DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a considerate guest assists their host by going after flies with a rolled-up magazine, is the guest also responsible for removing the smashed fly goo from the walls and furniture?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Under the circumstances, one cannot expect the flies to clean up after themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A lifelong friend recently got married (for the third time). The couple requested no gifts, but some of her closest friends (including me) left a few things on the table at the community center where the wedding took place.

It was a very informal affair, a '50s-style wedding with '50s music and dancing. I framed an old 78 rpm record of Elvis Presley that I had held onto for 50 years and gave it as a wedding present.

No thank-you or even acknowledgment or comment about whether she hated or liked it has been forthcoming. To me this is most hurtful, and I can't seem to let it go. It makes me feel like I'm inconsequential in her life. I'm torn between commenting on it or not.

Isn't it better manners to just let it go, or should I say something? I mean, this hurts.

GENTLE READER: How about drying your tears, pulling yourself together, and asking your friend if she received that present?

Although this is the approved way of shaming delinquent brides, it might also be a way of finding out if you caused your own hurt. Miss Manners has no sympathy whatsoever for thankless brides, but there are times when the giver is at fault.

As she keeps trying to teach wedding guests, presents should be sent to the home, never brought to the wedding. Couples who are in the act of being married have no opportunity to deal with them there and then. Boxes left lying around in a public place get lost or even stolen, and often the cards fall off.

So please ask about it in a non-accusatory way. You should then either elicit an apology or realize that you owe one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since hard financial times hit the tourism trade, I found myself unemployed (for quite a long time now). A friend of mine has voluntarily helped me out with gift cards and packages of food. I am grateful and have repeatedly said so.

However, every time we have a disagreement about anything of any type, she goes on and on about how much I owe her and such. How often is appropriate for someone to bring up her help? It really does get annoying, and I have even told her so.

GENTLE READER: Philanthropy does seem to bring out the worst in some people. Miss Manners finds it strange that such a kindly impulse as helping someone in need can be accompanied by efforts to make the beneficiary feel bad.

But so it is with your benefactor. Your only escape is to refuse her presents. The next time she offers, thank her, but add: "I can't possibly accept. As you know, I am far too deeply in debt to you already."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate way for a young clergyman or attorney at law to recover from the slight of being "presented" to an older tradesman, yeoman or mere gentleman, in order to avoid the appearance of waiving precedence or allowing the lower-ranked elder to be the superior in the interaction?

Or do you say that even today, age is more honorable than the professions?

GENTLE READER: Are you the young clergyman? In that case, you would doubtless have wrestled with the great moral questions. Miss Manners would be interested to hear what you have to say about the sin of pride.

Or perhaps you are an attorney and are familiar with the problem of frivolous disputes.

In any case, your use of the terms "tradesman" and "yeoman" suggests that you are a devotee of Victorian literature. You might want to take a closer look at the social order it reveals.

Gentlemen, as designated by birth, ranked themselves well above lawyers, clergymen (especially young ones, whose chief function seemed to be serving as dull but respectable husbands for unattractive rich ladies) and, for that matter, doctors. These were all seen as providing useful services, so the vicar would be asked to tea once a year, and, when illness required summoning the family doctor, or the family lawyer came by to write or read a will, a meal would be offered. But not deference.

In modern America, things are supposed to be different. It is true that we respect those in "the professions," at least in theory. It is the same theory by which we respect our government officials, regardless of our personal opinions of them as individuals. But it also requires us to respect anyone who does honest labor.

You are correct that there is an order of precedence, and that it involves weighing age, gender, rank and relationship. It can be so complicated -- how would you introduce your mayor and an admiral who also happens to be your mother? -- that few people manage to get it right, or even to try.

Common mistakes include giving gender preference over rank in the workplace, or doing the reverse in social situations. And the age factor is sabotaged by old people who resent deference because they are pretending to be young.

Polite people therefore are tolerant of mistakes. And they do not inflate their own importance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Though the question has arisen before, I am still uncertain regarding a host's obligations with respect to hand towels in the powder room. When there are multiple guests, say at a dinner party, how many hand towels should there be?

And when one uses a hand towel that the host has provided, should one do anything with it to signify it has been used, or does its dampness speak for itself?

GENTLE READER: Such questions keep arising because of the huge number of guests who believe themselves to be unworthy of guest towels. Or who don't wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.

But as Miss Manners hopes that a host does not delve into such misfortunes, there should be the same number of towels as guests. Should one actually use a towel, it should be left crumpled as a sign that it needs laundering -- and that at least one person washed his hands.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to bring a new girlfriend to an ex-girlfriend's birthday party at a local bar with a favorite band?

GENTLE READER: OK with whom?

The band probably doesn't mind, but the lady whose birthday it is might. Miss Manners has no way of knowing, but unless that lady said, "Oh, do bring along your new love -- I'm dying to meet her," it may not be a good idea. Come to think of it, if that is what the lady actually said, it may be an even worse idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Oh, I need guidance! I have become friends with a woman at my son's preschool. She is funny and wry. So I invited her over for a glass of wine and a snicky-snack.

This was our first meeting to get to know each other. She showed up and I got her a glass. She seemed fine, then boom! She was stumbling, and in the very long 45 minutes she was there, she managed to put me, my children and environment in danger.

Inappropriate! Then she drove off drunk.

When I saw her next, she acted like nothing happened. I do not want to cultivate a relationship with her, yet I feel the need to tell her what she did (in case she was blacked out). I also feel that she may be putting her own children at risk. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Well, you might have tried to stop her from driving off drunk, but apparently you missed the chance.

What good you could do now by chasing her down to extract a confession or an apology is less clear to Miss Manners. You haven't even known her long enough to be sure that this is not a one-time incident. Perhaps she was taking a new medicine without realizing that it was incompatible with alcohol.

But if she is, in fact, alcoholic, your finding her out, as those close to her must have done, is highly unlikely to be a life-changing revelation. The school might not know, however, and is in a better position than you to watch out for the children.

Just please promise Miss Manners that you will alert an official there discreetly and not overstate what you know, which is only that you once saw her driving when she shouldn't have. You did, after all, indulge in hyperbole when you said that her drinking endangered you, your children and your environment. Or did you neglect mentioning that she tried to set your house on fire?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have Parkinson's disease, which tends to make me awkward and a bit slow. I would like some gentle, charming way to excuse my slowness when I'm with people I don't know -- in a checkout line, for example. Just a comment to explain the circumstances. I look perfectly normal -- just fumble-fingered.

GENTLE READER: You should not have to excuse yourself routinely, as people who are similarly gentle and charming should not expect everyone to operate at top speed. But Miss Manners doesn't doubt that you have often been subjected to the rattle of shopping carts accompanied by exaggerated sighs. That is the time to turn with a smile and say, "Sorry -- I'm going as fast as I can."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)