DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 31-year-old daughter and her 36-year-old fiance had my beautiful baby granddaughter nine weeks ago. The grandmothers hosted a baby shower prior to the birth, and friends and relatives were most generous in their gift giving.

They are planning a wedding six months from now. My daughter does not believe she should register for the wedding. They have combined their households and have many of the basics, and yet between them they have four matching plates, no china, crystal, new towels or the essentials that would make their new life together complete. Neither has been married before.

Essentially my daughter feels that everyone has been so supportive and generous and accepting of the baby situation before the wedding, she just wants everyone to celebrate the day.

What is appropriate in this situation? Her wedding list is at least 150, so a normal bridal shower could be around 50 guests, a small, intimate celebration, possibly theme driven -- or no shower at all?

GENTLE READER: With a daughter gracious enough to ask nothing more of her relatives and friends than that they celebrate her wedding, what exactly is your quarrel?

That she is passing up an opportunity to get free stuff? Or maybe even rake in some cash? That her friends and relatives, having already been proven generous, could be milked for more?

Miss Manners believes you could profit by listening to your daughter's definition of what makes life complete.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An old friend, now more of an acquaintance, recently lost his wife of 40-plus years. We've always loved their home. Not now, but at some point in the future, is it appropriate to let him know that if he considers selling to please keep us in mind? If it is appropriate, when would be a good (better) time, and would it be best to send a letter or ask to speak in person with him?

GENTLE READER: A better time would be if he tells you that he is thinking of moving. Otherwise, it is unforgivably intrusive to assume that as a widower, he should be downsizing, and downright ugly to let on that you see his wife's death as an opportunity. Miss Manners would advise you to watch the real estate advertisements instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I needed the email address of a friend at the company my best friend works at. He would not directly provide me with the email address. Instead, he told me that he must ask for this friend's permission to give it to me.

I think this is absurd, since the friend I want to contact and I have known each other for a few years now, although we are not at all close. Anyway, my best friend believes this is the proper procedure. In this day and age, people exchange emails all the time. What are your thoughts on this matter?

GENTLE READER: That you are fortunate to have a best friend who will not be handing out your address to everyone who wants to clutter your inbox. He could have suggested that he give yours to the person you wanted to write, but still, Miss Manners commends him for his discretion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend is getting divorced. A select few of us are very close to her, but she has decided not to tell us she's getting divorced. She has been married only a year and a half, and this divorce we heard about from her soon-to-be-ex-husband was a total shock to all of us.

Several weeks have passed, she has moved in with her parents, and we have all been together with her -- and she still acts like nothing is going on.

It's making us all uncomfortable, and it's like an elephant in the room. Do we ask if everything is OK, or try to talk to her, or just let her tell us when it works for her?

GENTLE READER: Please bear in mind that it is not your elephant. It is your friend's, and she may be hoping that it will galumph out of the room before anyone notices it. So her friends' task is to pretend they haven't noticed it.

Miss Manners realizes that the chance of a reconciliation is not good when the husband is announcing a divorce. Still, it is possible, and if that happens, friends who have commiserated with one spouse will find that marital loyalty then kicks in, as well as the desire to classify the separation as a mere blip in the marriage. In that case, your pre-emptive sympathy would be held against you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter has a boyfriend who works in a tire shop. He handles and works with tires daily, so he gets very dirty and his hands are black from work. They stopped by the other day, and he came in the house and touched my cabinets, and then apologized for leaving smudges on the counter.

Before I could stop myself, I asked him, "Don't they have a sink at work?" He indicated they did, and that was the end of the discussion.

I don't want him or my daughter to feel unwelcome, but I want to take care of my things. Any suggestions on how I can approach this?

GENTLE READER: As a hostess, not a nanny. Therefore offer to help, not to teach, and certainly not to scold.

That means welcoming him and saying hospitably: "I suppose you'd like to wash up after working so hard. There are fresh towels for you in the bathroom."

Miss Manners recommends that you be on the alert to do this before the gentleman has had a chance to touch anything, and lay in a supply of dark towels.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a male friend whose family I don't know and have never met. My male friend has just been hospitalized, and I don't know why. Is it appropriate to ask the family member whom he is in contact with what happened?

GENTLE READER: No, but you can get them to tell you.

Not everyone wants his or her medical history to be spread around, as that has a tendency to attract unsolicited advice. To indicate concern, rather than curiosity, Miss Manners advises that you not ask what happened, but instead confess that you have been worried about your friend and hope to hear that he will be all right.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where is it impolite to e-smoke? Does modern etiquette differ from historical smoking etiquette, when it was common and socially acceptable to smoke? In particular, is it improper to e-smoke when giving a large speech?

I am quite fond of my electronic cigarette. It has a white light and cannot be mistaken for a real cigarette. It is odorless, but I exhale a visible gray vapor, which can be confusing to people who haven't discussed it with me yet.

I am open about my use of this device. I use it on the subway in front of police officers and in bars. I already use it during informal business functions (essentially any business function where it is acceptable to wear jeans).

Does it hurt one's public image if I e-smoke when I do speaking engagements? I normally dress up for those, but I'm in technology, where mores are quite lax and jeans are quite common.

Will it hurt my image if I were to e-smoke while giving an engaging and riveting talk? I'm already seen as a bit of a provocateur, but I don't want to cross the line into gauche.

Historically, when smoking was common and socially acceptable: Would professors smoke pipes during lectures? Have any presidents been known to smoke during speeches?

GENTLE READER: While sharing your interest in history, Miss Manners apparently reads more of it than you do. The smoky society you describe existed only in the middle decades of the 20th century; before that, it was not tolerated.

In the preceding decades and centuries, smokers, also known then as gentlemen, did not smoke in the presence of nonsmokers, then known as ladies, without their express permission, which could be politely withheld. For the most part, the smokers did not even venture to inquire, but withdrew to smoking rooms and put on smoking jackets, so as to isolate the effects.

When ladies began to smoke openly, the rules were regrettably abandoned. Even so, an occasional professor might have clutched his pipe, but it was not the rule. It was not then known that smoking caused cancer, and President Franklin Roosevelt was rarely seen without his cigarette holder, but by the time presidential speeches were televised, his successors refrained. It was only when the medical dangers were widely known that nonsmokers, whose discomfort from smells and dense smoke had been ignored, finally rebelled.

Historical precedent doesn't much help when you cite a comparatively brief period when etiquette was generally suspended. What about the fact that you are not smoking real cigarettes?

You ask about your public image. To those who recognize electronic cigarettes, you would appear to be someone struggling to give up smoking and therefore relying on a crutch. We have come to the point where that is considered pathetic, at best.

But not everyone does distinguish the real from the imitation, particularly at a distance from a speaking platform. Such people would not consider you pathetic, you may be relieved to hear: They would consider you evil. The now-accepted rule against smoking near nonsmokers is perhaps the most dangerous one to break. People will excuse heinous crimes before condoning that.

But here is the crushing part: Everyone will be thinking "He's smoking," rather than paying attention to your riveting words.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)