DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's niece was engaged to be married in the summer, but the wedding was moved up because she and her fiance decided they couldn't wait. Their ages are 19 and 18, respectively.

She announced on her Facebook page that they were getting married that day. This was the only announcement; no formal communication was sent out, even to family members.

My husband insists that a generic announcement to the entire Facebook world does not warrant a wedding gift, and I am inclined to agree with him. The rest of his family has been sending gifts. We don't feel we should be required to add to the general decline in manners, but we're also afraid that making conditional terms for gift-giving may be a breach of etiquette in itself.

How does one handle the unfortunate new etiquette of the Facebook age?

GENTLE READER: And how does Miss Manners handle the unfortunate misconceptions about the etiquette of giving wedding presents?

There is no such thing as an invoice for a wedding present. Neither a wedding invitation nor a formal announcement constitutes that. You give a wedding present because you want to indicate symbolically that you care about the couple.

Yes, there is a catch. That is that you should not be attending a wedding if you do not care about the couple (either truly, or because they are relatives and you are supposed to care), and therefore wedding guests give wedding presents. If you decline the invitation, or if you are not invited but receive an announcement, all that is required is that you send the couple good wishes.

So even if you had received a formal announcement of this marriage, you might have skipped the present. But remember that word "required." That means the decent minimum, which many people rudely skip, because they consider that an invitation is an invoice, but an announcement can be entirely ignored.

Your quibble is that not only were you not invited to a wedding, but you didn't even get a formal announcement. But look at the circumstances. An elopement is the least formal wedding, which is fine, and the couple chose the least formal way of letting people know about it.

So -- what is required of you? Nothing, if you want to pretend that you didn't see their posting, until you are told directly. However, an expression of good wishes is necessary if you admit that you do know of the marriage. Adding a present over this minimum would show that you care. Or that you want, for the family's sake, to seem to care.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are the rules for teachers different? As a parent, I have sent in countless gifts to the teachers, with the giver listed as one of my children. In about half the cases, the teacher sends a thank-you to the child.

How I relish watching my children receive those thank-yous! It reinforces the lessons of good manners and the art of writing thank-yous. My children love receiving those simple notes. But I am deeply disappointed with those teachers who do not write thank-yous. Am I expecting too much?

GENTLE READER: Well, you are expecting teachers to set good examples and to understand, as you do, how much this means to children. As overworked and underpaid as teachers are, Miss Manners would expect them to feel the effort was worthwhile.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter-in-law is expecting in July. However, she thinks she should celebrate Mother's Day now. I am a bit old-fashioned; I do not recall celebrating Mother's Day if you are only pregnant.

GENTLE READER: As the idea of Mother's Day is for mothers to be shown appreciation by their children, your daughter-in-law has a problem. Even though she is devoting herself to the nourishment and well-being of this child, she is unlikely to receive chocolates, roses or even a card from that source.

Miss Manners recognizes that two ungracious trends have fueled your daughter-in-law's wish. The first is that people now feel emboldened to declare that others must honor them. Typically, this is expressed in self-generated adult birthday parties and showers. Rather than waiting for others to be moved to organize such an event, the would-be guest of honor initiates it, sets the terms and expects the guests to pay the bills.

The second is the enlargement of Mother's Day beyond that of filial gratitude. That fathers should participate makes sense, especially when the children are young enough to require some guidance, and because he is an indirect beneficiary. But expectations have spread ridiculously. Miss Manners has heard from mothers who expect even their own mothers to pay them honor, and, in contrast, from childless ladies who are upset that acquaintances and strangers wish them a happy Mother's Day.

That your daughter-in-law associates the holiday with her impending motherhood does not bother Miss Manners. That she has seen fit to announce that she expects to be celebrated by others does. Why isn't she busy making Father's Day plans, instead?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should I get a Mother's Day gift for my girlfriend? She's not my child's mother.

GENTLE READER: Is she yours?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a successful adult son who has been married for almost 10 years and has a young child, no longer a baby. We have entertained this family many times, especially for holidays and family get-togethers.

I feel that this young couple should reciprocate at least occasionally. Never once have they invited us for dinner or to their apartment.

Do I have a reason to feel nonplussed? I certainly invited my in-laws very regularly to my house, even as newly marrieds. My husband won't let me say a word.

GENTLE READER: He probably suspects that the words you want to say are, "We have entertained ... never once have you ... I certainly invited ..." and so on.

But the people you refer to as "this family" and "this young couple" are your own son and daughter-in-law. You could express interest, rather than bitterness. The words Miss Manners would suggest, to which your husband would probably not object, are: "Could we do this at your place sometime? We love having you here, but it would be fun to spend time in your home. I would so enjoy that."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A cousin has come home from a long foreign trip, taken in part to fill a spiritual hole in her life. She has asked us to come to her home to hear excerpts from her trip journal and to see a showing of photos she took.

While we appreciate that she found the trip rewarding, we have no interest in sitting through such an evening. How do we politely decline? Claiming date unavailability won't work, as she would persist in finding an alternate date.

GENTLE READER: You may have to go on a long trip yourself. Weighing the time, expense and inconvenience of fleeing against spending an evening listening to your cousin recount her geographical and spiritual adventures, you may want to start packing.

In a more kindly spirit, Miss Manners has to tell you that you are probably stuck. But you could exercise some control by adding to an apparently enthusiastic response your desire to tell her your own news. Whether it is about your last vacation, your children's accomplishments or your hobby, bring pictures and ask to go first on the grounds that your presentation will be short. It will hasten the time during your cousin's show at which you can declare, "My, look how late it is."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am soon to be graduating and everyone is talking about these "graduation announcements." All my friends are excited to get them out so they can get presents.

I want nothing except a speedy and fun graduation. I was wondering if there is another way to announce my news that doesn't imply asking for anything (even though I've looked at announcements and don't understand that part anyway). A nice phone call?

GENTLE READER: Isn't it strange that a generation that recognizes no more formal means of communication than the Internet still sends out graduation announcements? Well, not so strange, as you have explained.

This is, indeed, a milestone to be told casually to those you know would be interested. Instead, it is often broadcast around to many who have only the vaguest idea of who the laureate might be, but who quickly pick up on the purpose.

Miss Manners congratulates you, not only on your graduation, but also on your good taste.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a preschool teacher and need a nice way to ask the parents to chip in for a Mother's Day gift the children are making. Each gift will cost about $8.

How do you ask mothers to help pay for their own gift? Ideally, I would write the dads, but some dads are not in the house. I don't want this to come off as tacky.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners understands that tight school budgets have led to assessing parents for materials, she considers that unfortunate. For parents who are also severely pressed, it can be an embarrassment, as well as a hardship.

If you can think of no cheaper way to do such a project, she suggests that you could avoid mentioning the specific use by asking for "school supplies" or "art material."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)