DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I became engaged, the women of my religious institution (my mother's contemporaries) held a shower for me, for which I immediately wrote thank-you notes for the luncheon and the gifts.

My husband and I were married by a judge but had a reception several months later in my hometown. While I was mingling with the guests, one of the ladies who had attended the luncheon came up to me and told me, with a smile, that I had written her a thank-you note for the wrong gift (I got you X, and you thanked me for Y) and that she thought I would like to know.

I was mortified, of course. I apologized effusively, said it must have been new-bride idiocy, thanked her for the gift she did give me and retired red-faced.

It has haunted me since then, and I've never seen her afterward without feeling like a fool -- and I've been married 29 years.

Should I have written her another thank-you note? What would have been the best response? Since no one else mentioned anything, I can only hope that the rest of the notes were accurate. It's years too late, of course, but I'd love to lay this ghost to rest and feel I acted correctly at the time.

GENTLE READER: Twenty-nine years is a long time to feel like a fool, and Miss Manners would like to offer you some relief. But alas, she cannot bring herself to declare that the fact that the lady already had a (misguided) letter from you, or your including thanks with your embarrassed apology, took the place of a genuine and correct letter of thanks.

Presumably the lady herself has long since forgotten. But you have not, which does you credit. So the job now is to get it off your conscience.

You could write quite an amusing letter, but not about your guilt. Rather, you should say that you think you may have finally recovered from the bridal idiocy that made you thank her for the wrong present 29 years ago, and you want to tell her how much you have enjoyed the right one all this time.

Then, perhaps, you can get a good night's sleep. Just please include specific details, or your benefactor will be up all night trying to remember what on earth she gave you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a guest to do if a bathroom is not equipped with individual guest towels? On many occasions at a party or gathering, there is only one measly towel hanging in a bathroom for all and sundry to use. In many cases, the towel is already very damp and obviously (over) used.

In a friend's home, I would discreetly ask for another hand towel for the bathroom. However, I do not know the etiquette for advising a host/hostess of a lack of clean towels in the bathroom when the party is at full swing.

GENTLE READER: The towel sounds yucky, the hosts sound busy, and Miss Manners would not countenance leaving the bathroom without washing one's hands.

What to do? Uh, there is paper somewhere in that room. Look around.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

What is the social pay scale? How much will it cost you if someone you know gives birth, graduates, marries or dies?

Now that the ancient and charming custom of exchanging presents is deteriorating into simply paying people by the milestone, Miss Manners supposed that she would not have to become involved.

After all, the idea was to eliminate thoughtfulness. People anxious to be spared the thoughtful efforts of others to please them have long been selecting their own presents by means of the gift registry. Many now want to skip even that blatant bit of laundering to get their hands directly on the cash.

And many of their dear ones are only too happy not to have to give them another thought. Let's just pay the bill and be done with it, is their attitude.

The purpose of such dealings has always puzzled Miss Manners. Presuming reasonable reciprocity, what good does it do people in the same social or family circles to keep paying one another? Surely it has nothing to do with the custom of selecting and treasuring symbols of emotional ties.

However, if everyone is happy with the pay-as-they-go system, it is not for Miss Manners to interfere. Goodness knows it is entirely outside the realm of etiquette.

But it appears that not everyone is happy, and both sides of this commercial equation keep appealing to her. By far the most frequent etiquette question she receives -- dozens of them every week -- is, "What is the polite way to inform our guests that we want monetary gifts only?"

Some declare frankly that they expect their guests to help pay the wedding or honeymoon expenses, or their mortgage. Others explain that they already have everything they need, in which case Miss Manners would have thought they would be counting their blessings and thinking about helping the less fortunate.

The second most frequent question is from the targets of these demands, wanting to know how much they owe. Furthermore, they seem to believe that it depends on particular circumstances:

-- "What is the appropriate amount of money to give at a baby shower for someone I've met only twice?"

-- "What are the normal amounts of money to give to a niece graduating from high school with high honors, the neighbor's son who is graduating from law school, and my second cousin, whose family is having a dinner after the ceremony?"

-- "When going to a destination wedding that costs you money to fly, hotel, etc., what is a proper amount per couple or per person to give the bride and groom?"

--"How much money do I give as a wedding gift to my co-worker's daughter, whose wedding I am unable to attend?"

-- "How much money is appropriate to give to the daughter of your best friend from high school for her wedding?"

-- "What is the right monetary gift for two 30-something, already established professionals?"

-- "What is the appropriate cash gift for a mature wedding?"

-- "I am going to a wedding with my husband and three children, so there will be five people total. How much cash should I give? I think the plates are $80 apiece, but $400 is too much for us."

-- "How much money should you give the family at a wake?"

-- "My sisters and I traveled quite a distance to attend my oldest sister's funeral. My niece was appalled that our sympathy envelope did not contain any money. Although it has been a year, our niece is still fuming."

Please stop. Miss Manners cannot help you. Etiquette has no such thing as a chart that gives the cost depending on the relationship, the emotional bonds or the age. It considers both the hosts' and the guests' expenses irrelevant. Just go pick out something nice that you can afford. Or skip the whole panhandling event -- there are more worthy charities than people putting on expensive weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a father of three, with No. 4 on the way. This time, my wife and I decided to find out the sex of the baby before the birth (something we did not do with the others). I am proud to say that we are expecting a girl, and I would like to share the news with my buddies with the traditional cigar. Do I wait until the birth to pass them out? Or is it OK to pass them out now when I share our good fortune?

GENTLE READER: You have three children, and you haven't learned patience?

Yet there are other things Miss Manners hopes you never learn, such as that not all pregnancies go smoothly, and not everyone is as charmed by embryos as by babies. (Some people even find cigars offensive, but that's another matter.)

Your daughter is not ready yet for her debut. Please give her a chance to get ready to face the world, and, for heaven's sake, to put something on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, after four years of relative happiness, my male partner and I ended our relationship. It was not amicable, a particularly unpleasant experience that took me the remainder of the year to accept, cope with, and gradually begin to heal from.

Several months ago, I began to very slowly and casually date another gentleman. Things are going rather well, and he and I attended a friend's barbecue over the weekend.

My friend knew about my circumstances and was pleased and excited to see that I seemed to be moving on. However, we ran into a few problems from the "friends of friends." Many of these are people I've met and do like, but time and distance being what they are, I just don't see them more than once or twice a year at such events.

One person, excited upon seeing me, ran over to hug me, introduced herself to my male companion, and then exuberantly asked, "But where is Eric?" (my former partner).

I was able to reply with a lighthearted, "I'm not sure! Did he not come with you?" To my relief, she received the message immediately.

Others, however, didn't really get the hint. One guest asked three times during the introduction and when I was chatting with several others, saying, "Wait -- did you and Eric break up?" Another remarked to my companion, "Ohhh, so YOU are the new Eric," and with a playful hip bump added, "You are definitely more handsome."

I fully understood her playful intent, but felt awkward for my companion, who could only smile shyly and thank her for the compliment. Another guest, when we were greeting each other, remarked, "You've lost some weight and you are growing out a goatee -- it looks good!" until his girlfriend came in and mercifully rescued us.

How do you politely respond to queries from friendly acquaintances about your former lovers?

GENTLE READER: As these people seem to be in a teasing mood, Miss Manners suggests you tease back. You might do this by turning to the gentleman you brought and saying, "I'm sorry to embarrass you by exposing you to this. They're really very nice people who mean well, just a little primitive socially. But I'm fond of them anyway."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)