DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband prides himself on having good manners and teaching our children good manners.

The one thing I have a problem with is that I come from a very open and welcoming family. When my nephew asked if he could come visit on Saturday, of course I said, "Sure, it would be great to have you come over."

As he was leaving his house, he phoned to inform me that he was bringing some friends with him. I know this is not the most polite thing to do, especially since they were arriving at dinnertime before heading out to dance at a club.

So at 5:30 p.m., my nephew and five of his friends, all about 19 to 22 years of age, arrived at my house. My mother and sister were over visiting, so we headed out to the store to get wings and pizza, which my mother paid for.

While we were out, I received a text from my husband saying that he was furious that my nephew had invited his friends over. I understand this.

However, when we arrived home, and my nephew showed up with his friends, my husband left the house. My mother and sister asked where he was, and I said he slipped out to the store to pick something up.

When my husband arrived back, he did not come and join us; he sat upstairs with a drink and snacks and ignored everyone, including my mother and sister.

I understand he was not happy with the situation -- but enough to be rude? As well, he is not speaking to me and is still furious with me.

How do I address this? Should I just accept that he is right? I don't think that two wrongs make a right, but maybe I'm wrong here. Should he have been more polite even though he was not happy with the situation?

GENTLE READER: But you said he prides himself on having good manners. So why isn't he ashamed of himself?

Petulance is a violation of etiquette, as are ignoring guests and taking out bad moods on innocent parties.

Yes, Miss Manners is well aware that he will claim that your nephew was rude to bring friends. But guess what? "He started it" is not an acceptable defense for being rude. It is indeed the essence of good manners to behave well when one does not feel like doing so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I currently live on a college campus, and therefore I spend almost all my time eating at campus locations. At these locations, they provide, in baskets, paper napkins and disposable forks on each table. I have become known among my friends for a habit in which, when asked to pass "a napkin" or "a fork," I pass the entire basket and let them choose. I was taught that this is only polite, but my friends see it as a curious idiosyncrasy. Who is correct?

GENTLE READER: Not only are you right, but you could get into just as much trouble doing the wrong thing. In a crowd that makes fun of you for a trivial gesture that happens to be correct, Miss Manners doesn't doubt that if you lowered your standards to theirs, one day someone would say, "Eewww -- I can't eat with that fork after you touched it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My tolerance and patience are being exceeded. At 55 years old, I have been determined to be disabled due to severe injury to my left leg. My disability impairs only my ability to walk or run. I hold a doctorate and a few M.S. degrees in technical fields, and retired from industry as a North American manager for a multinational chemical company.

I have friends and family who are totally unable to mind their own business. I am sick of being called and told that I should get rid of all my possessions, sell my home, etc. I own a vintage 1930s brick home; the house is furnished in period furniture, and the contents include Oriental rugs, fine English china, cut crystal, etc.

These individuals, all of whom seem to believe they are at least 10 times smarter than me, haven't gotten around to addressing the issue of where I will live after selling the house. The next time I get a "put up a for-sale sign" comment, my response will be: "Absolutely! I will put out the sign tomorrow morning! And immediately after closing, I'll move in with you! So please start upgrading your home and a bathroom immediately to accommodate me and my pets."

It is truly uncanny how these individuals manage to find time to worry about my affairs when they can't manage their own. For a couple of relatives, I am sorely tempted to tell them: "My attorney has instructions to send everything to auction, so you need not be concerned. All proceeds will be used to support my pets that outlive me."

If you can offer additional insights, this would be helpful to me and others facing the same scenario.

GENTLE READER: The standard answer that Miss Manners suggests to acquaintances and strangers who offer unsolicited advice is, "How kind of you to take an interest in my private affairs."

But these are relatives and friends, and they have demonstrated that they recognize no boundaries when it comes to offering wisdom-free advice. They might be smug enough to take that statement literally, as a compliment on their compassion.

Rather than contest the boundary issue, she considers it legitimate to take advantage of the intimacy they have established to reply -- well, exactly the way you have thought of doing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister's family stayed in my home for the last family wedding. While here, they experienced car trouble and fixed their vehicle in my drive. After they left, I discovered a pile of discarded car parts on the other side of my house where it could be seen from the street.

Needless to say, I was horrified. What is the proper way to address this issue with my sister?

GENTLE READER: Mail them to her. But only if you are really, really angry, and she has a past history of leaving trash on your property -- after she reached adulthood, that is.

Miss Manners is guessing that the frustration caused by unexpected trouble left them so flustered that they forgot to deal with the mess. She would prefer that you overlooked it. But if you cannot, then call to ask if they managed to get home safely without the parts of their car you found on your lawn.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have learned that my grandmother is dying of cancer. She is very dear to me, and her passing will be a major event in my life. Therefore, I would like to honor her by going into formal mourning.

However, I know that mourning etiquette is somewhat complicated, and it differs depending on one's relation to the deceased, so I thought I would ask your expertise.

How long would it be seemly for me to be in mourning? What would be the appropriate clothes/colors for me to wear? Should I also avoid social events and parties for the duration?

I think this will be a real comfort to me when the time comes.

GENTLE READER: Mourning symbols can indeed be comforting, as gestures of piety toward the deceased. They are also useful in signaling others that the mourner is in a delicate emotional state. And this is exactly why they should not be paraded at parties.

Miss Manners assumes that the complicated mourning etiquette to which you refer is the precisely mandated Victorian version, which became so elaborate and ostentatious as to be watered down and then overthrown by subsequent generations.

For a granddaughter, it specified six months in plain black crepe, followed by two or three months of half-mourning in black silk with jet ornaments, followed by one to three months when touches of lavender could be added. A grandson could get away with less time, wearing a black suit with black buttons, a black tie and a black watch chain.

But if all this looked overdone then, it would look ridiculous now. And it would only encourage more people to urge you to "work through your grief." Sober clothes, usually black but sometimes white in summer, with the option of a black armband, and absence from social life other than for ceremonies, constitute dignified modern mourning.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is getting married for the third time and to a man my husband, her son, does not care for. We bought them a small gift from my mother, father and ourselves as a group. We also bought them a card. Since my husband does not care for his mother's future husband, how should we sign the card? Do you congratulate them and grin?

GENTLE READER: What else were you thinking of writing on the card? "Here's hoping this is not as big a mistake as we know it is"?

Miss Manners is confident that your mother-in-law knows that her son is not rejoicing over this wedding. But she is going ahead with the marriage anyway. A poisoned card is not the way to wish her well, which is what you should be doing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best answer when someone asks you where you graduated from college and you haven't, but really don't want to answer in a defensive way?

GENTLE READER: "I didn't."

Miss Manners hopes you are not disappointed that she didn't come up with a witty way of saying, "I'm just as smart as you, maybe smarter, even though you went to college and I didn't." That would be defensive.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)