DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had a small cocktail party, and although we are clean-freaks who run a spotless household, it is sometimes impossible to avoid the large bugs that live in North Texas. As the guests were sitting around my living room, a very large cockroach crawled across the wall. Everyone noticed, and they were visibly grossed out, though they tried to be polite.

I was absolutely mortified. I very quickly grabbed it with a tissue, moved the food away from that area, and offered everyone another drink. But at that point, I felt like everyone's skin was crawling. Mine certainly was.

What is the correct response to a situation like this? Is there anything that can be said or done to lighten the mood and make everyone comfortable?

GENTLE READER: How about: "Oh, dear, I meant to keep the pets locked up while you were here. Alfred knows he is not supposed to be in the living room, but he has a weird sense of humor."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I built a guest cottage across the deck from my house. It has a private bathroom, but guests currently share the main house kitchen. (At some point I hope to be able to afford putting a kitchenette in the cabin.)

Some of my visitors are there especially to see me, and others because it is a nice independent place to stay in a popular destination, which is fine with me, as those I would have there would be people I like even if I'm not going to see much of them.

I am not a morning person and am accustomed to living alone. I don't mind having a guest around while we are having our morning tea or coffee, but on my days off, I really appreciate quiet time to read the paper, meditate, do tai chi or whatever for a couple of hours before having to engage in conversation.

Is there a polite way to discourage much interaction (or to put a more positive spin, encourage quiet companionship) in the morning beyond a pleasant greeting? If I could figure this out, I would be happier to have my guests stay an extended period, more than the couple of days when I feel I really need my space if I haven't been able follow my usual comfortable routines.

Second question, but less pressing: Is there a way to gently hint to people to clean up after themselves?

GENTLE READER: You are being far too gentle for a good host. Good guests want to fall into the household routine -- if only they can guess what it is.

Someone who is chatting you up while you are trying to read the paper may have preferred to sleep late, but feels obliged to be sociable. Some may have agonized over whether cleaning up before leaving means remaking the bed so that it looks neat (but has used sheets) or just piling up the laundry.

Miss Manners urges you to orient them as part of your welcome. "Sleep as late as you like," you could say. "I'm up early, but not really sociable until late morning. However, there will be coffee and tea in the kitchen whenever you want it." You can't direct guests to clean up, but on the last day of their visit, you can put a set of clean sheets in the guest room and hope.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband was recently found in a compromising situation with a male co-worker at an office party.

I'm well aware that my husband is bisexual, and I don't mind that he occasionally sleeps with men. The problem is, we live in a small town, and people keep telling me I must feel terrible, how could he do something so disgusting, etc.

I know they mean well, but my husband and I are very happy together, and I don't appreciate these comments. How can I get them to mind their own business without being rude?

GENTLE READER: By saying quietly, "He is my husband, and I will not listen to a word against him."

With any luck, you will shock your sympathizers into silence -- at least in your presence. They will continue to gossip about your husband, as Miss Manners is sure that you must be aware. Nothing that you can say will prevent that.

But they will add to their unwanted expressions of sympathy for you that you are acting nobly -- too nobly for some of them, no doubt, but nobly all the same. And the best part is that you will not have to listen to any of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited friends over to dinner, a couple and their several children. We, too, have a large family.

Since we abstain from eating animal and animal by-products due to health and ethical reasons, I made a Mexican dinner that all my children love, quadrupling the recipe to be sure there was plenty for all.

When I was almost finished preparing the meal, in the presence of this family, one of the parents grabbed our phone and made a cheese pizza delivery order for their children. When the doorbell rang, that parent answered the door and paid for the order.

I am wondering if it was rude of us not to jump up and pay for the pizza, since they were our guests and it was our job to make them comfortable. I know we would not eat animal products offered to us as food if we had been invited to dinner.

The adult guests repeatedly raved about how much they enjoyed the dinner I made. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Only that it is good that the grown-ups liked the meal you prepared. If not, they might have ordered a catered meal from their favorite restaurant, and the cost of making them comfortable, if you got to the door first, would have been considerable.

At a time when many people expect their guests to provide refreshments, Miss Manners is grateful that you worry about providing for yours. But you did. You prepared them a meal you thought would please them all.

But guests also have obligations, and they did not meet theirs. That they were rude enough to show you that the meal did not please them all is not surprising in people who did not teach manners to their children. You are not responsible for their rudeness or their debts.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the past 22 years, I have earned my living as a professional musician; my instrument is the viola. I have distinguished myself as a soloist, chamber musician and orchestral player in North America and Europe, and some of my students have gone on to play in professional orchestras as well.

I am on cordial terms with my colleagues and unfailingly polite to members of the public. In no way do I consider myself extraordinary, but I am grateful to find myself working among like-minded colleagues, and I am constantly looking for ways to keep challenging myself as a musician.

However, the challenges have come in an unexpected form: comments from people who have heard me perform in public with a quartet. One audience member announced that he and I shared a college alma mater (I attended a small liberal arts college with a well-known conservatory whose motto is "Learning and Labor"). He then said, "'Learning and Labor' -- guess there wasn't much of THAT going on in the conservatory, huh?"

And the other night I was approached by a woman who told my group that her son played the violin, but didn't want to work hard -- so he switched to the viola. I reacted to both of these people with a wan smile, though I found both comments insulting.

Suffice to say I would never denigrate a person or their life's work in such a fashion. I am afraid these comments are increasing in frequency. It is disheartening, and I'm afraid I may at some point lose my cool. How would you advise I handle such situations in the future?

GENTLE READER: It is not just you. Talk to tuba players; they complain that everyone thinks they are slow-witted and fat. Or harp players, who say they don't get tipped when they play in hotels or restaurants because people think it would be like tipping an angel.

It is not that Miss Manners means to make light of the thoughtless rudeness to which you have been subjected. But she was always told that the viola was a sure way to become popular, at least among groups of two violins and a cello.

It is not only every instrument, but every profession that inspires stupid, top-of-the-head remarks under the name of wit. Lawyers, teachers, police officers, postal workers, doctors, accountants -- all, and many others, can tell you the inevitable silly remarks they hear upon meeting new people. And as if the repetition were not maddening enough, such remarks are delivered with a self-congratulatory expression of having been witty.

The way to deal with them is to answer them as if they were meant seriously. The fellow alumnus could have been told, "Oh, no, I assure you that nobody goes into music professionally unless it is a real labor of love." And the mother could have been told that her son must be a musical prodigy, if he has mastered the viola without working.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The bride (or parents) pay for the wedding cake. But who pays for the groom's cake?

GENTLE READER: Take a wild guess.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)