DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the most polite and least conspicuous way to excuse myself from the company of a business client when I find it necessary to use "the facilities"?

This pertains to the client's office and in a restaurant setting. I try to time it for the beginning (prior to being in the company of my client whenever possible) or at the end of the meeting.

I've rarely met with the most thoughtful of clients who ask prior to our sitting down together. I know there is a simple answer.

GENTLE READER: Once past toilet training, you cannot really count on others' asking you whether you need to go to the bathroom. So it is indeed necessary for you to take charge by deciding when and finding out where.

Miss Manners is pleased to observe that you understand the importance of euphemisms in this situation (although the quotation marks were unnecessary, as facilities is already a euphemism). "I have to pee now" is unlikely to be taken as a sign that you will be equally forthright and honest in your business dealings.

The simple answer is that in a restaurant, you need only say, "Excuse me." In the client's office, the statement that you would like to freshen up a bit should elicit directions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 3-year-old cousin is our flower girl and her mom, my aunt, is my matron of honor. The problem is her mother-in-law wants to come to the wedding.

I don't want that because Kristin, the flower girl, will be wanting to be with her grandmother over my family. My family is perfectly capable of getting Kristin ready for the wedding that day, which is the reason my aunt wants her mother-in-law to come.

I'm having to watch the number of people I invite. I mentioned the problem to my grandmother, who found out the mother-in-law is coming, regardless of whether she receives an invitation.

So how do get her not to come?

GENTLE READER: Hire a bouncer?

Miss Manners strongly suggests that instead, you squeeze this lady in. As she apparently plans to attend anyway, you might as well be gracious.

This should not be taken as a general policy toward self-invited guests. Deterrents include saying, "We'd love to see you on another occasion"; enlisting a mutual friend to intimate that appearing unasked would be embarrassing; and, as a last resort, posting a neutral person, such as an employee at the site, to say, "I'm sorry, Madam, but I don't believe you are expected."

But in this case you have your matron of honor, your aunt and the child's mother all saying that it would be a good idea. True, they all are the same person -- but in a better position than you to know what will best help ensure your flower girl's happiness and good behavior. You will have to trust Miss Manners that this will be more important to you than any unseemly family rivalry for the child's attention.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I discovered last winter that my kitchen cabinets, which are along an outside wall, are cold, although my kitchen is usually warm. Future modifications to the house notwithstanding, I am thinking about heating my dinner plates, like the English.

Is there a particular etiquette I should be aware of, such as warning guests and family that their plates are hot? Is it OK to put a trivet or mat at each place to prevent burning the tablecloth?

GENTLE READER: First increase your insurance. Miss Manners gathers that you are planning to heat your plates to scorching.

Not a good idea. If the food needs to be baked or broiled in the dish in which it is served, that dish requires an underliner. Otherwise, what you want to achieve are pleasantly warm plates.

Before the English discovered central heating, which was somewhat later than the rest of the world, they kept themselves warm by standing in front of huge fires and, when sufficiently fried, turning around to defrost their backs. But people no longer tolerate being singed, not even for the sake of a hot meal.

So instead of putting the plates in the oven with the roast, use a soft, cloth plate warmer that folds on itself over and over, inserting plates between each fold. The plates are thus warmed, but not to a temperature that can damage your tablecloth or your guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 16-year-old daughter had a friend stay over Saturday night. On Sunday morning my daughter went to Sunday school and church service (10 to 12 o'clock) with her boyfriend. My daughter almost never goes to church.

I objected to her going, but gave in and told her she could go only for Sunday school. Due to an alleged misunderstanding, my daughter stayed for church service as well.

Her friend was hurt. My eldest daughter (dead-tired) drove her home because my youngest was not back in time to do so.

I think my daughter should have skipped her Sunday date (which had been tentative all along), and that I was wrong to give in and she to insist on going. She disagrees. What do you think? Are any apologies in order?

GENTLE READER: Not just apologies, but groveling apologies are in order. Miss Manners can imagine how that poor young lady felt, waiting around awkwardly for a hostess who decided she had better things to do.

Perhaps the religious angle befuddled you into condoning such an outrageous sin against hospitality. (Parenting tip: No, the incentive was the boyfriend.) But in that case, the guest should have been told in advance about the plan to attend church and invited to go along. If she chose not to, she could have departed earlier.

Your daughter, in apologizing to her friend, pretty much needs to plead insanity, that she doesn't know what she was thinking, that she was confused about what everyone was doing when -- and then blubber about how awful she feels, how she stupidly missed spending more time with her friend, and so on. She should then issue another invitation.

And you should instruct her thoroughly on hostess duties before permitting her to be one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I drink wine with dinner and know what types, brands and vintages we prefer. When we dine out, we usually order a bottle of wine we are familiar with.

Typically, there is an entire presentation: Show the wine, approve the wine, uncork the wine, sometimes smell the cork (I prefer it when they skip that step), pour a splash of wine, look at the wine, swirl the wine, smell the wine, sip the wine, approve of the wine again, and finally get to enjoy the wine with my husband.

Is there any way to skip all the extras? Can't we request our wine to be uncorked, then brought to us?

We would never send a bottle back, even if it wasn't exactly to our liking, so there's no need for all the presentation -- why not just enjoy? Also, after the wine is placed at or next to the table, if our glass runs dry should we wait or ask to be served again, or can we just pour it ourselves? We will be traveling and dining out every night, so any help would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Good luck. Those rituals are dear to many hearts, and generally mandated by pretentious restaurants.

Miss Manners understands that all this can become tedious. Some years ago, she was delighted to read of a wine critic who grew so annoyed at the accompanying flourishes that when the cork was presented to him ceremoniously, he ate it.

Having indecorously laughed at that, Miss Manners can hardly enjoin you from asking politely to have your bottle brought to you uncorked, and from refilling your own glasses. She only asks that you try not to crush the spirits of the wine steward or waiter.

Oh, and one more thing. Wine should not be sent back simply because the person who ordered it didn't like it, but only if it has turned or is otherwise undrinkable. Determining that is the point of the tasting. So if you skip that step, you may be drinking the undrinkable. With good grace, Miss Manners trusts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my son's wedding, we are going to wear long black ties with the tuxedo. We are wondering if we have to wear a plain, unpleated tuxedo shirt, or can the tie go also with a pleated tuxedo shirt?

GENTLE READER: As you are presumably interested in correct dress, or you would not have written Miss Manners, please allow her to talk you out of those long black ties. They are proper at funerals, not at weddings. The Academy Awards telecast is not the place to observe gentlemanly dress. The suit you mention requires a pleated shirt and black bow tie.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it polite to ask how a person was injured, in this case the loss of a hand? My friend met an upbeat young man giving a lively tour of a restaurant. He seemed completely comfortable with his handicap, as though it had happened years back. Would it be impolite, in private, to inquire about his injury?

GENTLE READER: It would be hideously impolite, although it probably happens a lot. Miss Manners fails to see what business of yours that could be, and hopes that you do not go around asking to peek at other people's medical records.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)