DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in the process of applying to law schools. Most schools require that you submit three letters of recommendation.

Last August I asked three former colleagues if they would mind submitting letters on my behalf. All three of them enthusiastically agreed. At the time, I told them that I would need the letters to be sent in around November, since admissions are rolling and I would have a better shot at acceptance if my applications were completed earlier.

It's now approaching mid-January and none of my recommenders has submitted a letter.

While I understand that schedules are busy, final deadlines are in February, and I'm concerned that my applications will not be completed. I sent each of these colleagues a handwritten letter in August thanking them for agreeing to write letters for me and again in early December updating them on my progress.

What is the polite way to remind these people about the recommendations? If they no longer wish to write these letters on my behalf, I need to know as soon as possible so that I may find replacements.

GENTLE READER: Nobody is too busy to write a letter. Miss Manners keeps hearing that anguished cry -- from bridal couples, from young people whose relatives shower them with presents, from friends of the bereaved -- but it arouses no sympathy in her steely heart.

She has a pretty good idea of how these people spend the discretionary time that they grudge others -- and many of whom have just spent time and thought on pleasing them.

In the case of recommendations, there could be another, equally culpable, element. It is possible that they didn't want to recommend you, in which case they should have said immediately that they didn't feel they could do you justice. But as they were all enthusiastic at the time, Miss Manners suspects the rudeness is due to laziness.

You have done all you can, except to find other letter writers immediately, and caution them that it must be done that very day to meet the looming deadline.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dentist enjoys using his patients as a means of venting his political frustrations. I've been through several nightmarish dentists and don't want to give this one up, as he does a very good job on my teeth, but I am stressed by the comments he makes regarding the state of things in society.

I would normally try to change the subject by saying, "So how is the tartar looking?" but it's rather hard to talk with dental instruments in my mouth. What can I do short of changing dentists?

GENTLE READER: Close your eyes.

Normally, this is not a polite thing to do while someone is talking to you. But those dental chairs are so comfortable, and there are sprays in the air from which you should shield your eyes, and anyway, your mouth is open, and he is supposed to be concentrating on his work.

Miss Manners suggests that you refrain from making those ulmphh noises that dental patients do to indicate assent, to leave the impression that you have dozed off. With any luck, you will.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the queen of a Mardi Gras krewe and am hosting a semiformal Queen's Party. I will be serving a buffet but don't want to use the word "buffet." Is there another, "classier" word I can use?

GENTLE READER: Victorians who first used the word "buffet," pronounced the French way, to describe a meal laid out for self-service on the buffett (the sideboard), probably thought they were classier than people who were still using the 16th-century word "collation" for a light evening meal.

Buffet is now standard, however, and Miss Manners fails to see why you think it is declasse. It tells your guests what to expect -- that whatever they grab from the table will have to be eaten standing up.

However, she bequeaths you the abandoned word "collation," which will probably fail to convey the terms of your gathering and leave them wondering whether they should make dinner reservations. And she adds the warning that attempts to be "classy" almost inevitably produce the opposite effect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a big storm, a relative of mine lost all power in her apartment. A neighbor took her in and provided her with food and shelter for several days.

When she was able to return to her own apartment, my relative sent the neighbor a thank-you card and included a gift certificate for a local department store. Now she is put out because she received no thank-you for the thank-you card. Is it necessary to say "thank you" for a thank-you card?

GENTLE READER: No, that would make an endless cycle. But one must send thanks for a present, even when the present was sent in order to thank. Miss Manners concedes that the gift certificate qualifies as a present, although it strikes her as a paltry return for a grand humanitarian act. Having just stayed in the house, your relative could have noticed her neighbor's taste and chosen something specifically to please her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our women's club honors our president at a dinner at the end of the club year. Is it proper for the president to select the location and control events?

The president is presented with a gift at this dinner. Is it proper to ask her what she would like for a specified amount of money?

This has been an issue between myself and a friend. Over many years neither of these issues was in question, but things have changed!

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the change that now has people taking charge of honoring themselves, even when others propose to do it. Tossing modesty and gratitude aside, they dictate the arrangements and presents for their own birthday parties, showers and, as you have found, any other occasion.

Miss Manners would be inclined to cede it all to them, allowing them to give the toasts and speeches about how wonderful they are, and to let them do all the clapping, too.

She would rather you didn't encourage such behavior by handing over the choice of the present. But she supposes you should humor the outgoing president about the other arrangements, and choose for the next president one whose admiration and organizational skills are concentrated on the organization.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know that I can't say anything about gift cards (except "thank you"), but perhaps Miss Manners can.

I do not enjoy shopping. But every year I start months in advance, doing my best to find a thoughtful, appropriate gift for each person. Then Christmas comes, and I get an assortment of gift cards -- and my shopping chore starts all over again.

Some are for stores not found in my area. And I have to make the gift fit the size of the card, so to speak -- I often end up having to add money. Very rarely, those who know me well give me a card for a store that I frequent regularly, or for a shop, previously unknown to me, that becomes a favorite. But not usually.

I realize I risk sounding like an ungrateful cad -- after all, a stack of gift cards indicates at least that many friends. But the actual result is that I have to do all the shopping twice, I have to run all over town, and I'm limited to just so much at a particular store.

I never thought I'd say such a thing, but if you're looking for a one-size-fits-all gift, just go with cash. Does Miss Manners care to comment?

GENTLE READER: How about this: Cash isn't a present; it is a penalty paid by people who have not taken enough interest in the recipient to know what to choose.

Or this: Miss Manners agrees that laundering money with a gift card makes it harder to spend, and therefore worse.

Or this: If there were such a thing as a one-size-fits-all present, everyone would already have one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It has taken me many years to come to terms with the abuse I suffered from my mother while growing up, and I prefer not to have anything to do with her because she is in denial that it ever even happened and will not get help for her mental illness.

I make a point not to mention my mother to anyone and never criticize her to others, as I do have sympathy for her, since it is obvious that she endured her own trauma at some point. It's as though she doesn't exist, and I like it that way.

I now have a 5-month-old son, and people often ask about his "grandmother." What can I say that won't make them feel uncomfortable? She isn't dead, but she will never be a part of my son's life.

GENTLE READER: Say, "It's a sad story; I'd rather not talk about it."

Miss Manners is aware that many people consider this an invitation to ask, "Why not? What happened?" so repeat the second half of the sentence until they give up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating my boyfriend for eight years. We have lived together for the last six or seven years. How much longer should I wait for a proposal?

GENTLE READER: Go right ahead and propose. You have Miss Manners' blessing, and you will have his answer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)