DEAR MISS MANNERS: When sitting in a sports bar during the Super Bowl at the time the singing of the national anthem is broadcast on TV, is it proper for the patrons to sit or stand? Or is either response proper?

GENTLE READER: If the rule of standing for the national anthem applied to recorded renditions, listening to the game on the radio while driving would be fatal.

However, Miss Manners would also like to prevent accidents in bars. She must therefore warn you about the Patriotic Police, who can be extremely belligerent about enforcing respect for the anthem and flag, even when they are not fully conversant with the rules. So if others get off their bar stools, and perhaps put their hands on their hearts, you may want to do so, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems inconsiderate to me when people RSVP to dinner invitations by saying they will come "if I can," or "I'll call an hour before to let you know whether I can make it," when what I have needed is an accurate head count some days before the event.

Now I find myself in the shoes of my rude invitees, that is, wishing to accept but uncertain, for reasons beyond my control, whether I can make good on the commitment.

What is the proper response? My inclination is to decline rather than find myself having to withdraw at the last minute.

GENTLE READER: Remember when you were a child and did something unkind, and your mother said, "How would you feel if he did that to you?"

You were supposed to conclude that if you wouldn't like this done to you, you should not do it to other people. Thus having discovered the Golden Rule for yourself, you were then supposed to use it to govern your conduct in general.

That is why your inclination is to decline an invitation that you may not be able to accept. Miss Manners suggests that you follow that inclination. If you decline while explaining the circumstances, your host may or may not grant you an exception and say that you can defer the response.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I properly address someone who cut the line in front of me?

GENTLE READER: As "Sir" or "Madam," continuing with, "I believe that the end of the line is over there."

Miss Manners doesn't want to know what you were thinking of saying, but you will only incite worse behavior unless you give the breaker-in a dignified way to retreat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband feels it is poor manners to expect the family to help with the cleanup after a big holiday meal. They are all adults, and I have done all the cooking entirely by myself. They have never objected, but after more than 50 years, he has decided to make an issue of this.

GENTLE READER: Please tell him that Miss Manners congratulates him for sparing all his relatives, you above all, by volunteering -- albeit belatedly -- to do all the cleaning up alone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 31-year-old daughter and her 36-year-old fiance had my beautiful baby granddaughter nine weeks ago. The grandmothers hosted a baby shower prior to the birth, and friends and relatives were most generous in their gift giving.

They are planning a wedding six months from now. My daughter does not believe she should register for the wedding. They have combined their households and have many of the basics, and yet between them they have four matching plates, no china, crystal, new towels or the essentials that would make their new life together complete. Neither has been married before.

Essentially my daughter feels that everyone has been so supportive and generous and accepting of the baby situation before the wedding, she just wants everyone to celebrate the day.

What is appropriate in this situation? Her wedding list is at least 150, so a normal bridal shower could be around 50 guests, a small, intimate celebration, possibly theme driven -- or no shower at all?

GENTLE READER: With a daughter gracious enough to ask nothing more of her relatives and friends than that they celebrate her wedding, what exactly is your quarrel?

That she is passing up an opportunity to get free stuff? Or maybe even rake in some cash? That her friends and relatives, having already been proven generous, could be milked for more?

Miss Manners believes you could profit by listening to your daughter's definition of what makes life complete.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An old friend, now more of an acquaintance, recently lost his wife of 40-plus years. We've always loved their home. Not now, but at some point in the future, is it appropriate to let him know that if he considers selling to please keep us in mind? If it is appropriate, when would be a good (better) time, and would it be best to send a letter or ask to speak in person with him?

GENTLE READER: A better time would be if he tells you that he is thinking of moving. Otherwise, it is unforgivably intrusive to assume that as a widower, he should be downsizing, and downright ugly to let on that you see his wife's death as an opportunity. Miss Manners would advise you to watch the real estate advertisements instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I needed the email address of a friend at the company my best friend works at. He would not directly provide me with the email address. Instead, he told me that he must ask for this friend's permission to give it to me.

I think this is absurd, since the friend I want to contact and I have known each other for a few years now, although we are not at all close. Anyway, my best friend believes this is the proper procedure. In this day and age, people exchange emails all the time. What are your thoughts on this matter?

GENTLE READER: That you are fortunate to have a best friend who will not be handing out your address to everyone who wants to clutter your inbox. He could have suggested that he give yours to the person you wanted to write, but still, Miss Manners commends him for his discretion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend is getting divorced. A select few of us are very close to her, but she has decided not to tell us she's getting divorced. She has been married only a year and a half, and this divorce we heard about from her soon-to-be-ex-husband was a total shock to all of us.

Several weeks have passed, she has moved in with her parents, and we have all been together with her -- and she still acts like nothing is going on.

It's making us all uncomfortable, and it's like an elephant in the room. Do we ask if everything is OK, or try to talk to her, or just let her tell us when it works for her?

GENTLE READER: Please bear in mind that it is not your elephant. It is your friend's, and she may be hoping that it will galumph out of the room before anyone notices it. So her friends' task is to pretend they haven't noticed it.

Miss Manners realizes that the chance of a reconciliation is not good when the husband is announcing a divorce. Still, it is possible, and if that happens, friends who have commiserated with one spouse will find that marital loyalty then kicks in, as well as the desire to classify the separation as a mere blip in the marriage. In that case, your pre-emptive sympathy would be held against you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter has a boyfriend who works in a tire shop. He handles and works with tires daily, so he gets very dirty and his hands are black from work. They stopped by the other day, and he came in the house and touched my cabinets, and then apologized for leaving smudges on the counter.

Before I could stop myself, I asked him, "Don't they have a sink at work?" He indicated they did, and that was the end of the discussion.

I don't want him or my daughter to feel unwelcome, but I want to take care of my things. Any suggestions on how I can approach this?

GENTLE READER: As a hostess, not a nanny. Therefore offer to help, not to teach, and certainly not to scold.

That means welcoming him and saying hospitably: "I suppose you'd like to wash up after working so hard. There are fresh towels for you in the bathroom."

Miss Manners recommends that you be on the alert to do this before the gentleman has had a chance to touch anything, and lay in a supply of dark towels.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a male friend whose family I don't know and have never met. My male friend has just been hospitalized, and I don't know why. Is it appropriate to ask the family member whom he is in contact with what happened?

GENTLE READER: No, but you can get them to tell you.

Not everyone wants his or her medical history to be spread around, as that has a tendency to attract unsolicited advice. To indicate concern, rather than curiosity, Miss Manners advises that you not ask what happened, but instead confess that you have been worried about your friend and hope to hear that he will be all right.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)