DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to just call new parents and say, "I am stopping by today," or should people wait to be invited over to see the new baby?

GENTLE READER: How do you imagine that the parents of newborn babies pass the time of day? Hanging around their quiet, orderly homes, hoping for a knock at the door indicating that someone has come along to break the tedium?

So, no, you do not call to say you are stopping by. You call to ask, "Would this be a good time for me to stop by to see the baby? Or would another time be better?"

Miss Manners has no wish to discourage the charming tradition of paying visits to new babies. On the contrary, she is dismayed that the overblown modern baby shower has left many acquaintances feeling, by the time the baby arrives, that they have done quite enough. But surely cooing over an actual infant is more fun than cooing over its wardrobe and equipment.

Just please allow the parents to approve the timing. Showing up unexpectedly and demanding to see a baby who has been coaxed to sleep after three hours of fussing is not a good idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I take my family out to dinner (we have five kids, so this is a rare treat), is it correct for my wife to thank me for the dinner, in front of the kids, to teach them gratitude? I always pay for dinner.

My wife says no (i.e., it's incorrect). If she thanks me, she says it shows the children that she's not important, so she won't thank me.

GENTLE READER: You might thank your wife for her good sense. What you would be teaching the children is not gratitude, but an unpleasant notion of female economic dependence.

Miss Manners is astonished to find herself condemning any expression of gratitude. She would not dream of objecting if you thanked your wife every time she cooked dinner or did another chore from which you benefited.

But money is different from effort. A mutually respectful couple does not equate earning power with family power. Thus, you did not treat your wife to a restaurant meal; you drew on the family funds to pay for it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who constantly brags about what her boyfriend buys her. Out of the blue, I will get a random text that will state something along the lines of, "Conrad bought me a new handbag. I'm thrilled about it," or a picture of the product saying, "Look at this watch Conrad bought me."

Not only does she send these text messages, but in person all she can talk about is how her boyfriend took her here and there and paid for this and that. It is really obnoxious, and I don't know how to respond in these circumstances because I don't want to come across as rude myself.

The one time I did respond, I kept it short and sweet and said: "Well, that's great. I like the watch. Good for you." She said she thought I would be happier for her. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Well, then, start by saying, "I'm so happy for you." But Miss Manners suggests following this up -- quickly, while your friend is working to come up with another whine -- with, "And what did you get him?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was going down the stairs into the subway during rush hour behind a woman who was moving excruciatingly slowly. I looked to see if she had a physical problem and noticed that she was texting.

I then asked (very politely), "Would you mind finishing texting at the bottom of the stairs?" I naively expected her to apologize.

Instead, she angrily told me that I had no right to tell her when she could text. I mildly replied that she was right and that I was asking, not telling. She shouted that I was telling -- and then I just walked away.

I know that the woman was rude to me, but was I wrong in asking her to not text on the stairs? It was raining, and I and the many people lined up behind her were all getting wet.

GENTLE READER: Let's leave out your presumed selflessness in protecting others from the rain and your willingness to be patient if the delay had been due to a disability. For all you know, the obstructionist could have been texting emergency instructions to save a life, or herself suffering from a non-obvious disability.

This leaves you with the annoyance of being behind a slow person when you were in a hurry. Please, folks, can't you just state your problems without gift-wrapping them in virtues?

Miss Manners counts three rudenesses here, petty ones to be sure, but the kind that sometimes escalate into urban violence. The first was indeed yours, and Miss Manners gives you credit for apologizing. But it was rude of her to snap at you, and even ruder to shout and reject your apology.

All this could have been avoided if you had addressed your problem, instead of the other person's activity. "Excuse me, may I get by? A lot of us are caught in the rain," is unlikely to have brought on that defensive tirade.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it traditional for the bride to pick the place and time for a wedding?

GENTLE READER: It never used to be. Really.

Miss Manners supposes that you are thinking of an era when a bride's parents had the entire responsibility for giving the wedding, and the bride herself was too young, dependent and inexperienced in entertaining to announce that she would make all the decisions but would allow them to pay all the bills.

They probably took her preferences into consideration, perhaps also on the choice of the bridegroom, but they were in charge.

You may have noticed that things have changed. The bride has grown up, the power has shifted, and -- amazingly enough -- the existence of the bridegroom and his family has been noticed.

Also, the choice of venue has become complicated when the couple, no longer the girl and boy who grew up next door, may be living on their own, away from their respective parents' homes.

Therefore, although everyone does now concede that the two of them (although collectively referred to as "the bride") make the decision, the proper procedure is for them to consult the wishes of their parents and consider the convenience of their guests.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister has been dating a guy for about four months, and I just found out she is eight weeks pregnant. She is 32 years old, which should mean she is an adult and can make her own decisions, but they instantly jumped into a serious relationship.

He has a 4-year-old son who she met less than a month after they began dating, and now the boyfriend and his son stay with her almost all of the time. My parents basically support her -- they make her car payment and pay her school loans.

So I think this is not the best thing to happen. When I express my concern about anything, she becomes angry and defensive right away. So how do I talk to her about this?

GENTLE READER: Just what is the wise counsel that you are offering your sister and she is perversely rejecting?

That people who are expecting a baby have no business entering a serious relationship? That allowing the prospective father to stay at your sister's house will ruin her reputation? That instead of helping her, your parents should be locking her in her room so she doesn't get into trouble?

Naive Miss Manners would have thought that a relationship that produced a pregnancy was already a wee bit serious. But if not, it strikes her as a good time to begin. And apparently they have. Please don't try to put a damper on this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have my grandmother's silver plate coffee and tea service. There are three pots; one has a warming stand. Besides the sugar bowl, there is another bowl someone told me was the "slop bowl." Please tell me how one makes tea with a set such as this?

GENTLE READER: Charmingly, as you are now equipped to do. (Yes, yes, Miss Manners acknowledges that you might manage to be charming when offering a mug and a tea bag, but that is not a charming way of serving tea.)

The large pot with the warming stand is for hot water, the middle-sized one is for tea leaves in a lesser amount of hot water (both to be rinsed with hot water before filling), and the small pitcher is for milk. The slops (sic) bowl is necessary because fresh tea and the soothing conviviality that it produces keep people coming back for more.

For the first cup, you use the extra-hot water to adjust the strength of the tea to the tea drinker's taste, bearing in mind that the longer the leaves steep, the stronger the teapot's contents will be.

Such are the delights of afternoon tea that tea itself is often neglected, and those who come back for seconds will present you with not-quite-empty cups, at the bottom of which will be a tiny, cold, messy puddle. It may contain a few drenched tea leaves (even though, of course, you strained the tea when you poured that first cup).

That's what goes into the slops bowl before you pour fresh hot tea into the cup: slops.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)