DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend is getting divorced. A select few of us are very close to her, but she has decided not to tell us she's getting divorced. She has been married only a year and a half, and this divorce we heard about from her soon-to-be-ex-husband was a total shock to all of us.

Several weeks have passed, she has moved in with her parents, and we have all been together with her -- and she still acts like nothing is going on.

It's making us all uncomfortable, and it's like an elephant in the room. Do we ask if everything is OK, or try to talk to her, or just let her tell us when it works for her?

GENTLE READER: Please bear in mind that it is not your elephant. It is your friend's, and she may be hoping that it will galumph out of the room before anyone notices it. So her friends' task is to pretend they haven't noticed it.

Miss Manners realizes that the chance of a reconciliation is not good when the husband is announcing a divorce. Still, it is possible, and if that happens, friends who have commiserated with one spouse will find that marital loyalty then kicks in, as well as the desire to classify the separation as a mere blip in the marriage. In that case, your pre-emptive sympathy would be held against you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter has a boyfriend who works in a tire shop. He handles and works with tires daily, so he gets very dirty and his hands are black from work. They stopped by the other day, and he came in the house and touched my cabinets, and then apologized for leaving smudges on the counter.

Before I could stop myself, I asked him, "Don't they have a sink at work?" He indicated they did, and that was the end of the discussion.

I don't want him or my daughter to feel unwelcome, but I want to take care of my things. Any suggestions on how I can approach this?

GENTLE READER: As a hostess, not a nanny. Therefore offer to help, not to teach, and certainly not to scold.

That means welcoming him and saying hospitably: "I suppose you'd like to wash up after working so hard. There are fresh towels for you in the bathroom."

Miss Manners recommends that you be on the alert to do this before the gentleman has had a chance to touch anything, and lay in a supply of dark towels.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a male friend whose family I don't know and have never met. My male friend has just been hospitalized, and I don't know why. Is it appropriate to ask the family member whom he is in contact with what happened?

GENTLE READER: No, but you can get them to tell you.

Not everyone wants his or her medical history to be spread around, as that has a tendency to attract unsolicited advice. To indicate concern, rather than curiosity, Miss Manners advises that you not ask what happened, but instead confess that you have been worried about your friend and hope to hear that he will be all right.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where is it impolite to e-smoke? Does modern etiquette differ from historical smoking etiquette, when it was common and socially acceptable to smoke? In particular, is it improper to e-smoke when giving a large speech?

I am quite fond of my electronic cigarette. It has a white light and cannot be mistaken for a real cigarette. It is odorless, but I exhale a visible gray vapor, which can be confusing to people who haven't discussed it with me yet.

I am open about my use of this device. I use it on the subway in front of police officers and in bars. I already use it during informal business functions (essentially any business function where it is acceptable to wear jeans).

Does it hurt one's public image if I e-smoke when I do speaking engagements? I normally dress up for those, but I'm in technology, where mores are quite lax and jeans are quite common.

Will it hurt my image if I were to e-smoke while giving an engaging and riveting talk? I'm already seen as a bit of a provocateur, but I don't want to cross the line into gauche.

Historically, when smoking was common and socially acceptable: Would professors smoke pipes during lectures? Have any presidents been known to smoke during speeches?

GENTLE READER: While sharing your interest in history, Miss Manners apparently reads more of it than you do. The smoky society you describe existed only in the middle decades of the 20th century; before that, it was not tolerated.

In the preceding decades and centuries, smokers, also known then as gentlemen, did not smoke in the presence of nonsmokers, then known as ladies, without their express permission, which could be politely withheld. For the most part, the smokers did not even venture to inquire, but withdrew to smoking rooms and put on smoking jackets, so as to isolate the effects.

When ladies began to smoke openly, the rules were regrettably abandoned. Even so, an occasional professor might have clutched his pipe, but it was not the rule. It was not then known that smoking caused cancer, and President Franklin Roosevelt was rarely seen without his cigarette holder, but by the time presidential speeches were televised, his successors refrained. It was only when the medical dangers were widely known that nonsmokers, whose discomfort from smells and dense smoke had been ignored, finally rebelled.

Historical precedent doesn't much help when you cite a comparatively brief period when etiquette was generally suspended. What about the fact that you are not smoking real cigarettes?

You ask about your public image. To those who recognize electronic cigarettes, you would appear to be someone struggling to give up smoking and therefore relying on a crutch. We have come to the point where that is considered pathetic, at best.

But not everyone does distinguish the real from the imitation, particularly at a distance from a speaking platform. Such people would not consider you pathetic, you may be relieved to hear: They would consider you evil. The now-accepted rule against smoking near nonsmokers is perhaps the most dangerous one to break. People will excuse heinous crimes before condoning that.

But here is the crushing part: Everyone will be thinking "He's smoking," rather than paying attention to your riveting words.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one politely get guests to not bring food to a party?

My husband and I give a Super Bowl party every year that is attended by perhaps 30 people. We provide plenty of food, including an array of cold and hot appetizers, a buffet dinner and desserts. I am generally acknowledged to be a good cook.

But many (even most) guests insist on bringing food, even though I've asked them not to. It started with a couple of people bringing an appetizer or dessert, and then others saw them and felt bad that they hadn't brought something, and so brought something the next year. It just mushroomed.

When I'm asked what food a guest should bring, I always say to please not bring any food, but then I'm told that since others will bring food, of course this guest wants to, too.

Several years ago, I included a statement on the invitations that read, "Please do not bring food to the party. We are happy to provide plenty of snacks and a buffet dinner." I knew etiquette said I shouldn't make the statement, but I didn't know what else to do.

This mostly worked, except for a couple of people who ignored my request, stating that they had to bring something, that was how they were raised -- they couldn't come to a party empty-handed. Then, of course, others saw that some had brought food and brought food themselves the next year -- and back it grew.

I have heard that the proper way to handle this is to take the plate of food, thank the giver, and then simply not serve it at the party. This has proved impossible to do -- by the nature of the party everyone pretty much arrives at the same time. While my husband and I are busy greeting new arrivals and taking their coats and getting them drinks, some earlier arrivals are digging the food they brought out of their carryalls and helpfully placing it on the buffet table.

It hardly seems polite to remove food from the buffet table after it's been put there and some guests have helped themselves to it, and I don't feel I can allow the food from some guests to be served and not that brought by others.

My husband says I should go with the flow and just plan that guests will bring food. I really don't want to do this -- planning and preparing the menu for the party is something I enjoy very much.

Do I need to gracefully accept the food brought by others and just put up with it, or is there something I can do to put an end to this? I know this makes me seem really ungrateful, but I do resent that I'm not allowed to plan and execute the party the way I'd like it to be.

GENTLE READER: This has become a major problem for good hosts, with the encouragement of bad hosts who demand that their guests bring food.

Miss Manners can offer only a small ploy to help you. That is to use a smaller buffet table, on which there is no room for visiting platters, and to leave an empty space for them in the kitchen. Then you can direct your stubborn guests there, saying, "Thank you -- that will come in handy if people are still hungry after dinner."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)