DEAR MISS MANNERS: Upon opening what I thought would be a wedding invitation from good friends, I found, printed on very nice stationery:

"Our wedding is coming but oh, what dismay.

"The venue is small on our big day!

"Though we can't squeeze you in during our special hour,

"Would you please come to our wedding shower?"

Underneath is a list of stores where the couple is registered.

How rude and hurtful is this? What a gift grab! I don't even feel up to making a RSVP.

GENTLE READER: Why, it was just recently that another bridal couple wrote Miss Manners that they were sending "a sweet poem that is nice for asking for cash" with their wedding invitation.

Do we have a trend here? Is the word spreading, in the white tulle set, that crudeness is charming when it is put into rhyme (even if not exactly rhythm)?

However, Miss Manners insists that you reply to the paltry invitation you did get. One rudeness does not excuse another. How about:

"Accepting with pleasure

"A day of leisure (British pronunciation required),

"We wish you the best.

"As you are feted and wed,

"We'll be home in bed;

"Good luck, and the rest."

Well, no, not really. Please forgive Miss Manners that lapse and write a simple answer declining the shower invitation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the last several years, my husband and I have hosted a quite nice holiday party (catered food, serving staff, crystal, silver, etc.) for friends and neighbors.

As planning begins for this year's party, I can't help but notice when I review the guest list that there are people we haven't seen since our party last Christmas. It would be nice if some of our guests thought enough of us to at least have had us over for a drink at their home, but that is not the case with several couples.

How do I politely drop them from our guest list? What would be an appropriate response if someone inquires if we are having our party and they are not invited?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, people often do treat annual parties as a sort of public service, failing to reciprocate and brazenly assuming they have standing invitations. It is, as you have found, a poor return for hospitality.

For that reason, Miss Manners advises skipping an occasional year, or at least varying the party -- one year making it New Year's, instead of Christmas, for example -- so that you can honestly say that you are not giving the usual annual party and dislodge the expectation.

Even now you can still claim, to those who have the nerve to ask, "Oh, we're not having that big party this year. We'll just be getting together with a few people whom we see all year."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to give my boyfriend a hint that I want a promise ring for Christmas? He usually gives me money.

GENTLE READER: But did he make you any promises? Or are you just on his payroll?

Miss Manners would think it prudent to establish the sentiment before trolling for the symbol.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a difficult part of my job, I am required to dismiss students who fail to meet academic standards. Such a dismissal is done in person, but it must be accompanied by a letter detailing the specifics of the situation and the action taken.

I continually struggle with how to end such letters. Closing the letter with "Sincerely" or "Regards" seems to me too pleasant for such a negative letter, but closing the letter without any valediction seems too cold and abrupt. I would appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

GENTLE READER: Is it your thought that unpleasant news should appear in an unpleasant format?

"Sincerely yours" and the slightly stiffer "Yours truly" are conventions, which is to say that they convey neither warmth nor coldness. That is a great advantage conventions offer -- neither the writer nor the recipient needs to analyze them. Miss Manners hopes that you have not balked at addressing these students as "Dear," on the grounds that you don't love them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend has recently written me with some bad news concerning her health. I would like very much to express my continuing thoughts and prayers for her, without falling into the "me-me" trap.

For example, I don't want to say, "I was very upset to hear that you have X disease." My feelings, after all, are not what is important in this matter. But I am at a loss as to how to express my support and concern.

GENTLE READER: Expressing sympathy and affection do not constitute the all-too-common me-me reaction that Miss Manners commends you for wanting to avoid.

Me-me would be announcing that you had troubles, too, or that you knew of worse cases, or that you knew just how your friend felt, or that you were sure things were not as bad as reported, or that you advised her that pulling herself together and thinking positively would make her problem disappear.

Expressing your own sympathetic feelings is quite a different matter. It is a comfort to know that people care; your dear friend would hardly want to think you unaffected by her news. Once you have conveyed that, you will be right about dropping the subject and allowing your friend to speak of her feelings -- or not, as she chooses -- knowing she has a deeply sympathetic listener.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other night I was dining with a lady friend at an outdoor table at a nice restaurant. During the meal, the elegant lady accidentally knocked her purse off the side chair, and the contents of the purse spilled across the concrete patio. As a gentleman, I did not feel comfortable diving under the table to fetch the possibly private contents of her purse. At the same time, I did not feel comfortable sitting still while the gentle lady crawled under the table without my help.

As may be typical in these sorts of situations, paralysis took over and I did nothing but sit there. What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Ask the lady at the time, rather than Miss Manners after the fact?

While appreciating your delicacy, Miss Manners wonders why she is drawn into the situation. You could have said, "Please, let me help you," and refrained from doing so if the lady squealed from under the table, "No, that's all right, I've got it all."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please tell me when it is appropriate to lick or tuck the flap of an envelope on a card? What is the thought behind either?

I'm a tuck person, unless money or a gift card is enclosed or when mailing; my daughter is a lick-every-card person. Please end our 20-year battle!

GENTLE READER: Only if you promise that you and your daughter have the next topic of debate lined up. Miss Manners would hate to be the cause of the zest going out of your conversations.

Have you noticed that wedding invitations come with two sets of envelopes, but only one of them is gummed? This is because envelopes are sealed when they will be handled by strangers, as the outer one is, but the inner one is not.

The strangers, in such cases, are our friends at the post office. But if an envelope is handed from its sender to its intended recipient, or put in the hands of a friend to be delivered, the flap is only tucked in, the latter instance being a sign of trust that your intermediary will not peek.

So basically, you win. Miss Manners' condolences to your daughter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is a first for me. My husband and I have been invited to a renewal of a couple's wedding vows. There are two squares on the return card. One says we will attend (and how many); the other is my "first": "We cannot attend and wish to extend our congratulations." Our "congrats" were written for us. Is this the new normal for responses?

Also, we didn't recognize the names of the Mr. & Mrs. and asked our kin and friends. We finally discovered the "Mrs." is my sibling's granddaughter, whose married name I didn't know. This is, apparently, their first anniversary. Yes, they're very young. Any comments?

GENTLE READER: It seems part of the trend whereby wedding hosts are taking over the functions of their apparently untrustworthy guests.

After all, why do people who issue invitations feel that they have to answer them as well, with a form requiring only a check mark and a signature? What is more, many of these cards refer to declining as expressing regret, without consulting the actual feeling of the recipient. And few couples nowadays would dream of letting their guests choose what to give them as presents.

So Miss Manners supposes that they might as well offer themselves congratulations on behalf of the guests. As brides and bridegrooms like to say: It's their day. Guests have increasingly become supernumeraries whose direction and lines the beneficiaries supply.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one reply to an invitation while one is in mourning, from deep mourning to almost the end of a mourning period?

GENTLE READER: By thanking the would-be hosts and saying, "I'm not going out socially now; I'm in mourning."

Miss Manners is afraid that you must keep repeating this while they lecture you about how the living must go on living, the deceased would have wanted you to go out, it's time to achieve closure, and so on. Please don't let it get to you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)