a good cook?"

I have just turned 30 and prefer to date men in their late 30s or early 40s, but find it incredibly rude when this is one of their first questions to me. I seldom cook and cooking is never on the forefront of my mind or on my to-do list, but I am a good cook.

I understand men are looking for a wife and a "good wife" cooks and cleans, but I would never ask a man early on, "How much money do you make?" simply because I am looking for a man who makes a good living. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Being often accused of living in a different era, Miss Manners is loath to suggest that about anyone else.

But for a lady of just 30 years to believe that the basic marital bargain is still that of a husband who provides the income and a wife who cooks and cleans does seem a mite dated. Even aside from the personal objections that individuals of both genders might have, it generally takes two incomes to support a family. And now that male chefs have become superstars, masculine disdain for cooking has surely lessened.

It is possible that you are meeting cooking enthusiasts who want to talk about their hobby. As a conversation opener, this would not be rude, as it would be for you to ask about a gentleman's income.

In any case, you can find out by asking, "Why? Do you like to cook?"

Should it turn out that your suspicions were correct -- should the reply be, "No, I'm looking for someone to do it for me" -- you would be well advised not to consider this if you are interested in finding love along with that income.

You may well be looking for the same division of marital labor, which is fine as long as you are willing to uphold your part of the bargain. But you should not expect romance from someone who treats a date as if it were a job interview.

That is unfortunately a common practice, now that dating services have taught people to state their demands up front, on the grounds that getting to know individuals who do not meet their rigid expectations is a waste of time. It may be, but getting acquainted is how people fall in love, which used to be the general idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unfortunately, I live in an area where smoking in public places is still legal and common. Is there a polite way to ask people I go out with not to smoke?

When asked why, what is a more polite answer than saying that it's gross, obnoxious and harmful to my health? The smoker no doubt already knows all of those things.

GENTLE READER: No doubt. Just as there is no doubt that you know your own bad habits, but would not care to have others use that knowledge to insult you.

In places where smoking is permitted, asking people to refrain should be phrased as a favor. "I'm so sorry, but smoke bothers me," Miss Manners expects you to say. "Would you mind not smoking just now?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a wedding, is it rude to indicate a preferred color of dress? Is it rude to do so on the invitation or on a card sent with the invitation -- by saying, "The wedding is fall themed, please favor colors such as red, orange, and yellow"?

I'm just looking to provide helpful suggestions if people want to match the wedding's theme. I've never had to write wedding invites before, and I really want to avoid being rude about it. The colors wouldn't be a requirement or something like that -- people can wear what they want as long as it's something nice.

GENTLE READER: This is going to come as a shock, but wedding guests are not interested in matching the theme colors of a wedding. They just want to look good, preferably without incurring expense.

If you asked them the next day what the theme colors were, Miss Manners doubts that many would be able to say much beyond, "I think the bridesmaids had some sort of purplish-pink dresses. But maybe they were more blue-greenish. Anyway, the bride wore white."

Brides, however, have become convinced that a themed color scheme is of vital importance, and that they should have dictatorial powers over the wardrobes of the wedding party, without regard to the tastes or budgets of those concerned. Miss Manners has not met with much success in attempting to persuade them that the bridesmaids need not look like a chorus line.

Please do not even suggest that the guests match the decor. They are people, not props.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a decade ago, my mother asked me to promise that if she ever had a visible hair growing from her chin, I would tell her, or remove it if she weren't able to do so.

Can you give me advice on how best to keep this promise? She is quite fastidious with many things and very capable. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

GENTLE READER: Of all the promises mothers may extract from their children, and of all the qualms children may feel about keeping such promises, yours is surely the simplest.

First, buy tweezers. But you mustn't spring them on her. She may have forgotten the promise, and you don't want to make her think that you are bothered by a mere hair. Rather, you should bring up the promise with some amusement.

Her reaction will tell you what to do. Either continue to look amused, or say, "All right, I'll look if you want me to" and fulfill your promise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently read a book that used the word "tiffin." The dictionary defined the word as "luncheon," but that did not really fit the context in which the word was used. What is a tiffin?

GENTLE READER: Without having peeked over your shoulder, Miss Manners can tell you that you were reading about British India. That's where and when the term was devised to describe a light meal, whether late morning, at lunch or at tea time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)